|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| February 8, 2020 (FIRST)|
February 9, 2020 (Public)
Grif and Simmons instruct you on how to keep your Reds and Blues vibrant and clean!
Grif: Hi, I'm Dexter Grif, from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
Simmons: And I'm Dick Simmons from the same show. Today we're going to talk to you about an important topic; How to properly wash and dry your clothes.
Grif: Normally I wouldn't care for any of this, but sometimes the only way to tell us apart is by sheer color alone.
Simmons: Keeping your clothes vibrant and clean is a great way to establish your individualism, especially if you and all your friends have identical bodies.
Grif: It's almost as if some "higher power" forces us to be the exact same height and shape. But that's crazy, right?
(As Grif is saying this, to the right of him a video is playing of the Halo 5 character customization screen changing the character from Simmons' color scheme to Grif's. After Grif is finished speaking, the video disappears and Sarge approaches the duo, however is armor is a darker shade of Red than normal and closely resembles Simmons color, making them near distinguishable.)
Sarge: Looking mighty... "Vermillion" there today Simmons.
(A color square of Vermillion with it's name labeled appears below Sarge)
Simmons: Thank you sir, but technically I'm "Brick."
(A similar thing happens with Brick below Simmons)
Grif: This is a perfect example of needing color correction. If you are even just slightly colorblind, you wouldn't be able to tell these two apart.
(Sister approaches the trio)
Sister: (looking at Sarge) Whaddup Simmons?
Sarge: (offended gasp) How dare!
Simmons: Uh Sister, I'm over here.
Sister: (looking at Simmons) Hey Lopez.
(As she said this, Lopez was walking past. He stops to speak briefly before leaving)
Lopez: (In Spanish) I want no part of this.
(Cut to Grif and Simmons in the laundry)
Simmons: It's important to make sure you use the right cleaning solution for your clothing. Different stains, dirt and grime will require different treatments.
Grif: It's also completely okay to just throw your stuff in the washroom with a bit of soap. Just make sure to use the right amount, otherwise you'll end up flooding your entire laundry room.
Simmons: We lost Caboose for three days.
(Cut to Caboose in the base, completed surrounded by pink bubbles)
(Cut to an outward shot of the base, with the bubbles flooding up into the sky through the roof)
Caboose: I have cleaned... everything.
(Cut back to Grif and Simmons)
Simmons: Be sure to separate your clothing before washing. Different types of clothes require different methods of cleaning.
Grif: You definitely don't wanna do something stupid, like using bleach on your colored clothes.
(Sarge approaches the duo, his armor bright pink similarly to Donut)
Sarge: (somewhat monotonously) Oh no, I have used bleach on my colored clothes.
Simmons: No Grif, look: it's Sarge.
Sarge: I made a mistake, I swear!
Grif: Ha! Pink looks good on you Sarge. Real macho.
Sarge: It-No! It-It's lightish red! Lightish red I tell ya!
Simmons: That's okay Sarge. Pink is super in-fashion with men right now, things that are traditionally seen as sensitive or feminine are accepted everywhere and it's okay to feel comfortable in whatever color you like.
Sarge: Well gosh Simmons I uh.. I'm uuuhh.. abhorred by the very thought! Every fiber of my being is lit ablaze! By the need to establish my masculinity... toxically! I'm going outside to fight a bear, eat a brick and re-dye my armor red in the blood of my enemies! Because.. I.. am .. a.. MAAAANNNNN!! BATTLE CRY!
(Sarge loads his shotgun and runs outside. Distant gunfire and bear growling can be heard)
(Cut to Grif and Simmons back outside)
Grif: In order to get the grease and food-stains out of your good clothes, you might have to slip into some old, shitty clothes while you wash.
Simmons: There's absolutely no shame in looking like you rolled out of a garbage can just so you can look like a million bucks later on.
Caboose: (offscreen) Hello.
(Pan to Caboose, whose Halo: Combat Evolved model is being used instead of his Halo 5 one.)
Grif: Huh, holy shit. I thought we got rid of that armor years ago.
Simmons: Did you really have nothing else to wear Caboose?
Caboose: Oh no, yeah, the rest of my stuff got lost in the laundry foam, it's kinda hard to see in there.
Grif: Oh. Well that's totally understandable. Don't ever feel bad for wearing old stuff.
