Vive la Resolution! is a special episode of Red vs. Blue where the teams each make New Year resolutions.
Characters[]
Red Team[]
Blue Team[]
Synopsis[]
The Red and Blue teams try to come up with resolutions for the first annual "Blood Gulch Resolution-off" as the new year approaches The winners will be the team with the best resolutions; the losers will actually have to follow through with their resolutions. However, when the Blues realize they have a 256,000,000 to 0.98 chance of winning, they forget about their resolutions and attack the Reds anyway.
Transcript[]
Fade in to the Reds running up to Sarge
Sarge: Alright ladies, huddle up. As you all know, the new year is fast approaching.
Donut: Yeah, I'm throwin' a Parisian-style New Year's Eve soirre, a la grand palace de Donut. I mean, du croissant.
Sarge: For the last time, Donut, just because you put a bidet in the latrine, that doesn't make the base your own personal French banquet hall!
Donut: Ah, come on Sarge, you remember the fun last year when Grif brought Champagne.
Simmons: No he didn't. Champagne comes from a specific region in France. Not by mixing 7Up and rubbing alcohol.
Grif: Excuse me, imitation 7Up? Name brands are for suckers.
Sarge: No more French talk. We're not surrendering again this year and that's final! We've agreed to participate in the first annual Blood Gulch Resolution-off, also known as the Resolvathon.
Grif: Sarge, I have no idea what you're talking about and I already think this is gonna end badly.
Sarge: We're competin' against the Blues to see who can come up with the best New Year's resolution.
Simmons: What does the winner get?
Sarge: Nothing. But the loser suffers a fate worse than death. They actually have to follow through on their resolution.
Grif: What? That defeats the entire purpose of making a New Year's resolution.
Simmons: Grif, that is the purpose.
Grif: Oh, I thought the purpose was to make yourself feel better about stuff you're never gonna do.
Sarge: This year, my resolution is to be more tolerant of other people's ideas and opinions.
Simmons: Great idea, Sir.
Sarge: Yes it is. And I'll kill anyone who doesn't agree.
Cut to Church talking.
Church: Okay guys, we gotta come up with some really great resolutions. I believe in you guys, you're all smart, and creative, aaand you have lots of different ideas. In fact, I think that this is the best team ever.
Cut to Tex, Tucker and Caboose who is facing backwards.
Caboose: Where is Church? I can hear him, but I can't see him.
Church: I know you guys can do it.
Caboose: I think I am invisible.
Tucker: Thanks man. Hey, wait a minute, what's your New Year's resolution?
Church: I have resolved to do a much better job motivating all of you retards. In fact I'll tell you what, if you can't come up with things that you need to change about yourself, I have compiled a list of areas that each of you can improve in. For some of you it's very long.
Tucker: I'm gonna show more respect to women. Chicks totally fall for all that sincerity crap.
Tex: I guess if I have to have a New Year's resolution, maybe I can try settling my differences with people, without resorting to violence.
Tucker: That's a great idea. You should try settling them by resorting to sex.
Tex: I was thinking diplomacy.
Tucker: Tex, it's "sex and violence." Who ever heard of "diplomacy and violence?" Go for the sex. I do.
Church: Tucker.
Tucker: What? We still have a few more hours before the contest starts.
Tex: We do? Good.
Tex punches Tucker.
Tucker: Ow, son of a- woman, you just lost all my respect.
Church: Well, so much for both of those ideas. Hey Caboose, what's your resolution?
Caboose: I don't think we should be part of a revolution. I love my country, and I think we should support our troops!
Tucker: Caboose, we are our troops.
Church: (sighs loudly) dear God. I hope this year isn't as long as last year.
Cut back to Sarge.
Sarge: Okay, let's review. This year, Grif resolves to quit drinking, smoking, and overeating.
Grif: Fuck that, I'm no quitter!
Sarge: Also to die. Simmons will work on controlling his anger-
Simmons: God dammit I don't have an anger control issue!
Sarge: And Donut will stop talking like the French cartoon skunk Pepe la Pew during staff meetings.
Donut: (in a ridiculously bad French accent) Oui oui, my precious flower. Hum, huhua, hu hu huh huhuh, huh humhah, humwah, mwah, mwah.
Grif: What about you Sarge?
Sarge: Me? I'm resolving never to get caught by surprise in a battle situation. Of course that's hardly a challenge for me, as I can sense the enemy's movement, before they even know they've moved themselves.
A tank shell hits behind Sarge and bullets start flying
Sarge: Dick Clark's robot clone! We're being attacked! By surprise!
Church: Yeahah, suck it Reds!
Tucker: Yeah, take that! Take that!
Caboose: Yeah, it's New Year's Eve Revolutionizing time!
Tucker: Come get some disrespect, bitches!
Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing?
Church: Sheila calculated the odds of us winning the contest at two hundred and fifty six million to one. Actually to point nine eight, but we rounded off.
Tex: So since we're gonna lose anyway, we decided to make our own resolution: kicking your ass!
Fade to black
Caboose: Yeah! You've been auld lang synenized! You will now forget acquaintances, that you didn't know you were supposed to forget!
Sarge: Grif, quick! Do your best Frenchman impersonation while we leave you to die without dignity! I mean, while we get the base ready for the party!
Grif: I told you this would end badly. I picked the wrong day to quit smoking.
Church: Hahaha, better luck next year, ya dumbass.
Grif: And drinking. And eating ho-hos.
Donut: I sure hope this battle ends soon, I wanna get back to the base before midnight so I can watch the balls drop.
Tucker: There's only one ball in Times Square, Donut.
Donut: ...What's Times Square?
Trivia[]
- Apparently, Donut doesn't actually know what Times Square is.
- The title of the PSA is a reference to the phrase "Viva la revolution!" which was coined by Fidel Castro.
Video[]
