|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Warning: Trigger Warnings"|
|Airdate|| July 5, 2015 (sponsors)|
July 6, 2015
Fade into a black screen and a 'WARNING' text appearing with Doc, off screen, reading out some trigger warnings.
Doc: (off screen) The following presentation may contain post-traumatic stress inducing content. Including but not limited to: Gun violence, death, intimidation, discussions of sex, discussions of discussions of sex, descriptions of food, overeating, binge eating, eating because you've lost hope --
Grif: (off screen) Ohh, for fuck sake!
Doc: (off screen) Um... swearing.
Grif: (off screen) I'm gonna kick your ass.
Doc: (off screen) Verbal abuse...
Grif: (off screen) Stupid long warning lists...
Cut to Grif and Doc next to each other.
Doc: Grif, are you making fun of trigger warnings?
Grif: Are you making fun of people's intelligence?
Doc: Look, why don't you just -- (notices camera) O-oh! We're on! Hey, hi there! Hi! Hi, I'm Medical Officer Super Private First Class Frank DuFresne! A.K.A, Doc, from the popular web series Red vs. Blue! I've been out of the loop for a while, but now that I'm back... (in O'Malley's voice) You mean we're back! Mwhaha! (in Doc's voice) One at a time, please! I'll be helping to make your internet experience safer. Starting with adding trigger warnings to all of our videos!
Grif: (sarcastic) Yeah, right. Because you're such a model of mental health.
Sarge: (approaches the two) Triggerwhatsitnow?
Grif: Isn't there already a system for this? Aren't we like, rated A for asshole-ishness aucity, or something?
Sarge: Why would you wanna warn somebody before you pull a trigger on 'em anyhow? Kinda defeats the purpose. Unless you follow it up with a snappy zinger! Like, "warning, you just got triggered."
Doc: Guys, guys, come on. Get with the times. You don't only warn people about mature content, you have to also let them know what's in the show that might cause a reaction!
Grif: A reaction? Like what, laughter? Everything you listed is what I call production value.
Sarge: 'sides, triggers are great! I love 'em! Get to shoot people, explode stuff, explode people into shooting them some more, your so personal!
Doc: Sarge, come on, please! Sorry everyone. Simmons, gonna think we're gonna need that new system sooner than we thought.
Simmons: (cut to Simmons behind a machine) Almost there, Doc.
Doc: Sarge, we need to show compassion. For those who have lived through trauma. You know, give them a chance to avoid being exposed to subjects too sensitive for them.
Sarge: So you wanna help people... not watch our show?
Simmons: Okay, it's good to go!
Doc: Thank goodness! Hit it!
Simmons literally hits the machine with his fist, turning it on. Almost immediately, two tags appear in front of Sarge and Grif.
Sarge: (*DING!* VIOLENCE)
Grif: (*DING!* FOOD REFERENCES) What the ever living... (*DING!* SWEARING) Fuck?
Doc: This is the Rapid Anti-Provocation Emergency System! Or for short, ra -- (*THREE DINGS!* NONCONSENSUAL SENSUALITY) --hey, hey, hey... uh, hey... yeah... We'll be renaming that one.
Simmons: You simply tell the system what triggers your concerned about, and it predicts the necessary warnings accordingly.
Sarge: It warns you if we're about to say something that might put hair on your chest. Or on your -- (*DING!*)
Doc: Precisely! If a phrase that could potentially intense physiological reaction -- (in O'Malley's voice) Like butt sniffer. (In Doc's voice) What!? Hey! (in O'Malley's voice) Or rectal avenger. (in Doc's voice) What? No! Stop that! Those aren't real triggers!
Grif: Oh yeah? What if you got abused by a butt?
Doc: Well that's ridicu..er... I mean, no. No. It's a good point, there's no ridiculous triggers! Just depends on your point of view. I might as well just tag it to be safe. (*DING!*)
Grif: To be safe? If you keep that up, you're gonna have to tag everything we say!
Doc: You guys' just don't get it. Here, why don't we show you what all of your triggers are. The system has another mode that lets it scan your brain, and find out what you might react to! Simmons, turn on the Cautionary Ubiquitous Neurological Trauma Scanner!
Simmons: Turning on the-- (*DING!*)
Doc: Ah dang it! We are really terrible at acronyms!
Grif: Tell me about it. ...Stupid cunts. (*DING!*)
Simmons: Alright, Grif, you're up! (Grif approaches the machine) So your triggers are... 'waking up early', 'doing your job', aaaannnd.... 'snack cakes'?
Grif: Wait a minute. I love snack cakes! I'd kill for snack cakes! Why is your stupid system warning me about fucking snack cakes!?
Doc: Well buddy, it's probably because the system can tell you want the snacks, but feel that you probably shouldn't.
Grif: God damn it! This is what I'm talking about! You say you're helping people avoid trauma, but really you're helping people that need to get some fucking willpower.
Sarge: Like you, muffintop?
Grif: (yells) I am in love with snack cakes and I am fine with my love of snack cakes!
Doc: Shhh, shhh, shhh. It's okay. It's okay. You're clearly in the denial phase. Don't worry - you're in a safe place. (in O'Malley's voice) A safe place for fatties! Haha! (*DING!*) (in Doc's voice) But don't you see Grif? It doesn't matter how big or small the trigger is, we should strive to make sure all our content finds happiness, joy, and mutual understanding!
Sarge: (sniffing and crying quietly)
Grif: Food cravings aren't -- Sarge? Are you crying?
