|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Teaming with Problems"|
|Airdate||May 19, 2014|
Teaming with Problems is the fourth episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 12 and the 249th episode overall. It aired on May 19, 2014.
Underground at the New Republic Headquarters, Matthews, a Republic soldier under Grif's command, attempts to convince Grif that he is qualified to be a part of his rescue team. However, Grif states that Matthews is a kiss-ass and chooses Bitters over him, stating that the latter is a maverick much like himself. Afterwards, Grif, Simmons, Tucker, and Caboose gather together with their chosen recruits, Bitters, Jensen, Palomo, and Smith respectively, and have the four introduce themselves.
During the introductions, Smith expresses his admiration for Caboose, Jensen chokes on her own saliva, Bitters lazily exhibits his introduction, and Palomo explains that he was chosen because he was the only surviving member of Tucker's green team. Simmons then informs the four recruits that they have been chosen to go on a rescue mission to help save Sarge, Wash, Donut, Lopez, and Freckles from captivity. Tucker then further explains that they have five days to train and prepare, and asks if anyone has any questions. Smith asks who will lead the team, in which all of the Reds and Blues answer they will. After a few moments of bickering, the group decide to have a vote in order to decide who will take the position of leader.
Simmons proposes that a vote for him is a vote for America, but is corrected when Palomo states that they are not in America. Caboose presents his speech for becoming leader as if he is campaigning to become class president, which deeply moves Smith. Grif simply calls dibs for the leadership position but is quickly shot down. Finally, Tucker confesses that he actually doesn't want to be leader and states that he simply wants to save his friends and will take on the burdens of being a leader to do so. As a result, the recruits unanimously choose Tucker as leader. Suddenly, Felix arrives and mocks the group for standing around and talking rather than training, comparing their actions with the Hindenburg disaster.
Fade in to a shot of the New Republic's base. A scorpion tank drives into garage in the background. Cut to Matthews.
Matthews: I just think that...if you would just reconsider sir.
Matthews is shown to be talking to Grif and Bitters.
Matthews: (stutters) I mean, uh, I followed your order from day one with like, the burritos and...and... I'd follow you to the end, sir. I really would.
Grif: Bitters? What do I always say?
Bitters: (unenthused) "Nobody likes a kiss-ass."
Grif: Nobody likes a kiss-ass.
Matthews: But, sir!
Grif: Matthews, you are in fact a total kiss-ass. And nobody likes that. Bitters, do you like that?
Grif: Bitters doesn't like that. Because Bitters here is a maverick, a loose cannon. And people love loose cannons. I'm a bit of a loose cannon myself. Isn't that right Bitters?
Bitters: Actually, I'm starting to think you're just kinda lazy.
Grif: See that? Total loose cannon response. I respect that, Bitters.
Bitters: (sighs) Whatever.
Grif: So, as much it pains me, inside, I'm afraid I must deny your request to join our elite team, Matthews.
Matthews: (tearing up) Very well sir. I understand.
Matthews walks off.
Grif: Even in defeat, still a kiss-ass.
Simmons: (offscreen) Grif, hurry up!
Grif: Speaking of which...
Cut to Grif joining Tucker, Simmons, and Caboose on a platform. Their four respective lieutenants, Bitters, Palomo, Jensen, and Smith stand below.
Simmons: (clears throat) Hello. Welcome evryone. Thank you for joining us here. Um, why don't we just go down the line and introduce ourselves?
Caboose: Um, hello. Ugh yes...my name is Michael J. Caboose.
All recruits: Hi Michael.
Simmons: No, I meant the recruits. Why would we need to introduce ourselves? They already know us.
Caboose: Yes, but do they know the "real" us.
Tucker: What does that even mean?
Caboose: Well that is a very interesting question, Tucker. Why don't you elaborate on those feelings?
Tucker: (groans) Just state your name.
Simmons: And tell us a fun fact about yourself.
Grif: (to Simmons) Really?
Smith: (clears throat) Permission to speak, sir?
Tucker: Uh, go for it?
Smith: Thank you, sir. Lieutenant John-
Grif: Hey, G.I. Joe? Could you drop the act? We don't have all day.
Smith: Oh, um very good, sir. My friends call me Smith. I've served the New Republic faithfully for several years and I believe Captain Caboose is one of the wisest individuals I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Sir!
Grif: Great. Another kiss-ass.
Simmons: You mean our Caboose?
Smith: Yes, sir.
Simmons: This one right here?
Simmons:...The blue one?
Tucker: Okay, moving on. Next?
Jensen: Hello, everyone. I'm Katie Jensen. I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh...
Jensen grabs her throat and begins choking. She then falls over, gagging. Cut to the Reds and Blues staring at her.
Grif: Uh, should we do something?
Jensen gets up.
Jensen: (coughing) Sorry. Choked on my own spit.
Tucker: Simmons, what the fuck is this?
Simmons: It was either her or the really hot one that plays volleyball.
Tucker: Then what the fuck is this!?
Simmons: She makes me less nervous, okay! Just leave me alone!
Bitters: (unenthused) I'm Bitters. My fun fact is that I don't have a...fun fact.
Grif: Total. Maverick.
Palomo: And last but not least!
Palomo: Private Palomo. Slayer of women, wooer of evil. (pause) Wait...
Simmons: Is that your fun fact?
