Red vs. Blue Episode
"No Fighting in the War Room"
13 05 00007
Episode no. 5
Airdate May 3, 2015 (sponsors)
May 4, 2015
Running time 7:19

Red vs. Blue Season 13
April 1, 2015 - September 7, 2015

  1. Trailer
  2. Prologue
  3. Capital Assets
  4. What's Yours is Ours
  5. Tourist Trap
  6. No Fighting in the War Room
  7. Along Came a Spider
  8. Locus of Control
  9. Test Your Might
  10. You Better Watch Out
  11. Temple of the Key
  12. Dish Best Served
  13. Off - Key
  14. The Thin Fed Line
  15. Counseling
  16. Armonia, Part 1
  17. Armonia, Part 2
  18. All or Nothing
  19. Great Destroyers
  20. The End is Near
  21. The End

No Fighting in the War Room is the fifth episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 13. It aired on May 3, 2015 for sponsors and May 4th, 2015 for the general public, and is the 270th episode overall.


Reds and BluesEdit

New RepublicEdit

Federal Army of ChorusEdit

Charon IndustriesEdit

Blue TeamEdit



13 05 00004

Inside a tractor beam tower at Crash Site Alpha, the Counselor assures Felix and Locus that the prisoner they picked up, who calls himself Sharkface, will be useful to them. Suddenly, the tower shuts down and a space pirate informs Felix and Locus that all of their wepaons and equipment have exploded. Just then, a red light appears behind the two mercenaries.

13 05 00005

Meanwhile, Doyle, Kimball, Washington, and the Reds contact the group at Charon Research Complex 2C, who inform them of the activation of the alien tower. Confused about how they did it, Tucker explains how his quest with the Alien and the revelation of his sword being a key caused the tower to activate, and ends his story by showing a picture of Junior on a fifth grade basketball team, confusing Doyle. After Wash gets everyone back on track, Carolina points out that because their Charon weaponry exploded, the space pirates most likely had the same experience with their weapons, giving them the advantage in numbers and weaponry.

13 05 00009

Kimball then states that while they've had small victories in the past few weeks, they still can't make contact with the UNSC due to the pirates' tractor beams and radio jammers. As a result, Kimball suggests they take down the tractor beams at crash site Alpha, but Wash and Doyle explain that the beams will be heavily guarded and won't be taken down easily. Regardless, Kimball argues that they must make some kind of move now while the pirates are down, prompting Tucker to bring up the map that the tower revealed.

13 05 00012

Tucker suggests they follow the coordinates and investigate where it leads but Kimball argues against it. Wash adds that the pirates will track and follow them there, but Carolina and Epsilon state that they can't let whatever the coordinates lead to fall into Charon's possession. As a result, Doyle proposes they divide and conquer, with Carolina, Dr. Grey, and the Blues following the coordinates and Kimball leading an attack with the Reds, Rebels and Feds to Crash Site Alpha. All the while, Doyle, Donut and Lopez stay and guard Armonia.

13 05 00016

Back at Crash Site Alpha, a space pirate informs Felix and Locus of the destruction of all their wepaons and equipment, with Locus ordering the pirate to send in the scientists in response. Another pirate then radios the two and informs them about a communications request from Control. Felix tells the pirate to tell Control that they'll call right back, revealing Felix and Locus staring at a map similar to the one at the alien temple, showing the same coordinates.


Fade in to a tractor beam tower at Crash Site Alpha. Numerous pirates present.

Counselor: (off screen) He's been calling himself "Sharkface".

Cut to inside of the tower. The Counselor is speaking with Felix and Locus.

Felix: What is he, a Batman villain?


Counselor: His physical appearance, combined with a deep-seated sense of contrarianism seems-

Felix: (interrupts) Oh my god, shut up. I don't care.

Locus: Can we use him?

Counselor: If we continue our sessions, absolutely.

Locus: Good.

Felix: (snorts) "Sharkface", "Locus". Whatever happened to normal fucking names? I mean, am I crazy?!

Counselor: Well...

Felix: (stands up, pointing to the Counselor) Don't psychoanalyze me.

The lights suddenly go out. All three look around.

Counselor: What was that?

A Space Pirate calls to the mercs over the radio.

Space Pirate 1: (on radio) Locus, Felix. We've got a problem.

Locus: Report.

Space Pirate 1: Our teleporters malfunctioned. They just detonated.

Felix: How many?

