|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||March 1, 2005|
After a thousand years have passed, the computer completes the teleporter and reveals its name to be Gary. Church then teleports back to Blood Gulch shortly before the series begins. The moment Church is teleported away, however, another Church runs in and tells Gary to teleport him to Sidewinder instead, because he screwed everything up. The scene then cuts back to the first Church at Blood Gulch. Church, throughout the entire rest of the episode, is shown to have caused (or, at least, been unable to prevent) most of the mishaps of the first season.
When he first arrives, he shoves dirt into Lopez's switch (which later causes it to short out the leg motors). He then gives the Blue commanding officer, Captain Butch Flowers, aspirin medication in an attempt to stop him from having a massive heart attack, but it turns out that Flowers' allergy to aspirin is what caused the heart attack in the first place. Before he dies, Flowers attempts to tell Church something very important, but is unable to do so.
A few weeks later, Church meets Donut, who, at this point, is still in standard-issue red armor and is currently looking for "the store," attempting to complete the fool's errand given to him in episode 3. Since Donut is not yet wearing pink armor, Church fails to recognize him and points him towards Blue Base, but quickly realizes his mistake. In a last-ditch attempt to stop himself from dying, he activates the tank, which calls itself Phyllis. When he questions why her name is not Sheila, she changes her name accordingly. Church has her disable her friendly-fire protocol. Unfortunately, this has the effect of allowing her to target friendly forces, and, before Church can undo the change, Caboose drives off in the tank to rescue Church and Tucker. Church witnesses his own death and realizes that he is actually the "team killing fucktard."
Later, he attempts to kill Donut, but is interrupted by Tex's initial attack on the Red Base, and drops his sniper rifle. This is found by Caboose, who uses it to shoot Sarge, whom past-Church had been possessing at that moment. After another series of failed attempts, future-Church attempts to snipe the plasma grenade out of the air as Donut throws it at Tex and Sheila, but fails and decides to go and live in a cave. The episode ends with Caboose, noticing future-Church, trying to contact him using the radio, only to be infected by O'Malley.
Fade in to the bomb, counting down the last few seconds to 2:00
Grif: Howh, just two minutes left.
Sarge: Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic, but I'm absolutely certain we're all gonna die!
Simmons: I think that that's a totally objective assessment of the situation, sir.
Tucker: (hitting the window shutters with the ultimate weapon) What if we just beat on these window shutters together? We can get 'em open.
Sarge: No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!
Tucker: (jumping up in the now open window) But I can see daylight!
Sarge: It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.
Cut to the computer with Church
Computer: teleporter complete. slightly behind schedule.
Church: (with a white beard all the way to Tibet) You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes.
Computer: knock knock.
Church: Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?
Computer: yes. do you have a plan yet?
Church: I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time.
Church: Well, the main thing I need to do, is keep myself from dying.
Computer: (with a glaring typo) that's a given.
Church: And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Caboose, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too.
Computer: because you secretly love her.
Church: Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her.
Computer: sounds easy.
Church: Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze.
Computer: ready to transport.
Church: Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer. Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years.
Computer: it's gary. but thanks for asking. see you in a few hundred years.
Church with a beard all the way to Tibet teleports away, and is instantly replaced by Church with no beard to Tibet running up to the same spot
Church: Computer, you've got to send me back!
Gary: to blood gulch? you just left.
Church: No no no not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!
Cut to Blood Gulch, with Sarge constructing Lopez's lower half
Grif: (in the Red Base) Hey Sarge!
Sarge: What now?
Grif: Command's on the phone, they want to talk to you about some kind of upcoming delivery!
Sarge: Dag, nabbit! I'm never gonna finish this mechanized robot at this rate! I'll be right there. Now don't you go anywhere Lopez... Hee hee heh heh.
Future Church arrives next to Lopez after Sarge runs in to the base
Future Church: Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t- Ah who'm I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirthole any more appealing. Oh what the hell, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be way before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon. (looks down) What's that... (sees two switches, one significantly larger than the other, and kicks dirt on the smaller one) You just got an upgrade pal.
Church runs off as Sarge returns
Sarge: Oh no, how did all this dirt get in Lopez's switch? It better not short out when I use it. Could take out both the leg motors.