Simmons: Yeah, it's okay, it happens buddy. You'll find your stuff eventually.
Caboose: Oh, thanks guys. I'm gonna go see if the foam is died down a little. (Leaves)
Simmons: ...Oh god, he looks so bad!
Grif: I know, right!? I was "this" close to vomiting.
Simmons: If I ever walk outside dressed like that, please shoot me.
(Cut to Grif and Simmons back to standing on top of the base)
Simmons: When you're done washing your clothes, it'll be time to dry them.
Grif: Make sure you wash and dry your clothes at proper temperatures, otherwise they might change size. Nothing's worse than having your super-comfy, super-baggy pair of pants ride right up your ass after a wash.
Doc: (Offscreen) Guys! (pained panting) It's... really...
(Doc's armor is super squished, making him look contorted)
Doc: -really... hard to breathe right now. I can feel my blood flow... slowing... down.
Simmons: Hmm... I'm gonna guess you didn't read the wash tag on your armor.
Grif: It clearly says to wash cold and hang dry, Doc.
Doc: Well how else do I sanitize my clothes?
Simmons: (sigh) Come on Doc. Let's get you some new clothes.
Doc: (Pained groaning) I'd very much like that, yes.
(As Doc starts to walk away, a ripping sound is heard and Doc's armor loosens back up)
Grif: Doc, did you, uh... rip your pants?
Doc: (sigh of relief) I'm not sure... but I can feel my feet again. And a nice breeze.
(Grif and Simmons look at each other. Cut to them standing out in the canyon)
Simmons: After you're done washing and drying your clothes, it's time to fold and organize. Making sure you keep everything nice and neat is the perfect way to easily access your clothes later on.
Grif: You can even hang stuff up if you don't wanna fold. It's the easy way out! But be sure to keep your clean and dirty clothes separate, otherwise you might get them mixed up. Especially if you get dressed in the dark and put on the wrong armor. (Looks at Simmons) Right Simmons...?
(Cut to Simmons in the dark in the bases changing room. Simmons outline can barely be seen.)
Simmons: Augh... I don't remember this being so loose! My arms feel like they're covered in, lube, or grease... (disgusting armor slopping noises) Ugh... why is this wet? Why is that sticky? What the hell is.. (sniffing) Ugh... Oh... god, what the hell is that smell?!
Sarge: (Distant) Lopez! Have you seen where I put that-
(Sarge opens the door, letting in the light and revealing Simmons in Grif's armor)
Sarge: Grif! Where have you been?
Simmons: Wait! No Sarge, this is a misunderstanding! I'm Simmons!
Sarge: Don't, give me that crap, Grif! I'd recognize your fat, lazy orange ass anywhere!
Simmons: Seriously Sarge, I'm just in the wrong armor!
Sarge: Ha! Don't think you're getting out of base chores! I'm gonna drag yer ass outta here, and beat the livin' insubordination outta ya!
(Simmons crouches down as Sarge charges at him)
Simmons: Sarge! No, wait! Aie!!
(Cut to Simmons and Grif standing outside, however both are in blue Mark V armor identical to Caboose)
Grif: When you run out of clean clothes, you might have to wear the same dirty clothes for days, or, you might find old clothes you haven't worn in a while, or, you might find some random things lying around, like this blue armor we found.
Simmons: This is usually a telltale sign you need to do laundry, and with the tips we've given you, you'll be on your way to being fresh and clean and feeling good.
(Sarge appears, also wearing identical armor to Caboose)
Sarge: I don't know what's worse... That I made all my red armor lightish-red, or that I have to wear this dirty, yet extremely clean and fresh, blue armor.
(Sister appears, also wearing Caboose's armor)
Sister: Uh... hey guys, I can't really tell what color this armor is.
(Doc appears again, wearing Caboose's armor)
Doc: I've found something that doesn't suffocate me!
(Caboose approaches the group, still in his Halo CE model)
Caboose: Oh-my-god, it's a bunch of me! The vitamins...! THEY'RE WORKING! (screaming)
Grif: (turning back to the camera) On the real though, do yourself a favor, and everyone around you, and wash your clothes regularly.
(Screen fades to black)
Sarge: Don't forget to use bleach!
Caboose: And a lot of laundry detergent.
- This is the first time Sister's colorblindness has been referenced since The End is Near.