|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Where There's a Will, There's a Wall: Episode 3"|
|Airdate||April 28, 2012|
Simmons and Lopez attempt to infiltrate Blue Base while Church and Tucker are busy arguing about who gets the Falcon. Sarge continues in his relentless efforts to overcome the wall, much to Grif's bodily harm.
Grif: SARGE! DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS!!
Sarge: Damn it Grif, hurry up! We gotta find out what's on the other side of that wall.
Grif: But I don't think I can climb any higher. And the birds keep circling me, why are they doing that?! (Bird caws) WHAT HAVE I DONE TO ANGER YOU?! Go crap on a car or something. Leave me alone!
Sarge: Heh, you move so little most of the time they must think you're a statue. Birds love statues.
Sarge: Less talking more climbing. For all we know, Simmons and Lopez are already in a heated battle against the Blues!
Another bird caw
Grif: AHH! I think there's a nest up here. Oh god, what if there's eggs?!
Cut to Simmons and Lopez spying on the Blues
Simmons: Alright Lopez, there's the tank. But where are all the Blues?
Lopez: Probablemente fuera espiandonos mientras usan un rifle como telescopio. [Probably off spying on us while using a sniper rifle as a telescope.]
Simmons: (spotting them) Oh wait, there they are. What are they doing?
Lopez: En serio, todo esto podría terminar en tres disparos. Solo apreta el gatillo maldito. [Seriously, this whole thing could be over in three shots. Just pull the damn trigger.]
Simmons: You're right Lopez, this does seem suspicious.
Lopez: Dispárame a mí a cambio. [Shoot me instead.]
Church: Alright, you ready?
Tucker: Yeah, I'm ready, ready to win that sweet ass helicopter.
Church: On 3, 1
Church and Tucker: Caboose!
Tucker: Come here Caboose!
Church: Come on Caboose! Come here buddy!
Tucker: Hey, I've got something for you!
Church: Go say hi to your good friend, Church!
Church: What's up, buddy?!
Caboose: Yes, that's right, yes, I am Caboose, yes that is correct, why do you keep saying my name?
Tucker and Church continually call out to Caboose
Tucker: Come here buddy! I've got a surprise for you!
Church: No no no no, over here, over here Caboose, by me!
Caboose: Well yes, that would be fun.
Tucker: Caboose! If you come here I'll help you organize your kitten calendars.
Caboose: Yeah well, maybe we can scrapbook together.
Church: Wait! Caboose, I'll teach you how to read a calendar.
Caboose: I, I never thought of that actually before that could be good.
Tucker: Caboose, I'll let you play with the tank when ever you want.
Caboose: Oh, wow, yeah, we can jungle gym maybe even.
Church: Wait, hey wait, Tucker! You can't do that!
Tucker: Why not? You never ruled out lying. Half of the stuff I have in life I got through lying. And the other half by stealing, which is basically just lying about which stuff is yours.
Church: No! No, hey Caboose, wouldn't you rather come over and hang out with me? Your best frien... your best... your be... You know what forget it, it's not worth it.
Caboose: Nah, too late, I heard you say it, we all did.
Tucker: Yeah! Watch out, ladies! Captain Tucker is ready for lift-off.
Cut to Simmons and Lopez standing by the tank
Simmons: Okay! We made it, let's get out of here before the Blues... Wait. What's that?
Lopez: ¿Qué importa? Vámonos. [Who cares? Let's go.]
Simmons:Oh my gosh! Is that a helicopter?!
Lopez: Mira, incluso dejaron las llaves en el contacto. [Look, they even left the keys in the ignition.]
Simmons: Alright Lopez, change of plan, we're stealing that airship!
Lopez: ¿Cómo? No estamos capacitados para volar. [How? We aren't trained to fly it.]
Simmons: Think about it, what if the tank isn't strong enough to blast through the wall? What then?
Lopez: Vamos a tener un tanque. Tendremos un tanque, y los Azules tendrán un avión pequeño que probablemente ni siquiera puedan volar. [Then we will have a tank. We will have a tank, and the Blues will have a tiny plane that they probably can't even fly.]
Simmons: Exactly! So if we steal that chopper, we can just go over the wall instead of through it! It's a sure thing!