Cut to Church running somewhere
Future Church: I wonder just how early I am.
Cut to Past Church on Blue Base
Past Church: Did they come out!? Tucker!
Tucker: (in standard blue armor; out by the teleporter receptacle in the Gulch) What!?
Past Church: Did it come out the other side!?
Tucker: Yeah, but they're all black and smoking! Maybe you've got it turned up too high!
Past Church: What're you talking about, I don't see a knob or anything on this thing. Hey, you think I could throw a grenade through here!?
Tucker: What, that would never work!
Teal Soldier: Hey men, sorry to interrupt, would you mind huddling up fellas?
Tucker: Be right there, Captain Flowers.
Flowers: How are you adjusting to the climate here on Blood Gulch, Private Church?
Past Church: Fine. Little warm, but, okay.
Flowers: That's great. You have any problems at all, you let me know.
Past Church: Umm... Okay.
Tucker: What's up Sir?
Flowers: Sir, Tucker... I told you to call me Captain, or Cappy, er... I don't want silly things like rank to interfere with our team dynamic.
Tucker: You got it, Cappy.
Flowers: I think I'm commanding the finest army, in all of Blood Gulch.
Tucker: Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?
Past Church: Yeah, you know, the enemy?
Flowers: I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. ...And yes, also those red guys.
Past Church: Yeah I've been thinking about our orders from Command... uh, Cappy. And I gotta tell you, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.
Tucker: I think we should listen to this guy Captain, he seems to know plenty about being offensive.
Past Church: Can it, shitbird.
Flowers: Men your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.
Past Church: Uhm... thank God for the chain of command?
Flowers: Now. I know you're worried about our mission. But I can tell you this. There's nothing, more important to me, than the safety, and well-being, of my men. Or my name, isn't Captain. Butch. Flowers.
Tucker: Does that mean we all get Sniper Rifles?
Flowers: I'm gonna put in an order for yours tomorrow, Private Tucker. But I need to get some shut-eye first.
Tucker: Awesome. But it's like three-fifteen in the afternoon.
Past Church: You're forgetting about the time change, Tucker.
Tucker: Oh yeah, it's like three-eighteen. Why the hell is daylight savings time here only three minutes?
Flowers: Good question, Private Tucker. It'll have to wait for another day, some of us need our beauty sleep. Not everyone has your striking metrosexual good looks.
Tucker: That's true.
Cut to Future Church behind a rock, watching the situation
Future Church: Holy crap, Captain Flowers is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once.
Cut to Flowers inside Blue Base
Flowers: Huh, and now to go to sleep, standing up with my eyes open, as is my custom.
Future Church: Captain Flowers!
Flowers: God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?
Future Church: Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well.
Flowers: Course I remember you Church, I just saw you two minutes ago.
Future Church: Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.
Flowers: That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player.
Future Church: And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird, and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen.
Flowers: I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Church.
Future Church steps up and injects Flowers in the wrist for some reason
Flowers: Thank you son. Feeling much bett- ...better. ...Agh.
Future Church: What. What's the matter?
Flowers: That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin.
Future Church: Umm...
Flowers: (squatting) Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing... (falls over) Church. Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here.
Future Church: What, what is it?
Future Church: Aw, crap.
Past Church and Tucker run in to the base, and Future Church bails
Past Church: No Tucker, you can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow. Captain, what time did you wanna- Captain? (runs over to Flowers and checks for a pulse) Hoooly crap, he's dead Tucker. I think he might have had a heart attack in his sleep.
Tucker: Dude, that's horrible. This is a sad day... (beat) (excitedly I got dibs on the armor!
Cut to Future Church looking back at Blue Base
Future Church: Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage.
Cut to black screen with white text: "a few weeks later"
Cut to Future Church hiding in the shade
Future Church: Man this sucks. It's still weeks until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet.
Future Church: Uhmm... Hello.
Donut: Do you have any elbow grease?
Future Church: What're you talking about?
Donut: How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?
Future Church: What? Look man, there's only two places in this God damn canyon.
Donut: Look I just came from Red Base.
Future Church: Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way.
Donut: Okay, thanks mister!
Future Church: Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?
