|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| March 8, 2018 (FIRST members)|
March 15, 2018
Finding a new home can be a long and difficult process, but Sister and Grif have you covered! Simmons, however, has something to say about the change of scenery.
Grif and Sister have teamed up for a PSA to sell real estate to interested viewers. However, with each property Sister brings up, Simmons quickly points out that most of the locations Sister is selling are uninhabitable due to climate change and other factors. The last location is an actually decent shack in the Canadian wilderness, except the neighbors are all white supremacists. Growing frustrated, Sister sarcastically asks if she is better off selling the uninhabitable real estate to the white supremacists. Upon realizing this is actually a good idea, Simmons joins in on the Grif siblings' scheme.
Grif: Hi, I'm Dexter Grif from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
Sister: What's up, sluts? I'm Sister from the sweet raves and bitchin' parties at Red Base. Burning Man ain't got shit on me!
Grif: Yeah, the family's real proud.
Sister: And I know what you're thinking. [in unison with TV] "My place is a dump, and I want to live somewhere exotic." Yeah, fucking nailed it. Well, your worries are over. Because I'm in the real estate game now, and I'm gonna make a buttload of cash! Uh- I mean, help YOU find a new home on lovely Earth.
Grif: Nice save.
Simmons: Oh, for the love o- [huffs] What the hell are you two doing?
Grif: Uh-oh. Nerd alert.
Simmons: I saw the stupid commercial you two have playing all through the base, and I had to come stop it before you get someone killed.
Grif: Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's just a shitty ad.
Grif: Callin' like it is. It's a shitty ad for real estate. How's that gonna get anyone killed?
Sister: Yeah, nerd-bot. I'm just trying to make some cash.
Grif: Hey, don't forget to give your big brother a cut of that action.
Sister: We'll talk later.
Simmons: What you're trying to do is sell people a load of crap and get them to move to the most inhospitable places in the galaxy.
Grif: Uh, what is he talking about?
The backdrop on the TV falls, revealing a volcanic landscape
Grif: Uh, what the hell just happened? And what is that?
Sister: What is that? What is that?! I'll tell you what that is! [calm music begins playing] That is a beautiful three bed, two and a half bath located in wonderful Phoenix, Arizona. Just minutes to trendy downtown shopping and decadent restaurants and bistros. It's the perfect home for the new couple looking to get serious and take that next step, owning a new home.
Simmons: Wow. The only thing you've got right about that is that it is, in fact, Phoenix.
Grif: Holy shit! Dude, seriously?
Simmons: Yeah, man. That's what happened to it after the greenhouse effect went rampant and toasted the entire planet.
[music starts again] Sister: Greenhouse indeed. What does every new house need? Its own greenhouse! It gives you the chance to grow your own food, and the sense that you're better than everyone else for doing so. And look! Lava energy! You can harness the power of lava and live off The Man's grid. Or whatever!
[music stops] Simmons: Okay again, you got one thing right. You could technically run off of thermal energy and be off the power grid, if you weren't a smoldering pile of ash before then. It's completely too hot to survive there!
Sister: Euuuugh! Whatever! Here, this place is perfect.
[music starts again] Sister (on TV): This lovely Florida- I mean, southeastern American island chain home is the tits! Four beds, four baths, and a fuckin' pool!
[music stops abruptly] Sister:What do you have to say about that, Simmons? It's airtight!
Simmons: Wait for it.
The backdrop floats away as an underwater scene, complete with giant fish, appears
Simmons: Right again, Sister! It's airtight because it's under the fucking ocean! After the greenhouse effect went beyond our control, it kept heating the planet, which in turn melted the polar icecaps, which caused the oceans to rise and flood every coastal country in the world. The Earth isn't the thriving oasis it used to be. People completely fucked it and by the time we tried to fix it, it was way too late. It's all thanks to procrastinators like you two.
Grif: I object! Procrastination has led to all sorts of great stuff.
Simmons: Like what?
Grif: Eh, I'll write a list later.
Sister: If Earth's so far gone, then why does this dream house exist?
[music starts again] Sister (on TV): This rustic three bedroom, two bath is on a full 10 acres of land. Nothin' but wide open livin' here, partner.
[music is drowned out by intense wind which also blows away the backdrop, revealing a desert]
Grif: What the hell was that?!
Simmons: Yeah, that's what's left of the Pacific Northwest.
[TV now has static] Sister: You guys are gross, and boring, and stupid, and gross. Here is a fresh one that no one has seen. Cue that tape, DJ!
[loud static before Sister in another ad]
Sister (on TV): [clears throat] Enjoy pure, clean, untainted living in this cottage in the Canadian wilderness. Imagine birds! Clean water! Trees! Bird trees! This place is a steal!
Grif: Mmm, I don't trust it.
Simmons: Yeah, me neither. Why's it so cheap?
Grif: What's the catch here?
Sister: Catch? What catch? There's no-
Grif: Shut up, yes there is. There's always a catch with you.
Simmons: Come on, what is it? Indian burial ground? Toxic waste dump?
Grif: Toxic Indian burial ground?
Sister: Ugh! Okay, fine. There's one tiny, little, not even an issue thing. Like, it's such a small thing it's not even a thing... thing.
Simmons: All right, let's hear it.
Sister: [sighs] The neighbors aren't the greatest.
Simmons: Come on, that cannot possibly be the only reason-
Sister: Let me finish, cock holster! [inhales] They aren't great because they're white supremacists, and they all moved into the woods after it was made painfully clear that there was no place for them in normal society. And while the Canadian government wasn't thrilled with the idea of them moving into the country, they're still Canadian and way too nice. So, they force the white supremacists to live in the woods now, presumingly blowing each other all the time. I don't fucking know.
Simmons: Wow, I can easily say this is the worst of them all. You should be ashamed of yourself, Sister. Ashamed!
Sister: Hey, man. A girl has to make a living somehow.
Grif and Simmons: ASHAMED!
Sister: Well, what am I supposed to do?! Sell all these death homes to the stupid fucking white supremacists?
[music starts again] Simmons: Huh. I think we just figured out how to start making the Earth a better place again.
Sister: I'll go start making some calls!
Grif: Try selling them on Lava House first. Those dickheads love burning shit.
- Sister's intro references how in "The Chronicle", she mentions having hosted raves and festivals in Blood Gulch.
- As referenced by previous episodes, Florida is revealed to be underwater, though the cause is given as rising ocean levels rather than being destroyed by Project Freelancer. That said, given that the ocean is implied to have affected all coastal countries, it can be inferred that both factors might have contributed to Florida's downfall.
- The PSA's title is a play on words with the phrase "Real Estate".