You Can't Park Here is the first episode of the fifth season, the seventy-eighth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles, and the 83rd episode overall.
Characters
Red Team
Blue Team
- Church
- Caboose
- Sheila
- Tucker (Mentioned Only)
- Alien Baby (Voice Only)
Other
Synopsis
The episode begins with sounds of destruction emanating from Blue Base. Church rushes in, asking Doc what's going on. Doc claims that the alien baby is energetic, due to having been fed Caboose's blood, and that Tucker has slipped into a coma. Although he insists it won't do Caboose any harm, Caboose arrives and promptly collapses from blood loss. Church and Doc then begin to argue, but they are interrupted by a tremor, caused from the ship that landed in Episode 77, which Church goes to investigate.
Meanwhile, the Red Team hears a tapping coming from inside the ship, deduces that it is Morse Code, and concludes that Donut is trying to communicate with them. They argue about how best to lift the ship off Donut, with Simmons making several reasonable suggestions. Unmoved, Sarge runs off to Red Base to retrieve a "levitation ray." Church, backed up by Sheila, stumbles upon the ship and calls "dibs," much to the Reds' dismay.
Transcript[1]
Fade in to Blue Base.
Church enters as thumping sounds are audible within
Church: Hey Doc, what the hell's going on in there?
Doc: Church, everything's fine. The patient is just resting.
Church: Doesn't sound like he's resting.
Doc: That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival.
Baby Alien: Blarrrrrrg.
Doc: He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
Church: Tucker… fed… the baby? Gross.
Doc: Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village.
Church: How'd you get him to agree to that?
Doc: It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
Baby Alien: Blarg honk, honk!
Church: He hates needles.
Doc: No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in!
Caboose emerges behind Doc
Doc: It's like a miracle to see nature at work.
Caboose: I feel dizzy!
Church: Um, is he gonna be okay?
Doc: Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.
Caboose: (looking around randomly) Oooooh...
Doc: Anyway blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-
Caboose: I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
Caboose collapses in a heap
Doc: Or passing out.
Caboose: Church if I die I want you to have my orange juice.
Baby Alien: Blargblargblargblargblargblarg!
Church: How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?
Doc: Sleeping? He's not sleeping... He's in a coma.
Church: Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc. I'll take care o' this.
Caboose: I can't feel my torso.
Doc: I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptable to infection, and disease. And cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible.
Church: Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.
Doc: Well now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too.
Caboose: I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me.
Church: I tell you what - I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?
Doc: Sorry.
Church: Doc - Seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.
Doc: Church, don't make me pull rank on you.
Church: Rank? What the fuck- I outrank- you don't outrank me, I'm a Captain!
Doc: No, you're a Private with a dead Captain. The last time I checked, that makes you a Private. With a dead Captain.
Caboose: My body... is trying to die.
Church: W-okay fine, then we're both Privates, you don't outrank me.
Doc: No, I'm Medical Super-Private, First Class.
Church: That's not a real rank.
Doc: Yes it is.
Church: Since when?
Doc: Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion.
Baby Alien: Harrgh!
Church: They promoted you for that!? You haven't even used your weapon!
Doc: Leadership isn't about firing bullets and stabbing people Church, leadership is about being able to tell others to fire bullets and stab people.
Caboose: If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn in to one of them?
Church: Shut up Caboose.
Caboose: Blaaaaaaaaaa-
Church: Shut up Caboose.
Caboose: -aaaaarg. Oh no, don't let me turn.
The sound of something falling heavily to the ground is heard. The ground shakes
Church: The hell was that!?
Caboose: I didn't feel anything.
Church: I'll be right back- don't feed any more of our soldiers to the Alien.
Church runs off
Doc: Okay, but I can't make any promises.
Caboose: Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.
Doc: Oh shut up Caboose.
Caboose: Now he's cursing at me.
Cut to the large spaceship which has fallen almost directly on Donut
Sarge: Simmons, status report. (coughs)
Simmons: Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, Sir.
Sarge: Are there any other injuries?
Simmons: No Sir!
Sarge: You sure?
Simmons: I think so.
Sarge: Are you sure? No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing. Purely by coincidence?
Simmons: Uh, I don't kno-
Sarge: No one orange?
Grif: Uhgh, I'm fine.
Simmons: Sorry, sir.
Sarge: Oh dehrh. I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.
Simmons: What about Private Donut, sir? There's no way he survived that. Poor Donut. I'll miss him like a sister.
Sarge: I'll miss him like... well, like someone I knew but that I don't really wanna reflect on how deep our relationship went.
As Sarge is talking, a tapping sound is heard and continues
Simmons: Wait a second, do you hear that? It sounds like tapping.
Grif: All I hear is you guys talkin' about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.
Simmons: Listen, there it is again!
Sarge: You're absolutely right! That sounds like Morris Code.
Simmons: Um, excuse me sir, it's actually not Morris Code. It's Morse Code, sir.
Sarge: Morse, heh. That sounds ridiculous. I don't think so.
Simmons: Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio. Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.
Sarge: And that cat was one of our finest military minds, don't you see? That just means Donut is alive and trying to contact us! Now, get to tappin'.
Simmons: Maybe we can lift the ship off of him somehow.
Sarge: Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was one woman who lifted a car off her baby.
Grif: You want me to call Donut's mother?
Sarge: Don't make me angry, Grif. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if only there were some way to tap in to our inner rage, like that Hulk fella. Dang nabbit! There's never any gamma radiation around when you need it.
Simmons: Well what if we tried getting in to the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship-
Sarge: Or, we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship-
Simmons: I think that the jack in the Warthog might be able to lift it...
Sarge: Could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic! Or both.
Simmons: Or we could try digging underneath the hull.
Sarge: I've got it! A levitation ray. I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.
Simmons: But sir!
Sarge: Simmons, there's no time to chat about your crackpot theories! (gets in the Warthog) This is a crisis situation. Time to save us all, with science.
Sarge drives off
Sarge: Pshew! Off.
Grif: Uhf, Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he.
Simmons: And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
Church: What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?
Grif: Fuck off, Blue. A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
Church: What, this ship?
Simmons: No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Church: Where'd it come from?
Grif: It's a spaceship, it came from space.
Church: ... ... ... Dibs.
Simmons: What?
Church: Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.
Simmons: No it isn't jackass, we found it first.
Church: Yeah but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?
Grif: You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous.
Church: Yehehah, yes I can. Dibs- see? I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my ship, tomato can.
Simmons: Don't call me tomato can.
Grif: Try and take it then.
Church: Um... okay. Sheila?
Sheila: You bet.
Grif: Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you.
Simmons: Yeah, kinda.
Sheila: Now step away from the ship, tomato can.
Grif: Ha ha, tomato can.
Sheila: You too, lemon head.
Grif: Hey I'm orange, not yellow!
Sheila: (in a weird voice) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
References
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