|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Lopez's Technical Guide to Empathy"|
|Airdate|| February 4, 2018 (RTX Sydney)|
March 1, 2018 (FIRST members)
March 8, 2018
|Running time|| 4:15 (RTX Sydney)|
What does it mean to empathize? Join Red Team's resident robot in learning about the inner workings of the mind, feelings, and social interactions! Some assembly required.
Fade in to a canyon as Lopez appears.
Lopez: Saludos espectador. Estoy encantado de presentarles mi primer anuncio de servicio público. Empatía [Greetings viewer. I am delighted to present to you my first PSA. Empathy]
Soon a screen of a small circle saying human captivity for learning and a big circle saying human ignorance appear next to Lopez. The screen zooms in the middle of the two circles showing a drawn figure with a line pointing to it saying you, but less stupid.
Lopez: Hoy se pondrá a prueba su ignorancia humana y su cautiverio para aprender- Probablemente por primera vez! [Today your human ignorance and captivity for learning will be tested- Probably for the first time!]
Soon the screen goes black as the words making plans appear.
Lopez: Al organizar los planes, sea considerado. [When arranging plans, be considerate.]
Cuts to Lopez looking at a water park.
Lopez: Ustedes nos construyeron seriamente un parque acuático? Puedo sentir que me estoy oxidando..[Did you guys seriously build us a water park? I can feel myself rusting..]
Cuts to the back of Lopez as it zooms into the screen.
Sarge: Hope you can swim, sourpuss!
Lopez turns around.
Lopez: Qué? [What?]
Cuts back to the cannon.
Lopez: Considera: todos disfrutarán de esta actividad?
[Consider: will everybody enjoy this activity?]
Cuts back to the water park.
Sarge: I see my hope was misplaced.
Grif: He uh- wow, he just keeps sinking, huh.
Sarge: We build it Olympic length! Vertically!
Grif: Why would you do that?
Sarge: Because unlike you, I don't half-ass things. And with so much ass to give, Lord knows why.
Cuts back to the cannon.
Lopez: Del mismo modo, las actividades para una sola persona son desalentadas. [Similarly, activities for one person only are discouraged.]
Cuts to Lopez crouching by a bomb as Sarge is watching him.
Sarge: Okay Lopez, remove the pressure plate and clip the blue wire!
Lopez: Por qué soy el único entrenado? [Why am I the only one being trained?]
Sarge: Si, blue. Very bueno. ha ha
Sarge turns to Grif and Simmons.
Sarge: Now men, for the sake of this drill, I had Lopez here construct a dummy bomb.
Suddenly a clock ringing is heard.
Lopez: Ratas [Rats.]
Sarge: And for the sake of realism, I switched it out at the last second.
The bomb explodes.
Sarge: Kablooey! Heh heh oooh... yeah he's dead.
Cuts to a black screen as the word offense appears.
Lopez: Las personas tienen puntos débiles. [People have weak points.]
Lopez next to a stick figure
Lopez: Fisicamente, en un ser humano, están aqui: [Physically, in a human, they're here:]
A red circle with the caption "Here" surrounds the stick figure
Back to the cannon.
Lopez: Socialmente, los puntos doloridos son tan numerosos. Sea consciente de como sus palabras afectan. [Socially, sore spots are just as numerous. Be aware of how your words affect others.]
Lopez in a field, Tucker appears.
Tucker: Lopez, I was thinking, and I don't know how to ask it, or if I even should ask it... [*clears throat*] Do you have a dick?
Lopez next to Caboose.
Caboose: So, do you have a self-destruct button? [finds something in his body] Is it that? [presses, a dial sound is heard]
Lopez and Sarge atop Red Base
Cuts to a car building machine
Sarge: Where's the damn USB end? I need to charge my Zune! DO you seriously not even have one [grumbles] Wait a minute... wait a minute! Is this is a floppy drive? Laserdisc?! Hahaha! Are you a 1980s television, sir?
