|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Relocated: Part Four"|
|Airdate||March 9, 2009|
Sarge and Lopez get the new weapon on the Warthog working and test it on holographic simulations of Grif. Donut mysteriously arrives and gives Grif a cryptic warning involving Tucker. Meanwhile, Caboose seems to have gathered the corpses/armor of his former teammates at Valhalla's Blue Base for unknown reasons.
Sarge drives up in jeep, gets out
Sarge: Now this is more like it! Great job on the simulator, Lopez; Good work on the power, Simmons.
Simmons: Thank you, sir!
Grif: Simmons?! I'm the one that was almost killed just so you could get the electricity back on.
Sarge: Yep, but it was worth it.
Grif: You say that every time I'm almost killed.
Flashback to Halo: CE Sarge, Simmons runs up
Simmons: Sarge! Grif was spying on the blues and they captured him!
Sarge: What'd he find out? Are they planning something?
Simmons: No, they were standing around talking, like always. But now they're gonna kill him!
Sarge: Well, it was worth it.
Flash to Halo 2 Sarge and Simmons talking
Sarge: The base looks so clean Simmons! Excellent work.
Simmons: Yeah, too bad Grif was almost killed by his allergic reaction to the cleaning supplies.
Pan to Grif laying in a pool of blood
Sarge: It was worth it!
Flash to Sarge and Simmons standing, with Grif on floor between them and on fire
Sarge: Worth it.
Flash to present
Sarge: Only because it's always true. There's very few tasks that wouldn't balance out by you making the ultimate sacrifice.
Simmons: At least this time we got something out of it. We got power, and a new weapon!
Sarge: Let's test this bad boy out.
Sarge mounts turret of Warthog, points at Grif
Grif: Whoa, wait a second. Does this hologram jeep shoot hologram slugs, or real slugs?
Sarge: As long as we are in this room, everything will seem real to us. It's all simulated, but your mind makes it real.
Simmons: Ooh, like the Matrix!
Lopez: Sí, pero sin toda la filosofía oriental que nadie entiende. [Right, but without all the Eastern philosophy stuff that no one understands]
Grif: Alright, fuck this. I'm going to stand over there.
Sarge: Well guess what, dirtbag? I don't need you for target practice anymore. I've got my own holo-Grif programed into the system already.
Lopez makes a holo-Grif
Holo-Grif: Hello! I am literally the worst program ever made!
Simmons: It sounds like someone hasn't used Google Chrome...
Sarge: Locked and loaded, ready to fire at the bloated. Grif... I mean, fake Grif... go stand over there.
Holo-Grif: Cool... Whatever...
Holo-Grif runs to center of room
Sarge: This is a magnetized propulsion system. It can fire massive slugs at an outrageous velocity! Check it out.
Sarge fires, killing holo-Grif and stalling out the Warthog's engine.
Holo-Grif: (flying as corpse) Blarg! I deserve it!
Another figure is seen, standing where holo-Grif was
Sarge: Heh heh. See? How awesome is that?
Sarge: And in 10 short seconds, it'll be ready to fire again.
Simmons: That's incredible! Wait a minute...
Sarge: Lopez, spawn me another holo-Grif on the pronto.
Grif: Did you guys see that?
Sarge: Shut up real-Grif! We're doing important research over here! Hey Simmons, check this out: I'm gonna shoot the next one in the hoo-hoo.
Another Grif spawns
Holo-Grif: Oh, hey guys. What's goin-
Sarge fires at the Holo-Grif directly at his groin
Cut to Blue base. Caboose amid bits of equipment
Caboose:(Creepily) Finally we're all here. Now we can be together... forever.
Cut back to Red holo-room. A holo-Grif dies, adding to a pile of dead holo-Grifs
Sarge: Alright. Lopez, another holo-Grif.
Lopez: Esta cosa hace otros blancos sabéis... [This thing makes other targets you know...]
Sarge: Bah, let's stick with the fundamentals.
Stalled jeep restarts
Simmons: OK, Sarge. Do you mean to tell me this thing fires once every 10 seconds?
Sarge: Yep. It's state of the art.
Another holo-Grif spawns
Holo-Grif: Let's get this over with...
Simmons: But our last weapon fired 10,000 rounds per second.
Sarge: If my math is right, and I think it is, that seems like more than this one.
Simmons: Yes, it is.
Sarge: How much more would you say?
Simmons: Well, the chaingun was 10,000 rounds per second, and this would be 0.1 of a round per second. So yeah, it was.
Sarge fires again, killing holo-Grif and stalling jeep once more. Grif sees figure
Sarge: It does seem to be lacking in the rapid fire department.
Grif: I know I'm not crazy. I just saw something move.
Sarge: Oh well, a good craftsmen never blames his tools.
Simmons: But, we made the tool in this case. Can we blame the craftsman?
Sarge: No, Simmons. You and the gun are just going to have to agree to disagree.
Five holo-Grifs spawn, in a line
Simmons: Let me take a look. Maybe I can increase the rate of fire. (mounts jeep and drives off)
Sarge: And maybe Lopez can find a way to spawn Grifs faster
Lopez: ¡Hace otras cosas! [It makes other things!]
Grif: Guys, seriously. I know I saw something. (approaches line of holo-Grifs) Aha! See? This one is weird. It's all light red instead of orange.
Sarge: (not looking) No Grif, I'm sure it isn't
Simmons: You're probably still hallucinating from the charge you took.
Grif: Yeah, I don't think so. Look!
Sarge: Grif, we are busy! You and Donut shut up and stop distracting us.
Grif: But I... Donut?!
Grif: Eeyah! Donut?!
Grif: Where the hell did you come from?
Grif: You came from the water?
Donut: Water! (collapses)
Grif: I didn't even know you would swim
Donut: Grif! He needs help! It's under... the sand... find him.
Grif: Oh boy. That sounds like something that's gonna keep us busy for a few months
Sarge and Simmons approach
Sarge: Holy mamma mia. Donut! Where's he been?
Simmons: Donut! Grif, what did he say?
Grif: Hm? Who, him? Oh, uh, he just said he wanted some water.
Simmons: That's it?
Grif: Yeah, uh, just the water thing, uh, oh! Also that he really missed everyone.
Sarge: Why don't I believe you?
Grif: Um, he also said that he liked the new jeep.
Fade to black
Sarge: Hot damn! I always knew that kid had style.