Donut: Pink guy? I don't know any pink guys. There's a maroon guy and an orange guy, but no pink guys. Seeya later. (takes off)
Future Church: Yeah thanks. What an idiot. ...Wait a minute.
Cut to Caboose and Church during episode 4
Caboose: My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Past Church: Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut!
Donut: Oh sweet, they sell tanks!
Future Church: (on the hill behind Donut, whispering) Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!
Donut: Is that the guy from the cave? How'd he get down here so fast?
Past Church: (turning around) Tucker, are you laughing at me?
Donut: Excuse me, Sir, can I ask you a question?
Future Church: Oh crap.
Donut runs out of Blue Base carrying the flag
Caboose: (emerging from Blue Base) The General stopped by, and picked up the flag! (returns inside the base)
Past Church: Wait a second... what did he just say?
Past Church and Tucker run in to the base. Future Church turns to see Sheila
Future Church: There's Sheila. Sheila! (runs up to the tank) Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Cut to Past Church running off of Blue Base from Caboose
Past Church: Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Future Church: (running around back of Sheila) Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Future Church: Hey, She- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Phyllis: Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Future Church: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled.
Future Church: Yeah, c’mon c’mon, hurry.
Sheila: Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled.
Future Church: Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Future Church: Alright. Disable, the "Friendly Fire" protocol.
Sheila: "Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targeted by Auto-lock.
Future Church: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
Caboose enters the tank
Future Church: I want the other thing.
Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Future Church: Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila: This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving. (drives off)
Future Church: (left behind) Wait! Oh my God, no!
Sheila: (driving) I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Future Church: (chasing after on foot) No no no no no no no no no no n-
Past Church: (standing on the cliff in episode 8) Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired. (spinning turret around at Church)
Cut to view from the tank, slowly panning up the cliffside at Church
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Sheila: Target locked.
Past Church: What? Oh, son of a bi-
Future Church: (looking on from behind foliage) Oh NO! I'm the team-killing fucktard!
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
Sheila: (spinning turret around) New target acquired. (drives off)
Tucker: (running along the cliff) Caboose, wait!
Future Church: (arriving next to his own dead body) Ah, here we go. (picks up his own dead body's sniper rifle) Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody.
Cut to Caboose inside Sheila
Caboose: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!
Sheila: Night vision engaged.
Tucker: Rookie, get out now!
Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank
Caboose: Okay, open the d-, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?
Sheila: Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs off the tank) Thank you for using the M808B main battle ta-
Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards
Caboose: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, running, running, running!
Past Church materializes as a ghost behind Future Church on the cliff
Past Church: What happened? I can see my body. I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?
Future Church: Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot.
Past Church: So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?
Future Church: What light? I don't see a light, you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest.
Past Church: Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence...
Future Church: Man... First I kill myself, then I realise I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me.
Cut to Tucker and Caboose running up to the cliff
Tucker: One second Caboose, I wanna get Church's sniper rifle.
Future Church: Uh oh. (hides)
Tucker: Aw crap, it's gone. Man I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on Caboose, let's go call Command.
Caboose: Um... shouldn't we bury Church?
Tucker: Fuck that, has he ever buried us?
Cut to Grif on Red Base
Grif: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.
Donut: Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?
Simmons: What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.
Donut: Still, you think there's a shot?
Simmons: Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.
Grif: Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?
Cut to Tex turning around
Tex: using vocal distortion Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.
Caboose: Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...
Tex: using normal voice Yeah. You do that. Wimps.
Cut to Future Church spying on the Reds through the sniper rifle from behind a rock
Future Church: Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the hell is he?
Donut: The best thing about the military is all the cool stuff I'm seeing for the first time.
Grif: Yeah that's great.
Invisible Tex runs across in front of Future Church
Future Church: What the-? What was that?
Donut: Yeah, there wasn't a lot to do back on the old farm. Just sit back, think about things, and then repress those thoughts immediately...
Simmons: Doesn't this guy ever shut up?
Grif: Hyeah, I'm wondering the same thing.
Cut to Tex, who throws a grenade up on to the red base, then cut to Grif
Grif: What the fuck?
Donut: (with the grenade stuck to his helmet) What?
