|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Son of a Bitch"|
|Airdate||October 3, 2011|
On the hill of Blood Gulch, Tex tells the Blues to pick a Red to kill. She suggests Church to use his sniper to kill them. Tucker tells her that Church isn't that good with the Sniper Rifle and she has him shoot a rock for target practice. He misses and tries to make up an excuse. Tex realizes that Church is a terrible shot and takes the sniper to use instead.
Back at Red Base Donut asks Lopez if he heard something. Lopez says he thinks its a rifle but Donut misunderstands and says he agrees that it's likely nothing. Meanwhile, Tex asks the Blues which Red should die: the pink one, the red one, or the orange one. She then decides to shoot the leader but then sees Lopez and decides on him, as he looks suspicious. Tex then impatiently shoots Lopez, causing Lopez's body to tear apart; however his head still functions. Tex decides to kill another one and begins to aim at Donut. However, when she hears him crying she decides he'll demoralize the rest of Red Team and that they should just leave.
Meanwhile, in the Freelancer backstory, two Pelicans are closing in on the city. They sync and Team A disperses. We go into Team B's Pelican to find North talking to C.T. and Wyoming about the mission. Team A, meanwhile, enter the building. We cut to them inside and Carolina tells York to come and unlock a door. York gets it but an alarm goes off. Carolina tells him to disable it and he jokingly asks if saying sorry counts. Two soldiers notice the alarm and one tells the other to send a team to the Vault.
In Blood Gulch, the Reds look at Lopez's dismantled body, who they still believe is Simmons. Sarge asks if anyone wants to say a few words but no one really knew anything about Simmons, other than Donut, thinking he said he liked gum once. Sarge then talks about how he knew Simmons, until the real Simmons walks up behind him. He tells them he's free and is surprised to see they already killed Lopez. Sarge tells him they are lamenting his death and Simmons, believing he is being praised, allows them to continue. However, upon finding out they knew nearly nothing about him, Simmons becomes angry. Donut and Grif point out they contributed and Donut begins to get upset that he didn't get to make a flower arrangement.
Fade in to Blood Gulch with the Blue team debating over which Red to kill. An earthquake briefly occurs.
Tex: Ok, pick one.
Tex: Well, preferably one on that side of the canyon. But uh, I'm not all that choosy.
Tucker: Why are you looking at me when you say that?
Tex: No reason... just pick one and take the shot. I'll cover you if they attack.
Church: You mean, shoot them with this?
Church raises his sniper rifle.
Tex: What else?
Tucker: Heheh, he's really not that great with that thing.
Tex: Give me a break. You're a soldier.
Church: Yeah well that's debatable.
Tex: Hit the rock over there.
Church takes two shots at a rock with the sniper rifle, but misses both shots.
Church: Ya see, I think the uh.. the sun reflected off the rockface there and..
Tex: Just gimme the damn rifle.
Church: Yeah okay. Thanks.
Cut to Donut and Lopez, the latter of which is still maroon.
Donut: Hey Simmons, did you hear that?
Lopez: Sí. Sonó como un rifle.[Yes. It sounded like a rifle.]
Donut: I'm sure it's nothing.
Lopez: ¿Por qué dices eso? Ésta es una zona de guerra.[Why would you say that? This is a war zone.]
Donut: Good point Simmons. Back to work!
Cut back to Blue team where Tex now has the sniper rifle
Tucker: Dude, this has to be embarrassing for you.
Church: I don't really want to talk about it.
Tex: Alright come on, it's not that hard. Which one should we take out? The pink one, the orange one..
Caboose: Pretty sure he's yellow.
Tex: Is it me, or does he seem a little slow?
Tucker: Yeah, Caboose was held back a grade. Or two.
Tex: I meant the orange one.
Tucker: Ohohoh, yeah he's just fat.
Tex: What about the red one? I mean, he's the leader, he seems tough. Or maybe the maroon one? He looks like he's up to something.
Church: Yeah, I don't know? I can't really decide which one. Maybe we should put it to a vote.
Tex: You know what, screw it! The maroon one is closest, we'll just shoot him.
Tex shoots Lopez in the head with the sniper rifle, disassembling his entire body.
Church: Uggh. Nice shot.
Cut over to Lopez, who is now a disembodied head.
Lopez: Mierda. [Shit.]
The camera has a broader view now, showing Lopez's scattered parts, with Donut standing over them.
Donut: Oh my God! Simmons! How did this happen?
Cut back to Blue team
Tucker: Wow. That was pretty fuckin' brutal.
Caboose: Andersmith. I kept my promise. You have been avenged.
Tex: You know what, let me shoot another one. I think you guys could use the advantage.
Church: Umm.. are ya- are you sure?
Cut over to Donut, who is still grieving over "Simmons".
Donut: There was so much we had left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes, and dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this?! We could have talked, you coulda told me what was wrong! NOOOOOOOOOHOHOOO!
The camera is back in focus of the blue team. In the backround, you can hear Donut wailing.
Tex: Eh, maybe I'll let that one live. Might demoralize the rest of 'em.
Tucker: Good idea.
Tex: C'mon, let's pack it in.
Tucker: Does anybody else feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really, really dirty?
