|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||October 17, 2005|
At Zanzibar, Tex and Church argue over whether to let Andy translate what the Alien is saying. Church is concerned that Andy's lack of manners could upset the alien even further. Eventually, Church relents and agrees to this arrangement out of his curiosity as to what could happen. During this whole conversation the Alien is still beating Tucker to a pulp.
At Blood Gulch, the Reds are fracturing even more as Donut is unsuccessful in asking Grif to return to their base. Grif refuses, believing Sarge simply wants him to do work, and not just eat ice cream. In reality, Sarge did want Grif to help him eat some of the ice cream that he found. Simmons — now painted mostly blue — plays out his vengeance on the Reds. At first he attempts to cause the Reds to be jealous of him; he soon gives up and orders Sheila to open fire on Red Base.
At Zanzibar, with Andy acting as a translator, the Alien reveals that he came to retrieve the energy sword that Tucker found. It was part of a sacred quest that he was on, but the sword has now locked itself to Tucker as he was the first to find and use it; this explains why Tex was unable to use the sword. As a result, Tucker must join the Alien on his quest. If Tucker refuses, the alien will destroy the base and slaughter everyone in it.
Fade in to the Blues... more or less
Church: You have got to be kidding me. There is no way I'm gonna let this happen.
Tex: I told you, he can do it.
Andy: Yeah, I'm qualified.
Church: Listen I don't doubt, that he can do it. I doubt that I want him to do it.
Church: Well you know what Andy? You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals.
Andy: That's bullshit! You're only saying that 'cause you're a racist.
Church: Racist- bombs are not a race!
Andy: Eh, shut up ya dirty Shisno.
Church: We finally make contact with an alien being, and our first attempt at communication is gonna be through a bomb? Am I the only person who has a problem with this?
Andy: Well unless you've got your English to Blarg-blarg dictionary, I don't think you got a choice, now do ya.
Caboose: I had one of those, but I threw it out. It didn't have many pictures.
Tex: I'm sure this'll be fine.
Church: You know I feel that I'm gonna regret this, but I feel even more that I just don't care, and that watching this whole thing unravel might be kinda interesting. Go for it.
Tex: Alright, where's the alien?
Church: Oh shit, I forgot.
Cut to the alien still beating the shit out of the back of Tucker's head
Tucker: (with each strike, as if bored) Ow, ow, ow...
Cut to Donut riding around in the purple thing
Donut: Grif. Oh Griiiiiiiif... ...Grif!
Grif: Huh, great.
Donut: There you are, where've you been?
Grif: Right here.
Donut: I've been lookin' all over for you. I looked in the base, I looked around the base, I looked on top of the base, I looked in the base again-
Grif: I think you need to learn what "all over" means.
Donut: Anyway, Sarge wants you to come back to the base, and-
Grif: No, I'm not going to do it.
Donut: No? But I didn't tell you what he wants.
Grif: Donut, it's Sarge. I know he doesn't want me to come in to the base to help him eat ice cream, he wants me to do stuff. Work stuff.
Grif: Listen Donut, I know you're ridin' high on your new promotion right now, but don't think you can order me around. Me and Simmons we had a system. He didn't try to tell me what to do, and I didn't ignore him.
Donut: Wait, you ignored him all the time.
Grif: I'm sorry, wha-? I wasn't listening to you. See, the system works. Learn the system Donut.
Cut to Simmons painted blue on top of the cliff, spying on Grif and Donut through the sniper rifle
Simmons: Look at those jerks. They don't know how good they have it. Alright Sheila, remember the plan. We don't wanna hurt them, I just wanna make them totally jealous for kicking me out. How does my armor look, am I all blue?
Simmons: Okay, let's start Operation Blue with Envy. You know 'cause normally it's green, but I'm gon- I'm blue, but it doesn't make any sense to say y- you know. Attack! (loudly so Grif can hear) Hey Sheila, you know what's great? Being on Blue team, it's so awesome. Way more awesome than being on that ol' Red team. Anyone can be on Red team where you have to share a base, on Blue team, I get my own base.
Grif: Is that Simmons? Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue!? Have you finally lost it!?
Simmons: This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.
Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires)
Cut to Donut and Sarge
Donut: I did my best Sarge, but Grif said he wouldn't come help.
Sarge: Son of a Ben 'n' Jerry, who's gonna help me eat all this ice cream we found?
Sheila's first shot hits the side of Red Base
Donut: Aaaahh, we're under attack!
Sheila: Target locked.
Sarge: Donut, you formulate a retaliation strategy. I'll secure the rum raisin.
Cut back to the Blues... except for Simmons
Tucker: Oh-hohohoh, man. I'm gonna die.
Alien: Blargh arg-honk, largh, lwargh.
Caboose: What's he saying now Andy?
Andy: Look guy, if you want me to translate for ya, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, what's he sayin' now Andy, what's he sayin' now? I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!
Caboose: That's what he said? That's a weird thing to say. Uh, tell him I said okay, I will not ask any, more of uh... that and also, no.
Church: I think I need a translator just for Caboose.
Andy: Okay basically he's uh, he says he's pissed off.
Church: Oh rea- yea- no kidding. Tex, are we paying for this service?
Tex: Just give him a chance.
Alien: Blargh, largh, wahublargh.
Andy: He says he came to claim some type of thing, and that the teal one took the thing...
Alien: Blarg blaargh.
Andy: And that now the thing is gone.
Tucker: Who's the teal one?
Tex: You are, idiot.
Tucker: No way, I'm aqua. Teal's out.
Church: That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken it's right there.
Alien: Argh blargh!
Andy: He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from his resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.
Tex: Uh oh.
Tucker: Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.
Church: This all sounds like bullshit to me.
Tex: No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?
Church: Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. Means you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.
Tex: Alright then you little smartass, you pick it up and try it.
Church looks at the sword, then at the alien.
Alien: (silently chuckling) Hur hur hur hur.
Church: Nah, I'll take his word for it.
Alien: Blargh blurg blabu blarg.
Andy: And now you gotta go with him, to fulfill the prophecy.
Tucker: Fuck you.
Alien: Blar blarg blargh, hnnk hnnk!
Andy: Heh heh heh, good one. Uh oh yeah, he... he's not too thrilled about it either.
Tucker: See I knew this was a bad idea. Sorry to fuck up your quest, dude, but I'm not goin'.
Andy: Aaand if you don't go, he'll destroy the base, and kill everybody here.
Church: ...Alright well have fun guys.
Tex: Hey a quest sounds fun, come on Tucker!
Andy: Aheh, I think he should stay here, 'cause, I like that killin' everybody option.