Space Pirate 1: Well...em...all of them.

Locus and Felix look at each other. Suddenly, a red light appears behind them. They turn to it. Cut to the war room at Armonia. Doyle, Kimball, Wash and the Reds communicating with Carolina, Epsilon, Tucker, Caboose, Sarge and Dr. Grey.


Doyle: (yelling) Emily!! Please, slow down.

Grey: Slow down?! General, the alien weapons, the vehicles, all of the artifacts we've found over the years, they weren't broken! They were just deactivated!! And Tucker's sword made them work!

Sarge: For all of two seconds.

Kimball: How is that possible?

Tucker: Well, it's kinda like a sword and a key.

Kimball: What does that even mean?


Tucker: Yeah, I was part of this "Great Prophecy" thing, because I took a sword-key from a tower and then an alien took on a quest to get a ship, but in the end it all kinda turned out to be an excuse to get me knocked up and have an alien baby.

Doyle: You've...reproduced?

Tucker: (produces a picture, showing it to the camera) Fuck yeah, Junior is awesome! Check him out and his 5th grade basketball team!

Picture shows Junior, grown-up, along with five other kids, all holding basketballs.

Tucker: (sighs) They grow up so fast.

Doyle: Well, that's the last thing I thought I'd see today. Or ever.

Tucker: Yeah, I know. Who carries around actual photographs anymore?

Washington: Alright, focus. Let's go over what we know.

Simmons: Well, whatever Tucker did caused all of our teleportation grenades to explode, fried Charon's weapons and almost got me killed. Good going asshole.

Carolina: Actually, this could be perfect.

Sarge: Well, maybe if Simmons had been replaced with Grif, and instead of "almost killed", he was...

Grif: (interrupts) Stop.

Carolina: The alien weapons may have been active for a few seconds, but Charon's hybrid tech is still inoperable.

Grey: Whatever pieces they took from the alien technology and crammed into their own, likely short-circuited the equipment when it tried to come back online.

Sarge: Which means the Space Pirates ain't got their fancy lasers no more!

Grif: Yeah, but neither do we!

Washington: That doesn't matter.

Grif: Speak for yourself! That's two badass alien weapons I've lost now!

Washington: Charon has always had the technological advantage over us. The only reason we've managed to win these last few weeks was because we have them outnumbered.

Doyle: And yet we still lose troops with every victory.

Kimball: True, but now we have them outnumbered and outgunned. Without their toys they've got nothing more than standard UNSC weaponry. It's an even playing field.

Simmons: You know, I've been working with weapons a lot lately and I'd just like to point out, that the standard UNSC weaponry can still put a fucking hole in your skull.

Doyle: We've also yet to encounter Locus or Felix since they left.

Washington: We'll deal with them, when the time comes. Right, Carolina?

Carolina: (hesitantly) Right, of course.

Church: What are you thinking, Kimball?

Kimball: Yes, we have been doing well these past few weeks, but we still can't make contact with the UNSC and we have no idea how many jammers Charon installed on Chorus. For all we know they could have some on the moon. I'm not sure how much longer these small victories will be able to keep our heads above the water, so maybe it's time we aim higher? The tractor beams at Crash Site Alpha are the only things keeping us from leaving the planet.

Doyle: Y-you can't possibly be suggesting, that-

Kimball: If we take them down, we can send a ship to bring help!

Washington: The mercs have to know that. Those towers are probably the most heavily defended targets on the planet, especially now.

Doyle: Yes, precisely!

Kimball: We lose people with every fight. You said so yourself. If we don't make a move now, while they're weak, we're going to keep losing people until there is no one left!

Tucker: Woah-woah-woah, hold up! What about the map? After that big boy turned off the tower, it showed us a map and some coordinates.

Caboose: Tucker's right. Could be buried treasure.

Sarge: Or a stockpile of alien weapons that melt your face off! Or turn you to stone. Or turn stones into people!

Carolina: They have a point. Taking Crash Site Alpha is possible, but not without heavy losses. Those coordinates could lead us to something that might save lives.

Grif: Uh, yeah. "Could"?

Church: One tower took out all of Charon's weapons. There's no telling what another one could do. I mean, hell! If it gives us a way to turn the other tower back on, we can add badass alien lasers to the armory! Why else are we in this war?!

Simmons: And I get to add another weapon category to the armory spreadsheet.

Tucker: Nerd.