The story switches over to the Freelancer backstory where two pelicans encroach upon a city. The pelican in the backround powers down its engines.
North Dakota: Team A, you look clear. Window is open. Start your clocks. On my mark. Mark.
Carolina: Sync. Roger that. Team A is moving.
Team A's pelican moves out.
North: Copy that Carolina. Good luck Team A.
Carolina: Thanks. We won't need it.
Cut to the inside of Team B's pelican.
North: Alright Bravo, lets move out. We have 3 minutes until first alert. Lets have our target in hand by 2.
Team A enters the building. Washington and Maine are on look out.
Carolina: We're in. York, get up here. How long to crack that lock?
York: Should take about 60 seconds. You can give me 15.
The camera zooms in on the lock.
York: Wow, it's a holographic. That's high-end.
Carolina: Can you get through it?
York: Of course I can. You didn't bring me along for my good looks, did you? Whoever designed this is a genius.
An alarm sounds.
Carolina: You were saying?
York: Ok, I take it back, whoever designed this is an asshole. There.
York successfully picks the lock, opening the doors to the Vault.
York: Everybody in.
Carolina: Thanks York, but do something about that alarm system. We don't need anymore surprises.
York: Does saying sorry count as something?
Carolina gives York a glare.
York: Hmm. Guess not.
Carolina: We'll secure the package. Set some trackers, then find us a way out of this.
Carolina, Washington, and Maine enter the Vault.
York leaves. Cut to another part of the building, where two Insurrectionists are seen inside.
Insurrection soldier: What the?
Demo Man: Looks like we got an alert on Sector 7. That's the vault. Take a team up there now.
Cut back to Blood Gulch. Sarge, Grif, and Donut are standing over the remains of Lopez.
Grif: Simmons is... dead?
Donut: I can't believe he's gone.
Sarge: Well, you know what they say in a time like this. He may be dead, but he's never truly gone. Until we get rid of all his gross body parts. Grif, go fetch a garbage pail.
Grif: Sarge, I'm grieving here, can't making up excuses to avoid work wait till later?
Sarge: You're right Grif. I suppose someone should say a few words. Anybody? C'mon who knew him best? Donut?
Donut: Um, I think he said he liked gum once. I don't know, that's kind of all I got.
Sarge: How about you, Grif?
Grif: Me? Why me?
Donut: C'mon, Grif and Simmons. You guys were inseparable! Surely you guys must have gotten to know each other over the years.
Grif: Yeah, I don't know. He would talk a lot and I'd lose interest immdiately. And then he would ask me a question and I would just go "Huh? What? Oh yeah, sure Simmons. Whatever you say." It wasn't a perfect system, but it was ours.
Sarge: But he always stayed by your side. Isn't there anything you remember him telling you?
Grif: Huh? Oh uh, yeah Sarge. (mumbles) whatever...
Donut: What about you sir? Simmons always loved helping you.
Sarge: He did have a knack for following orders.
Simmons appears behind Sarge.
Sarge: Sometimes I'd, make things up, just to keep him off my back. One time I told him to disassemble the jeep, and rebuild it, just to keep him busy. Heh heh heh... I'll miss doing that.
Simmons: Guys, guys, I'm free! Oh, wow, you already killed Lopez. Awesome.
Sarge: Can it Simmons, we're trying to give your eulogy!
Simmons: But I'm not dead, I'm- wait, you guys are talking about me? In a good way? Oh never mind, go ahead. Please, continue.
Sarge: Gentlemen, we are here to pay our last respects to Simmons. He died so suddenly, and so violently.
Simmons: Oh man, this is the best day ever.
Sarge: Simmons wore maroon armor, he talked a lot and did some work. Also, he liked gum...The end.
Simmons: What?! That's it?! That's my funeral?!
Sarge: Not quite. Lets get that garbage pail.
Donut: I remembered the gum thing.
Simmons: I'd never imagined that my death could some how be worse than my life, but here it is. Bitchin'.
Grif: I contributed to the "Talks a lot" part.
Simmons: I don't talk a lot, I talk a regular amount. Do you really think I talk a lot?
Grif: Huh? Oh yeah, sure Simmons. Whatever.
Simmons: I hate you.
Donut: Oh man, I just realized! I could've made a flower arrangement for the funeral! Ah, there's just so few chances to do that around here.
Grif: Don't worry Donut, I'm sure one of us will get killed again soon.
Donut: Aw, you're just trying to make me feel better, and I love that about you.
- Lopez becoming a head references Seasons 3-5, where he was a mere head after the bomb sent the Reds and Blues "into the future".
- York saying he can unpick the holographic lock after complaining about it is a reference to Part IV of Out of Mind where he has a similar conversation with Tex.
- Donut's lament for Lopez is very similar to Caboose's lament for Andy in Episode 76.
- This episode's title is a reference to the running gag, where a character would say "son of a bitch" before being killed or injured.
- Caboose's comment on Grif's armor being yellow instead of orange returns the joke about Grif's armor color.
- While most Season 9 episodes start off with one storyline then shifts to the next one for the remainder of the episode, this episode is the first to start off with the main storyline, shift to the Freelancer storyline, and then back to the main storyline.
- The Demo Man says the alert is on Sector 7, a possible reference to Bungie's favorite number 7.