|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||July 30, 2012|
The RvB Science Team discusses the Higgs Boson. Watch now and learn absolutely nothing about the thing that created absolutely everything.
Simmons: Why, hello there! I'm Private Dick Simmons from the popular web series, Red vs. Blue.
Grif: And I'm Private Grif, from the same show.
Simmons: Today we'll be discussing what might be one of the greatest scientific discoveries of our generation! I'm of course speaking of the Higgs Boson, a topic that's made quite a splash in the scientific community.
Grif: Nerds haven't been this sweaty and excited since the announcement of The Phantom Menace.
Simmons: Now, for those of you who aren't up to date on your theoretical physics--
Simmons: We've put together this little demonstration of subatomic particles. Take it away Sarge!
Sarge: Shut Up, Simmons. Assisting us today is our good friend, and enemy, Private Caboose.
Caboose: I concur, Dr. Sergeant.
Sarge: Now, seeing as he's a few kolaches shy of a baker's dozen, our friend, Caboose, here is going to represent a particle without mass.
Caboose: Yes, well, the Higgs Bison is one of the friendliest species of water buffalo--
Sarge: Shut it, moron.
Grif: Yeah. Higgs Bison is the guy from Street Fighter, idiot.
Sarge: And Private Grif is going to represent our particle with mass.
Grif: Because I'm so smart?
Sarge: Because you're so fat.
Grif: Hey! It's not my fault I'm a little overweight!
Simmons: I don't think anyone forced you to eat that entire wedding cake.
Grif: Well they shouldn't have made it a two-hour ceremony.
Sarge: Hey, Muffin Top, shut your cake hole and get over here.
Sarge: For years, scientists have contemplated why some particles run around at light speed with no mass, while others sit around all day with loads of the stuff.
Caboose: If I have light speed, does that mean Grif has heavy speed?
Grif: Stop it.
Simmons: Although the Higgs Field is just a theory, scientists recently conducted an experiment that they believe just might prove it's existence!
Grif: How'd they do that?
Sarge: The way any modern scientist would, by blasting apart subatomic particles with a giant collision machine! It's violent and it's science, and thus it gets the Sarge seal of approval.
Simmons: Allow us to demonstrate.
Behind Simmons, Sarge takes out a Spartan Laser.
Grif: Wait, how are you gonna demonstr--
Grif is struck by the beam of a laser and collapses, his armor smoking.
Sarge: Remember kids, real scientists would never rely on the results of just one experiment.
Sarge fires the laser at Grif again.
Sarge: You've got to account for variables.
Sarge lasers Grif twice more, ignoring his screams of pain, before throwing a grenade at him.
Simmons: What was the grenade for?
Sarge: Simmons, there's no rule that says science can't be fun. Now, how 'bout those test results?
Simmons: Looks like an awful lot of science down there, sir!
Sarge: Hoppin' hypotheses! Now we're one step closer to solving the mysteries of the universe!
Caboose: Yep. The universe sure is mysterious.
Simmons: And that's why Science is here to sort it all out!
Caboose: Yeah, sometimes I wonder if there's things we'll never explain. You know, like, you know, what if we did answer all the questions? You know, would we live on, like forever, happy with our triumph over ignorance? Or is ignorance just a common enemy that once destroyed, would leave our species without a reason to carry on? I guess it doesn't matter what the answer is...because even if supreme knowledge did bring about the end of our species, the thought of obtaining it is just what would keep us together. You know? People will always look up at the sky...and just wonder why we're here. WATER BISON POWERS, ACTIVATE!
Caboose runs across the map at light speed.
Sarge: I think that might be enough science for today.
Simmons: Yeah, I'm gonna go rot my brains with beer and video games.
Sarge: Yeah, sounds like a plan.
Fades to black
Grif: Could you guys bring me back something to eat? Ugggghhhhh....Preferably something with quesooooo-ho-ho-hohhh.
- The drawings of Caboose and Grif while Sarge was explaining what scientists contemplated were done by Jordan Cwierz.