Lopez: No lo podemos volar tampoco.[We can't fly it either.]
Simmons: We'd be dumb not to do it!
Cut to Falcon
Phil: Hello, and thank you for activating UH14 Falcon aircraft, you may call me, Phil.
Simmons: Oh, why hello there, Phil.
Phil: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Simmons: Oh hell yeah, I love tutorials.
Phil: Tutorial mode activated.
Falcon starts to beep
Simmons: Best. Day. Ever!
Lopez: Empollón [Nerd.]
Simmons: Shut up! Don't ruin this for me!
Cut to Tucker and Church heading towards Blue base
Church: Okay, okay. How 'bout this, what if I threw in the keys to the tank as well?
Tucker: No! I'm not giving you my helicopter.
Church: Oh, how 'bout this, what if I promised to be your wingman...for life?
Tucker: Not happenin' dude.
Church: Tucker, this is my final offer. I will give you the sniper rifle.
Tucker: Y'know Church, the old Tucker probably would've taken you up on that. But I'm Captain Tucker now, and Captain Tucker only does two things: gets laid and pilots his sweet-ass helicopter.
The Falcon suddenly appears above Church and Tucker, spiraling out of control.
Simmons: Help! I have no idea what I'm doing!
Lopez: ¡Sabía que no iba a funcionar![I knew this wouldn't work!]
Phil: Now that you've mastered the art of lift-off, we will move on to the...
Falcon spins off-screen
Tucker: On the other hand, Captain Tucker could also learn to love rifles in exchange for-
Church: Yeah, deal's off Captain.
Cut to Grif standing on a cliff-edge overlooking Red base, the Falcon continues to spin out of control in the background
Grif: Uh, Sarge?! I think I see something!
Sarge: Is it a secret weapon? No, wait! It's another Blue base isn't it?
Grif: It kinda looks like a big bird.
Sarge: We already took care of that situation, Private.
Grif: Wait a minute, is that-
Simmons: Save me!
Grif: He's gonna crash! Sarge, get me down!
Sarge: No abandoning the mission!
Grif: You gotta be kidding me!
Grif attempts to climb higher
Simmons: I don't wanna die a virgin!
Lopez: ¿Por qué me miras a mí cuándo dices eso?[Why are you looking at me when you say that?]
Grif frantically attempts to climb on top of the wall, the Falcon getting closer to him
Grif: Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Grif finally manages to reach the top
Grif: I made it!
The Falcon crashes into the wall and explodes, sending a screaming Grif into the air. Shot cuts to black. Cut to a dazed Simmons outside of Red base after the crash
Sarge: Simmons! Your terrible piloting skills broke through the wall! You get an A+ in doing things bad.
Simmons: But...but where's Grif?
Grif: God damn it.
Cut to a shot of Grif on the other side of the wall, facing a second wall built behind the first one
Simmons: Another wall? How are we gonna get through that?!
Sarge: Why would we do that?
Simmons: Uh, Sir?
Sarge: I just wanted to know what was on the other side of our wall. It turns out it was just a harmless second wall. Case closed.
Simmons: But...but Sir?
Sarge: Case closed.
Lopez: ¿Qué acaban de hacer ustedes idiotas?[What did you idiots do?]
Sarge: Ah, Lopez! Perfect timing. This wall needs to be rebuilt, pronto!
Sarge: Oh, and by the way, when you're done with that wall the Warthog could use some maintenance. It's making kind of a funny sound when it starts and it's also uh... in several pieces. Have fun with that!
Grif: I think my knees are in several pieces.
Cut to Lopez imagining himself firing a tank at both teams, who scream in pain.
- Simmons' conversation with Phil is a direct reference to Caboose's first meeting with Sheila in Check out the Treads on That Tank, where in both scenarios the vehicles state their names and ask the driver to run the tutorial program.
- This is the first episode of Red vs. Blue to contain censoring; in this case, the word "God" in "God damn it".
- The scenario where Grif mentions birds circling him may be a reference to the episode SPF 0, where Caboose makes a similar statement. This may also be a reference to Relocated: Part Two, where Grif experiences a similar situation on top of the Red base in Valhalla.