|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||May 18, 2005|
O'Malley berates Lopez for creating such a slow-moving robot army. In revenge, Lopez tricks O'Malley into insulting himself in Spanish. The Reds flee the battle in the Warthog to go track down the distress signal. Donut is left behind to discourage pursuit, but manages to steal O'Malley's hovercraft and rejoin his teammates. Tex steals Tucker's sword so she can fight the robots; Church decides that she must be The Great Destroyer from the prophecy. An unseen figure wipes out O'Malley's army with a volley of plasma grenades, and then attacks a startled O'Malley. Lopez's fate is left unrevealed.
Shortly after Donut catches up with the other Reds in a cave, Simmons and Grif track the signal out of the cave, finding themselves back in Blood Gulch (Coagulation in Halo 2). This discovery is accompanied by a lengthy scream of "Noooooooooo!" from Grif. Back at the fortress again, Church and Tucker admire the slaughtered robots and congratulate Tex, but she admits she's not responsible; she was in the basement, trying to get the sword to work. Church rushes over to Gary to question him about the identity of the Great Destroyer, unaware that an Alien is sneaking up on him.
Fade into the fan in front of the base, which the Robot Army (eventually) walks past
Robot Army: Charge.
O'Malley: Hu hu hoh, for God's sake. Will you hurry up! Lopez, I'm disappointed in your work. These minions are much too slow.
Lopez: Yo creo que se están moviendo muy bien. [I think they are moving along nicely.]
O'Malley: You fool! You don't even have legs, and you still got up here faster than them!
Lopez: Tú eres el cerebro en esta operación. Yo no más soy el musculo. [Hey, you're the brains in this operation. I'm just the brawn.]
Doc: They may be slow, but their posture is excellent!
Doc: A for effort, Lopez!
Cut to Sarge
Sarge: I think they're distracted. Let's use this chance to slip away.
Simmons: Great idea, sir. I have a lock on the distress signal. We can head right for it.
Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. Everybody in the jeep.
Grif: Shotgun! Fuck.
Donut: Shotgun's lap!
Sarge: There's just no room for four people. Someone will have to jog alongside. Grif?
Grif: Jog? What's that?
Simmons: It's like running slowly. Dear God, you don't know what jogging means?
Grif: Yeah, you lost me at running. Sorry, it's not in my contract.
Donut: Oh, don't worry, I'll do it. Just give me one second while I put my jogging shorts on.
Grif: Wait. I wanna reconsider.
Donut: Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies?
Sarge: Noone's fallin' for that twice, Donut.
Cut to Tex peering out a window at the Robot Army
Tex: Alright, I think I can take 'em. I just need a better weapon.
Tucker: Want me to help you find one?
Tex: Mm, why don't you just give me your sword?
Tucker: No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.
Tex: That's what I just said.
Tucker: Yeah, but it's the way you said it.
Tex: You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God, Tucker, look! Hot chicks.
Tucker: Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.
Tex: Now the hot girls are makin' out.
Tucker: Okay, that's worth the risk. (turns around) Eauhw, crap.
Tex hits Tucker from behind and knocks him out, just like she planned
Cut to Caboose talking with Andy... the bomb
Caboose: Just stay calm Andy... everything will be fine.
Andy: I'm okay, really. I like explosions. You, on the other hand, look a little nervous.
Caboose: You know, I always get a little nervous during battles. ...I think it's 'cause we never win.
Andy: Eh, don't sweat it. If they get in the base, I'll just explode and kill everybody.
Caboose: Wouldn't that kill us too... Andy?
Andy: Hey. You can't make an omelet without blowin' up a few eggs.
Caboose: (long pause) ...I like eggs.
Andy: Me too.
Cut to Church talking to Gary
Church: Gary, is it possible that the Great Destroyer could be an entire army of people?
Gary: No, the great destroyer is a single person who will come to claim the great weapon.
Church: Yeah, that's great.
Gary: Prepare, one and all. the fulfillment of the great prophecy is at hand.
Church: So you have no good news for me today.
Gary: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Cut to the Reds' jeep careening under bare minimum control down a really gradual slope behind a robot
Sarge: Let's go men.
Grif: One of them's following us.
Sarge: We're going too slow. We have to leave someone behind.
Grif: Not it.
Simmons: Not it.
Donut: What? No way! You're leaving me behind?
Sarge: Sorry Donut, but military law is very clear in regard to the "not it" methodology for making decisions.
Donut: Aw man, there's still so much about the army I don't understand.
Grif: Here he comes!