Sarge: (sniff) What, what? No! I'm just... well, I'm just so upset right now! I mean, I can't control these damn, dirty... emotions! (approaches Simmons while crying more)
Doc: (gasps) He's been triggered!
Simmons: Hang on a sec... Sir, it says here that you're triggers are... 'happiness', 'joy', and 'mutual understanding'?
Sarge: I'm a career army man! What would I do if there was no war? It completes me! I just can't stand to see people enjoying themselves without any sort of conflict!
Doc: Wait, what?
Simmons: Huh. Looks like your ideal world of peace and joy really upsets Sarge.
Sarge: (while sniffing) Friendship and happiness... disgusting! Mur hur hur...
Grif: No such thing as a ridiculous trigger, now is there?
Doc: I... uh...
Grif: Ugh, forget this! (pushes Simmons away from the machine, and starts messing up the coding) What if trigger warnings themselves piss me off? Can I get a warning for those?
Simmons: (off screen) Ah, no! That is a very sensitive prediction algorithm! I spent days balancing the cunts!
Doc: (in O'Malley's voice, tags appearing around him and Grif) That's enough! (*MULTIPLE DINGS!* THE COLOR PURPLE, HOMOPHOBIA, SUNNY DAYS, ANIMAL ABUSE, WORDS THAT START WITH A Q) I will not tolerate such intolerance!
Grif: (EXCESSIVE LENS FLARES, BASEBALL, FAT SHAMING, RACISM, INANIMATE OBJECT ABUSE, GAVIN FREE, HOLES, BUBBLES) I don't give a fuck about what you find intolerant!
Doc: (in O'Malley's voice) Then I shall kill you for your indifference! Hahahah! (BEACH BALLS, GRASS (NARCOTIC), GRASS (BERMUNDA), EQUILATERAL TRIANGLES, PIZZA, TIGHT PANTS, GENTLY FLOWING WATER, MATH, EXCERCISE, RVB13 SPOILERS, SLOW DRIVERS, PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN ME, ANIMALS HAPPIER THAN ME, FIRMLY GRASPING, PICKLED OCTOPUS, PUBLIC POOLS)
Machine finally shuts down. Donut suddenly appears.
Donut: What's all the hullabaloo? I could hear you both from inside the tanning booth!
Doc: (sighs) I'm sorry, just... all I want to do is help people!
Grif: You want to coddle them!
Donut: Boys, I gotta give it to you straight.
Moment of silence.
Donut: You're both being... ridiculous! On this show, we are what we are! We know it! Everyone else knows it! And we're all okay with it.
Doc: But my system...
Donut: -Is a really nice gesture. But there's nothing on Red vs. Blue to hide or warn people about.
Grif: Because everybody already knows we're a bunch of degenerate assholes?
Donut: Indeedy! Some more than others. Now who's down to grab some popcorn from the mess hall?
Doc: Where are we going?
Donut: To the internet! The comments section should be losing its mind riiiight about now.
Everyone follows Donut away and off screen, then Caboose comes up to the machine.
Caboose: Hello! Where is -- (*MULTIPLE DINGS!*)
Warning tags begin to appear all around Caboose, covering him up.
Caboose: AUGH!!? I AM BEING ATTACKED, BY WORDS! (ROBOT LOVE, FIFTY SEVEN, BACKWARDS LETTERS, LOUD NOISES, YELLING, FIRE, GASOLINE, HATES BABIES, MURDER, NARCISSISM, TEAM KILLING, PYROMANIA, BLUE, DRAGONS, TANKS, STUPID, FRIENDLY FIRE) OH MY GOD! THE NIGHTMARES WERE TRUE! LETTERS, PUT TOGETHER! TO FORM THINGS THAT MEAN SOMETHING! OH GOD! AH! THE TRIGGERS!! OH GOD!! THE TRIGGERS ARE TRIGGERING ANOTHER TRIGGER!! DAH, WHAT DOES IT MEAN!? OH GOD!
- List of Doc/O'Malley's trigger warnings: the color purple, Homophobia, Sunny Days, Baseball, Fat Shaming, Racism, Rainy Days, Excessive Lens Flares, Tolerating Intolerance, Beach Balls, Grass (Bermuda), Grass (Narcotic), Equilateral Triangles, Pizza, Gently Flowing Water, Tight Pants, Math, Exercise, People Happier Than Me, Animals Happier Than Me, Slow Drivers, RvB13 Spoilers, Public Pools, Firmly Grasping, Gender Identity, Pickled Octopus.
- List of Grif's trigger warnings: Gavin Free, Animal Abuse, Inanimate Objects Abuse, Words That Start with Q, Holes, Bubbles.
- List of Caboose's trigger warnings: Robot Love, Fifty Seven, Backwords Letters, Loud Noises, Yelling, Fire, Gasoline, Hates Babies, Murder, Narcissism, Team Killing, Pyromania, Blue, Dragons, Tanks, Stupid, Friendly Fire.
- "Robot Love" is a reference to his affection for Sheila.
- Hates Babies is a reference to Season 3, where Caboose exclaims "My name is Michael J. Caboose and I hate babies!"
- Narcissism could be a reference to how Caboose views himself in own his mind, where he apparently sees himself to be very intelligent.
- Each acronym represent a sexual term like Rapid Anti-Provocation Emergency System being R.A.P.E.S. and Cautionary Ubiquitous Neurological Trauma Scanner being C.U.N.T.S.