Simmons: Organizing data's not nerdy, it's efficient! Come on, Church is a computer. He knows what I'm talking about.

Church: (to Tucker) Yeah, that nerd doesn't speak for me.

Grif: Hey, that reminds me. If we're here, who's running the armory?

Cut to the armory with Smith outside, apparently having waited some time.

Smith: Hmmm, the sign says "open", but noone's here. (pauses for a moment) I'll give it two more hours.

Cut back to the War Room and the Research Complex.

Kimball: We don't have time to investigate! For all we know, Charon's already working on a new batch of rifle replacements.

Tucker: "Don't have time?" We can just fly right over and check it out.

Washington: We already know Locus and Felix have scouts monitoring our activity whenever possible. If we send a ship to the middle of nowhere, they'll notice and they'll follow.

Carolina: If these coordinates lead to something, we can't afford it falling into Charon's hands. We need to send a small team on foot.

Kimball: And that will take time that we don't have.

Church: (groans) But what if Charon's already there? What if they've been sitting on this ship for years and we've just turned it on?! We gotta find out what's out there, even if it's just to make sure the mercs don't use it against us!

Doyle: I-is it possible to... divide and conquer?

Washington: Yeah, Carolina could take an away-team out to the coordinates and Kimball could lead the charge against Alpha.

Doyle: Why does Kimball get to lead the charge?

Washington: Are you volunteering?

Doyle: Well, I... heh, unfortunately we'll need someone to stay behind and guard the capital and I know this city better than anyone.

Grif: Nice bail.

Washington: Then it sounds like Kimballs' our leader.

Kimball: The Feds won't take orders from me.

Washington: They will if their lives are on the line. I've been training them. Both sides have come a long way and we'll need all hands on deck if we wanna pull this off.

Sarge: Well, then you can count me and my boys in!

Grif: Ooooohh, ah we need to work at the armory actually.

Simmons: Shshshsh, yeah, really sorry, guys. I wish we could help.

Lopez: Agradable fianza. [Nice bail.]

Donut: Well, if you really wanna go, Lopez and I can handle the armory.

Sarge: Excellent suggestion, Donut. Simmons, looks like you're gonna get to see your fearless Colonel on the battlefield after all. (chuckles) I wish I could look through your eyes, and see me...

Simmons: (unenthusiastically) Yaaaaaay...

Grif: (to Donut) I'm gonna kill you in your sleep.

Church: Right. Then the rest of us can act as the "away" team. Tucker brings the sword, Grey brings the brains,-

Caboose: And I bring the comic relief.

Church: I was gonna say "the rifle with auto-targeting software".

Caboose presses the trigger, once again releasing confetti and making a party sound.

Carolina: We'll hop on the next Pelican to Armonia and prep to head out.

Church: And if we play this right, the mercs won't even know what hit'em.

Cut to Locus and Felix in the Tractor Beam Tower, looking at something. A female Space Pirate holding a Battle Rifle walks up behind them.

Space Pirate 2: We had the scientists check everything. Binary rifles, suppressors, they're all dead. Even the ones on the ship.

Locus: Then send them up here. We have another job for them.

Space Pirate 2: You got it, boss! (walks out)

Space Pirate 1: (on radio) Sir, we just received a communications request from Control. What should I tell him?

Cut to reveal of what the mercs are looking at: a red holographic map identical to the one the Blues found.

Felix: Tell him we'll call right back.



  • Junior makes a quick cameo in a photo Tucker keeps of him on a fifth-grade basketball team.
  • Kimball reveals that Chorus has a moon when she fears Charon might've radio jammers on it.
  • The episode's title is a reference to the popular quote said in the 1964 film Dr. Strangelove.
    • There is also a checkpoint in the Halo 3 level "Crow's Nest" with the same name.
  • The Insurrectionist Flame Soldier refers to himself as Sharkface.
  • Felix asking if Sharkface is a Batman villain is a possible reference to Batman villains, often disfigured criminals, who name themselves after animals, such as The Penguin or Killer Croc, or end their name with "face", such as Two-Face and Clayface. Sharkface is a combination of both of these.
  • The scene of Smith waiting at the empty armory is a nod to a gag from the film Airplane!, where California politician Howard Jarvis is left in a taxi with a meter running for the entire film when the protagonist, his driver, runs off.


No Fighting in the War Room - Episode 5 - Red vs

No Fighting in the War Room - Episode 5 - Red vs. Blue Season 13

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