Palomo: Oh, uh...oh! I'm the only surviving member of green team. Suck on that.
Tucker: I fucking hate you, Palomo.
Simmons: Alright, as you've all been informed, this team has come together for the sole purpose of rescuing the remaining survivors of a UNSC shipwreck from several months back. We all know them as Donut, Agent Washington, and Sarge.
Grif: And maybe a Spanish robot named Lopez.
Caboose: And maybe an adorable robot named Freckles.
Tucker: Yeah yeah, we get it. The point is, we've only got five days to train you guys, so we're getting started right now! Now, any questions?
Cut to the four Republic recruits.
Smith: ...Who is leading this team?
Caboose, Grif, Simmons, and Tucker: I am!
The four look at each other.
Tucker: (confused) Uh, what?
Simmons: Well, I'm obviously the one who should be leading this. I'm the most logical of the group.
Simmons: I'm the one who set up this entire meeting.
Grif: Yeah, and this meeting blows dicks.
Simmons: (to Grif) Wait, why do you wanna be the leader?
Grif: Well, I'm really starting to get used to all this praise and pampering, and I don't wanna risk losing it all to one o' you jerks.
Matthews pops up on an platform in the distant background.
Matthews: I could always praise an pamper you, sir!
Grif: Goddammit Matthews! What did we just talk about!?
Caboose: Well, I think there's an easy way to settle this. Ahem, raise your hand if you were the leader of a team any time before joining this army.
Simmons: Oh whatever, that was a fluke!
Caboose: Yep, and I forgot to raise my hand.
Tucker: Hey, if you're looking for experience, so far I'm the only one who's been on an actual mission.
Grif: (fake coughs) Two people died... (fake cough)
Smith: Excuse me, sirs? We could always vote.
Grif, Tucker, Simmons, and Caboose look at one another. Cut to a title card entitled: Simmons. Cut back to Simmons standing center stage on the platform.
Simmons: My fellow soldiers. If you elect me as your leader, you're not just voting for a kind, well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory. I've overseen countless skirmishes and calculated my opponent's every move. And although some people may not count Dungeons and Dragons as an acceptable example of military expertise, I beg to differ. A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!
Palomo:...But we're not in America.
Cut to another title card, entitle: Caboose.
Caboose: And I will put Kool-Aids in all the water fountains! And we won't have to wear uniforms...anymore! And Principal Kimball... will...allow us...double recess! (echoing) Recess, recess recess...
Tucker: Caboose, you're not running for class president.
Pan in closer towards Smith.
Smith: No, don't you see? We won't need uniforms anymore because the war will finally be over. Kimball will send us out into the world and we'll never have to raise another gun ever again.
Cut to a view of Smith looking up at Caboose.
Smith: By god, he has such a way with words.
Grif: Is this guy for real?
Simmons: Wait, what about the Kool-aid in the water fountains?
Smith: Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.
Another title card: Grif.
Grif: I call dibs on the team. Dibs.
Tucker: You can't call dibs on the team!
Grif: ...You sure?
Grif: Alright, whatever! (mumbling) I don't wanna be leader anyway...
Final title card: Tucker.
Tucker: S'up guys, Tucker here. Uh, speech...speech...oh, I've always said I'm a lover and not a fighter. I'm lookin' at you, Jensen.
Tucker: Yeah, tell your volleyball friend I said that. Anyways-
Felix arrives on the scene.
Felix: Please. God. Tell me you guys haven't been standing around talking all morning.
Tucker looks at Felix and then back at the recruits.
Tucker: (to the recruits) ...Alright look, you want the truth? I don't wanna be your leader. Being a leader totally sucks. It's hard work and you have to put up with people you hate! But I wanna get my friends back and seeing as that's our mission, I will deal with whatever bullshit I have to do to make it happen! ...And if I was holding a mic, this would be the part where I drop it.
Jensen:...I vote for Tucker.
Bitters: Yeeaah, I vote for Tucker.
Smith: Me too.
Grif: Congratulations, Tucker! You got the job. That you hate.
Felix: Yeaaah, great. Yay. Happy for you. So, did you guys wanna start training at some point? Or, sorry, would you prefer to keep dicking around? Because by all means, I could watch this train wreck all day. Really, it's-it's like the Hindenburg footage. Ya-ya ever see that? Just, absolutely breathtaking... until you realize everyone's screwed.
Fade to black
- The running gag of the Reds and Blues "just standing around and talking" returns in this episode.
- Caboose's Lieutenant's name is revealed to be John Smith.
- Palomo is revealed to be the last surviving member of Tucker's green team.
- Caboose's time as Blue Team "leader" in Season 11 is briefly mentioned.
- While voting to see who becomes leader of the rescue team, Caboose states that anyone who previously had leadership experience should become leader. However, he and, apparently, the others have forgotten that Simmons forcibly took leadership position of Red Team during Season 5 and Grif became leader of the Rat's Nest Reds in Reconstruction. Though arguably as Grif pointed out in Season 5, Simmons wasn't actually the leader during that time.
- Grif calling "dibs" on the position for team leader may be a reference to Got Your Back, where Church called "dibs" on the crashed ship.
- Simmons referencing Dungeons and Dragons during his speech may be a reference to Perusing the Archive where Sarge tells Simmons not to make Dungeons and Dragons references on the "secret door."