Sarge: Donut, you hide here and wait for the guy tailing us. Then when he passes, shoot him square in the back and watch him die. Just like John Wayne would have done.
Grif: Hurry up guys, he's getting closer! No wait, no he, yeah he is getting closer. No, yes!
Donut: All this retreating, and shooting people in the back, doesn't sound very noble.
Sarge: We're not retreating, we're advancing! Towards future victory!
Donut: How'm I gonna find you guys?
Simmons: Just follow the distress signal to its source, you'll find us there.
Donut: But I don't have a way to track it!
Sarge: ... Excellent point Donut.
The jeep drives off, thoughtfully carrying Sarge, Grif, and Simmons with it
Donut: Thank you, Sir. Ohh... (Sighs. Lip smacking sounds as he watches the robot painfully slowly advance) Uhh, God. Well, I've got some time.
Cut to the robot army shooting one at a time at ...something
Robot 4: Attack.
Robot 1: Attack.
Robot 3: Attack.
O'Malley: (evil laugh) Faster! Faster! Pathetic. Lopez! How do I say faster in Spanish?
Lopez: Como dice susurro, susurro. susurro susurro susurro, susurro.
O'Malley: Yes... So okay... What? Okay, got it.
O'Malley: Huhuh, soy un pendejo púrpuras que gusta tomar aceite.
Caption: Hey everyone! I am a purple jerk and I love to drink motor oil.
O'Malley: That was rather looong to mean hurry up.
Lopez: Es una lengua muy poética. [It's a very poetic language.]
Donut: (arriving behind a rock) Oh man, it's that creepy dude! I wonder why he's insulting himself. Qué curioso. [How strange.]
Donut: Ooh, the motorcycle!
O'Malley: Mi cola es muy grande. Y me gusta frotar mi cola. Y quiero oler mi cola y también besar, a mi cola. [My butt is very big. And I like to rub my own butt. And I like to sniff my own butt and kiss my own butt.]
O'Malley: Are you sure cola means evil?
Lopez: Jefe, alguien está robando su vehículo. [Hey boss, someone is stealing your vehicle.]
O'Malley: Ueuh, drat! I only had two payments left!
Lopez: ¿Tienes seguro en él? [Do you have insurance on it?]
O'Malley: Of course not.
Lopez: ¿Por qué no? [Why not?]
O'Malley: It's a scam
Lopez: Vivimos en un barrio malo. [We live in a bad neighbourhood.]
O'Malley: Of course we live in a bad neighborhood. We're evildoers! We're what makes the neighborhood bad.
Cut to Church
Church: Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?
Tucker: Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.
Church: Hey good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.
Tucker: Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.
Church: Hey, where's your weapon?
Tucker: Do you think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday dude, she took it!
Church: Oh man, this is not gonna be good.
Cut to some shadowy form walking to the edge of a cliff overlooking the robot army
Robot 7: Attack.
A plasma grenade lands on the middle robot
Robot 4: ¡Una araña--! [Hey! A spid--]
The grenade explodes, with the expected result
O'Malley: What was that!?
Doc: Uh oh.
More plasma grenades take out the rest of the robot army. Conveniently cut to Gary
Gary: the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near.
Cut to O'Malley and Lopez hiding behind rocks
O'Malley: Lopez, do you see anything?
Lopez: No más robots muertos por doquier. Mi ejército hermoso, destruido. [No, just dead robots everywhere. My beautiful robot army destroyed.]
O'Malley: I'm going to sneak around the side. Let me know if you see anything. Lopez. Lopez! Lopez! (turns around to see a shadowy figure approaching) Ho no! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Cut to Simmons leading the Reds through a cave
Simmons: Just a little further guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Hyeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source of the distress signal is right outside this-crap!
The camera moves back in stages to reveal they're back in Blood Gulch
Grif: This sucks.
Cut to Church and Tucker surveying the robot army carnage
Church: Wow. She really did a lot of damage.
Tucker: Are you surprised?
Church: No, not really, I guess not.
Tucker: I'll tell you what, it's days like today, I'm really glad she's on our side.
Tex: Who's on our side? Whoa! Who killed all the robots?
Church: You did.
Tex: No I didn't.
Tex: I've been downstairs, trying to figure out how to turn this sword on.
Church: Wait a second. (runs off)
Tucker: Just push the power button.
Tex: I did, that didn't work.
Tucker: Yeah, that's surprising.
Cut to Church and Gary
Gary: the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. (continues as Church talks)
Church: Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?
Gary: knock knock.
Cut to a shot of Church, with an alien sneaking up on him
Church: ...Who's there?
- This episode reveals that Donut can speak Spanish.