Caboose is touching all over Lopez's body, dial sounds still heard
Caboose: How-do-I-hack-in-to-you? How-do-I-hack-you? How-do-I-hack-in-to-
Sarge is again next to Lopez.
Sarge: You know, when my old TV would stall, I'd hit it, and start working! The harder you'd hit it, the harder it'd work!
Sarge punches Lopez, who flies away.
Sarge: Nope, still lazy.
Tucker in front of Lopez.
Tucker: Oh God, it's the only part of you that's human, isn't it? [crouches to check] Oh, sick, I bet the skin is riveted on like RoboCop's face.
Cuts to a black screen as the word awareness appears.
Lopez: La conciencia es la verdadera esencia de la empatía. [Awareness is the very essence of empathy.]
Cuts to Sarge and Grif.
Lopez: Por ejemplo, los humanos piensan: [For example, humans think:]
Lopez: Cuando la razón es, por supuesto: [When the reason is, of course:]
Cuts to a car building machine
Lopez: "Para eventualmente ser reemplazado por robots". ["To eventually be replaced by robots."]
Cuts to a black screen as the words self-improvement appear.
Lopez: Siempre trata de ponerte a prueba. [Always seek to test yourself.]
Cuts to the cannon.
Lopez: Por ejemplo, tomo Turing Tests, que mide si paso por humano. Estos se han vuelto progresivamente más fáciles con el tiempo. No por la inteligencia del robot, sino por la creciente estupidez humana. [For example, I take Turing Tests, which measures whether I pass for human. These have become progressively easier over time. Not because of robot intelligence, but because of increasing human stupidity.]
Cuts to a computer where Sarge is on a computer typing what's your favorite color, maggot. Another user responds saying blu.
Sarge: Strike one. And now the coup de grâce.
Sarge types in Are you a robot? and the other user responds by saying no!!
Sarge: Ha! Just what a robot would say.
Cuts to Sarge walking towards Lopez.
Sarge: Sorry Lopez, your AI failed that Turing test. I sniffed him out strait away!
Lopez: Ya veo. [I see.]
Caboose then walks to Lopez and Sarge.
Caboose: Hey guys! Lopez, your computer.. sorry, kind of dumb. Everyone knows that robots talk only in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.
Sarge: Aw nuts...
Cuts to a black screen with the word empathy appearing.
Lopez: Sin empatía, nos condenamos unos a otros a sufrir en silencio. Como los únicos hablantes de un idioma muerto. Con un módulo de voz descompuesto tardaría un día en arreglarse, en la parte superior. [Without empathy, we doom each other to suffer in silence. Like the sole speakers of a dead language. With a broken voice module it would take a day to fix, tops.]
The screen zooms in on Lopez but turns on Grif.
Lopez: Un módulo de voz que podría reparar yo mismo, pero conocer el frío de la indifferencia de mis equipos, encontrar tanta frialdad incluso a medio camino sería cruzar la mitad de un océano. Y saber que entre ellos hay un hombre que habla español con fluidez? La ironia. [A voice module I could repair myself, but knowing the chill of my teams's indifference, meeting such coldness even half way would be to cross half of an ocean. And to know that among them is a man fluent in Spanish? The Irony.]
Lopez and Grif stare at each other silently, Lopez silently judging Grif.
Grif: Did you say all of that just to pressure me into speaking more Spanish, you passive-aggressive asshole?
Lopez: Sí. [Yes.]
Grif: This is why nobody would talk to you anyway. Even if they could speak more than one language.
Grif walks away as Caboose appears.
Caboose: Ha. I can speak more than one language at once!
Caboose starts screaming garbled.
Lopez: Suspiro pesado. [sighs heavily in Spanish.]
- This is the first PSA to be hosted by Lopez, rather than him simply making an appearance.
- This PSA references the fact that Grif learned to speak Spanish while in self-exile.
- The water park is the same one seen in Previously On.
- The version of this episode that aired online is different from the one that aired at RTX Sydney 2018, specifically the addition of the "Offense" portion of the episode and the inclusion of Tucker.