Red vs. Blue Episode
"Hey, Time Out"
Episode no. N/A
Airdate Unknown
Running time 5:29

Red vs. Blue Season 1
April 1, 2003 - September 28, 2003

  1. Why Are We Here?
  2. Red Gets a Delivery
  3. The Rookies
  4. Head Noob in Charge
  5. The Package is in the Open
  6. 1.21 Giga-Whats??
  7. Check Out the Treads on That Tank
  8. Don't Ph34r the Reaper
  9. After Church
  10. A Shadow of His Former Self
  11. Knock, knock. Who's there? Pain.
  12. Down, but not Out
  13. Human Peer Bonding
  14. Roomier Than it Looks
  15. How the Other Half Lives
  16. A Slightly Crueler Cruller
  17. Points of Origin
  18. SPF 0
  19. Last One Out, Hit the Lights

Hey, Time Out is a Red vs. Blue PSA regarding the Microsoft PDC.


Red TeamEdit

Blue TeamEdit


As the Reds and Blues battle in front of the Red base, Simmons declares his need to leave. Following teasing from Grif and Donut, Simmons reveals his specific reason: to attend the Microsoft Professional Developers Conference back on Earth. As Grif demands an incredulous Donut cease fire, the Blues overhear mention of the corporation, and in turn stop shooting to approach the Reds. While Donut wonders how a single company can briefly stop a war, Sarge arrives to demand why the battle has stopped. He then reveals that he used to write speeches for Steve Ballmer, including the one Ballmer used at the last Conference, in which he chanted "Developers, developers, developers" multiple times. Due to a conflict over the exact number of times in which the word should have been repeated, Sarge was demoted to serve in Blood Gulch.


The Reds and Blues are shooting at each other

Simmons: Hey, guys!

Grif: What?!

Simmons: Uh, this may be a bad time to bring this up...

Grif: Bring what up?

Donut: Yeah, what're you gonna do, confess your love for us?

Grif: Huh ha ha ha, CRAP!

Shooting momentarily stops

Church: Yeah, almost got you that time, chump!

Grif: Suck it, Blue!

Caboose: No... uh... you suck it blue?

Church: Hey dude, you really need to work on your comeback.

The two teams momentarily stop firing. They then continue.

Simmons: Uhm, I need to leave.

Grif: Huyeah, I need to go too. War's hell, I need to go home. 

Simmons: No no no, seriously, I need to go to a conference, back on Earth. 

Donut: Say what? 

Grif: A conference.? I don't think so, Nancy. Maybe you didn't notice, but we're in the middle of a war here. What kinda conference is gonna get you outta that?

Simmons: It's the Microsoft PDC. 

Grif: (stops shooting) Donut, cease fire. We gotta get Simmons outta here. 

Simmons: I really have to go, they only hold these things once every few years. 

Donut: (stops firing) What're you talking about? You think the Blues are gonna stop fighting just 'cause Microsoft says so?

The Blues stop firing. Cut to Caboose and Church standing from behind a tree.

Church: What was that? 

Caboose: I think they said something about Microsoft. 

Church: (yelling) Hey Reds, we're coming out. 

Donut: What the hell is going on here?

Church and Caboose run up to the Reds

Simmons: Sorry guys, sorry, sorry. I uh, I really thought we'd be done fighting before I had to catch the transport outta here. 

Church: Ah nah, it's cool, we understand. We were almost outta ammo anyway. 

Donut: Son of a bitch, I knew it! This sucks. How can a software company, stop a war? 

Grif: It's called priorities, Donut. 

Donut: Can't anyone do anything about this?

Church and Grif look at each other and then back at Donut. They begin laughing at him. Cut to Sarge standing nearby.

Sarge: Hey you maggots! I don't hear any killing out here! We don't pay you powderpuffs to stand around jawin', we pay you to shoot at each other! 

Grif: Uh, we had to call a time-out, sir. 

Sarge: A time-out? What is this, freeze tag? 

Simmons: Sir. It's my fault, sir. I have to leave for the Microsoft PDC. They recruited me for something called the Longhorn Squad. I'm going to be a Corporal of managed code in the Indigo Battalion. 

Sarge: Longhorn...? Managed code...? INDIGO...? Well son of a... Why didn't you say so? You know, I used to fight for the Microsoft forces back in my youth. 

Simmons: No kidding. 

Sarge: No kidding. I was a Lieutenant back during the Browser Wars. 

Church: Okay, that is just ridiculous. 

Sarge: In fact, I was mister Steve Balmer's personal speech writer. I wrote his keynote for the last developers' conference.

Screen fades to Steve Balmer yelling "Developers" at his conference. Fade back to Sarge

Sarge: Get up, get up! Developers! Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday. We got in to creative differences over the speech. I wrote it so that he said 'developers' thirty-seven times, but he only wanted to say 'developers' thirty-five times. I told him it just didn't make any sense without those last two developers! That was the hook! 

Church: I'm not buying any of this. 

Sarge: Believe it, fritter. I was on the fast-track until that day, and everything fell apart for me after that. Balmer had me demoted, and shipped out here to this damn canyon. 

Grif: Where do you think you'd be if you never wrote that speech, Sarge? 

Sarge: Word has it that I was next in line to become one of them little office assistant thingies. But I try not to spend my time thinking about 'what if'...

Cut to a miscellaneous computer screen, editing a memo in Microsoft Word. The computer makes a noise, and Sarge's head pops up like that stupid annoying paper clip does.

Sarge: Where do you want to go today, dirtbag?

Back to the Gulch.

Sarge: Where's the conference this year? 

Simmons: It's in L.A. 

Church: Sweet! Keep your helmet on though. You're gonna want the oxygen. 

Sarge: Ah, Loes Angle-ees ain't that bad. 

Church: Ah, California just hasn't been the same since they banned all forms of carbohydrates. 

Simmons: At least it'll be in October, so you know, I'll get to enjoy the cool weather, the changing of the leaves... 

Sarge: Leaves...? 

Church: Weather...? 

Caboose: October? 

Sarge: (exhales) Simmons, you're like an illegitimate son to me. 

Grif: Oh boy, here we go. 

Sarge: I want you to go to the PDC, and I want you to do what I couldn't do. 

Simmons: You want me to get a Microsoft executive to say 'developers' thirty-five times? 

Sarge: No, I want you to get him to say it thirty-seven times! And then I want you to collect a bunch of free giveaway crap, like pens and mousepads, and those little squish-ball things. I love those little ball things. I had one once. Can't remember where I got it. It hardly seems important at this stage. ...I sure do like foofy things.


The PDC PSA - Red vs

The PDC PSA - Red vs. Blue Season 1

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