The grenade explodes
Grif and Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Cut to Future Church's view through the sniper rifle of Grif swinging at nothing
Grif: Simmons, help me fight, I'm too good looking to die!
Future Church: Where'd he go?
Simmons: Eek! I'm gonna faint!
Cut to Future Church's view of Sarge following Tex in to Red Base
Future Church: Aw, shit! Tex! Don't go in there! (drops the sniper rifle and charges after them) Awgh, I gotta do somethin'.
Cut to Future Church sneaking up behind a wall inside Red Base
Grif: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!
Sarge: Simmons, Grif. You watch the prisoner. Lopez and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Simmons, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Grif, just mild applause will do fine.
Simmons: Yes Sir!
Grif: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...
Tex: Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.
Grif: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?
Tex leans in at Grif quickly, then leans back. Grif flinches and steps back
Grif: Aaah, not the face!
Sarge: (from the top of the base) Grif, get yer keester up here. We got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.
Grif: Coming Sir.
Simmons: Did you hear that?
Grif: I don't see any... (sees Caboose running across the Gulch) Uh uh, yep, there's one. (Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it) Why is he just standing there?
Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock
Tucker: Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.
Caboose: They can't see me. I can't see them!
Tucker: That's because you're facing the rock.
Caboose: (looks at the base) Oh. Right. (ducks behind the rock, finds the sniper rifle Church left there) Look! A telemascope!
Past Church: possessing Sarge Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you.
Simmons: (turning around to face Tex) Sarge, I'm starting to think that-
Past Church possessing Sarge hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down
Simmons: Ow, geez, the back of my head!
Tex: What the hell are you doing!?
Past Church: still possessing Sarge Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.
Tex and Past Church run off
Future Church: (stepping in to the middle of the base) Oh right, that red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an- Oh no.
Simmons: (waking up and standing up) What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!
Future Church: Yeah, that's great. (punches Simmons in the face)
Simmons: Ow, geez, the front of my face!
Future Church runs up to the entrance of the base and watches his past self in Sarge's body get shot in the head by the sniper rifle he left behind for Caboose to find
Future Church: You gotta be kidding me!
Caboose: Tucker did it!
Cut to a black screen with the words "many unsuccessful attempts later"
Cut to Sheila attacking the Red Base in episode 19
Sheila: Target locked. (fires)
Donut comes up from inside the base, and speaks as Future Church fires four sniper shots at him and misses horribly with each one
Donut: Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?
Future Church: (reloading the sniper rifle) Oh my God, how did I miss?
Grif: That chick in the black armor's back!
Donut: (as Church continues missing him horribly) What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?
Future Church: GOD DAMMIT!
Simmons: That's the one.
Donut: Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this. (runs up to the edge of the base) Hey Bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!
Donut throws a grenade. Various camera angles follow it on its long journey through the sky, and everyone in the Gulch watching it go
Future Church: (firing at the grenade four times and missing each time) FUCK! THIS! HORSE! SHIT!!!!
Cut to Caboose and Tucker
Tucker: Man, that girl's got a really good arm.
The grenade lands right in Tex's lap, inside the tank
Tex: Aw crap!
Donut: Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore! (dirty whore echoes at least twice in the Gulch before the tank finally explodes)
Future Church: (speaking over Donut) Alright that's it, I quit. I'm going to live in a cave.
Past Church: ¡Dios mío, no!
Caboose: That looks like Church.
Caboose: Come in, Church. Is that you, Church?
Morse Code is audible, reminiscent of when O'Malley moved from Caboose in to Doc
O'Malley: (Caboose-style evil laugh)
- This is the fourth longest running episode in the series, behind Why Were We Here?, Meta vs. Carolina: Dawn of Awesome, and the season 14 finale.
- In this episode, Omega is depicted as infecting Caboose immediately after Tex is killed by Donut. In the original episode, Last One Out, Hit the Lights, however, Omega had infected Caboose before Tex's death, evidenced when Caboose introduced himself as O'Malley when attempting to warn Church that Tex had repaired Sheila.
- Church's attempt to change the past in both this episode and the following episode is an example of what's known as the Predestination Paradox, in which the actions of a time traveller, who is trying to stop or change certain events, is what actually causes said events in the first place.