|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Rules of the Game"|
Fade in to Sarge and Caboose standing next to each other.
Sarge: Why hello, I'm Sarge from the popular web series Red vs Blue.
Caboose: And I'm standing next to him.
Sarge: You know the worlds of professional sports has seen some very unsportsmanlike conduct recently, drug use is rampant, players' salaries are obscene.
Caboose: And tennis is still boring.
Sarge: That's why the world needs a new form of athletic entertainment, one that is not only fun and exciting, but appropriate for adults and children.
Caboose: And inappropriate for everyone else.
Sarge: Of course I'm talking about the sport that's sweeping the nation, the sport known as Grifball.
Caboose: It's fun because you get to use a hammer.
Sarge: And wholesome because you get to kill Grif with it.
Caboose: Over and over again!
Sarge: (chuckles) Exactly. But how do you play being hailed as the sport of the distant future? Well the rules are simple.
Caboose: Almost simple enough to understand!
Sarge: Let's turn to our resident sports ecologists. Professor Simmons and Church.
Cut to the Grifball court with the music playing with Church and Simmons standing next to each other.
Simmons: Hi there! We here at the American Grifball League of America are constantly testing and refining the rules of Grifball.
Church: But the basic structure of the game is easy to understand. A bomb, known as the grifball, is placed at the center of an open court.
Simmons: At either end of the court is a goal. There are two teams; one red-
Church: And one good.
Simmons: And each team must defend its goal from the ball carrier.
Church: And just who is this ball carrier? You guessed it!
Simmons: That guy!
Cut to Grif holding the grifball.
Grif: Hey what the-how did I get here? And why am I holding this bomb?
Cut back to Church
Church: Any player that picks up the ball, red or blue, instantly becomes Grif.
Simmons: That makes the ball carrier easier to identify.
Cut to Grif
Grif: Yeahh, I'm famous, and good looking.
Church: And, easier to kill.
Grif: Yeah I-wait, what now?
A blue player with a hammer hits him, sending him flying.
Grif: Ow, son of a bitch!
Church: Each player is equipped with a gravity hammer-
A blue player goes and picks up the grifball
Grif: Whoa! How did I get this bomb again? I gotta watch out for those hammers this time!
A red player with a hammer tries to kill Grif but is hit by a blue player.
Simmons: -and an energy sword.
A red player slices Grif.
Grif: Ah! God dammit!
A blue player hits the red player that killed Grif with a hammer, unintentionally hitting a downed Grif.
Church: To score, the ball carrier must drop the ball on his opponent's goal, ending the round. The team with the highest score after nine rounds, wins.
A blue player picks up the grifball and turns into Grif. Grif maneuvers around the court, avoiding red players before dropping the ball on the goal.
Grif: (maneuvering) I've got this! Be the ball! Be the ball! To the left! Now I'm gonna go right! Psyche! What- uh, spin move! Uh, okay that's more of a turn around. (Grif scores) Uh... score! Yes! Woo hoo! Awesome! Griftastic!
Church: And to make things a little more exciting, the ball explodes after every score.
Grif: (laughs) In your face non-Grifs! Wait, what was all that stuff about explode-
The bomb explodes, sending Grif flying and killing a nearby blue player and destroying a panel above.
Grif: Oh my god! My skin is on fire!
Cut back to Sarge and Caboose.
Sarge: So as you can see, Grifball is the ideal sport. It has all the elements of gamesmanship: Grif pain and suffering, Grif humiliation and defeat, and Grif multiple deaths.
Caboose: It's just like hockey, except with Grif and more teeth!
Sarge: Grifball, the sport of tomorrow is the sport of today. See ya on the court sports-lovers... and Grif-haters.
Caboose: (notices something on the ground) Hey, look sergeant! Someone left the ball here! Well I'll just casually pick this up-
Caboose picks up the ball and turns into Grif.
Grif: -and return it to the area of play.
Sarge pulls out a Gravity Hammer.
Grif: Oh crap.
Sarge slams the Gravity Hammer towards the screen. Cut to black.
Sarge: (voice only) This is the best game since itself.
- Caboose wears a Mark VI helmet instead of a Mark V.
- Church and Simmons introduce the American Grifball League of America.
- In Grifball: Expansion 3, Double Agent 2, and Double Agent 3, the side screens of the UNSN newsroom features clips of this PSA.
- The notes next to Caboose change from Grifball, Game Rules, Kill Grif, Slaughter Grif, Destroy Grif, Have FUN (except for Grif) to Meatball, Sandwiches, Grinder, Hoagie, Sub, Hero (excludes Grif).