|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| May 13, 2018 (FIRST members)|
May 20, 2018
Headshots is the fifth episode of Red vs. Blue: The Shisno Paradox. It aired on May 13, 2018 for FIRST members and May 20, 2018 for the general public. It is the 329th episode overall.
- Temple (mentioned Only)
- Atlus Arcadium Rex
- Several unnamed gods and goddesses
- Fates (mentioned only)
The scene opens on an unfamiliar Red Base on rocky, brown terrain, framed by two pine trees in the foreground and backed by snow-covered mountains and blue sky.
SIMMONS: Simmons’ Science Log, entry 96. Myself and Subject Red have returned to the near-present from our extended recruitment campaign in Earth's past. Despite the setbacks I’ve noted in previous logs, Subject Red appears satisfied with his efforts.
SARGE: I am satisfied with my efforts! Red Team is now the greatest fighting force the universe has ever seen! Private John, Private George, Private Alex! [The camera jumps to each of three Red soldiers, all in the same shade of red armor with different helmets.] You men represent the cream of the crop! The very best of the very best!
Private Alex begins to cough violently, and collapses to the ground.
SARGE: Simmons! Help Private Alex to his feet!
JOHN: Well, pardon me, space pilgrim. If you're gonna be millin’ about makin’ chitchat, I'd love to pop this here bucket off my head. Uh huh.
SARGE: Negatory! I didn't equip you with the latest and greatest space Marine armor for nothin’!
GEORGE: To be prepared for war is one of the best methods for preserving peace. But if war must be fought, let us bring destruction unto these Redcoats!
SARGE: No, George! We are the Redcoats! We’re fightin’ the Bluecoats! Which brings me to my point! It's time for our first mission!
SIMMONS: Back to the Battle of Broken Ridge?
SARGE: Not yet, Simmons. I have other plans in mind. Men, listen up. Recently, in our future, Red Team fought a great battle against a nearly-identical Red Team. In the course of this confusing crusade, one member of Red Team was seduced and tricked into joining the enemy. One of us Reds betrayed his longtime friends and allies--
SIMMONS: One of us? You mean--
SARGE: One of us was obviously so traumatized by his mistake, he began thinking in the third person! We are going to save our comrade by pre-emptively striking our enemy. That's right, men. We are gonna travel in time and kill Temple!
JOHN: Well now you just hold on there for one second, boy howdy. I sure played my fair share of the law. I ain’t never done none law-keepin’ my own self.
SARGE: I'm not gonna teach the men who taught me how to be a man how to be a man, Private John! You're just gonna have to roll with it.
JOHN: Roll with it. All right, then.
SARGE: No more talk, Simmons! Open up... the Donut Hole.
SIMMONS: Okay, about that, Sarge. Donut did tell us that his hole could only fit two grown men at once. Aren’t you worried about capacity?
SARGE: Only our capacity for victory! Can I get a hoo-rah!
JOHN and GEORGE: Hoo-rah.
ALEX: [Sickly coughing]
SARGE: Private Alex! What have I told you about stepping on my dramatic moments?
The Reds emerge from the Donut Hole atop a base in Desert Gulch, with Sarge in the lead. The Reds and Blues’ theme from season 15 plays.
SARGE: Here we are, men. Desert Gulch.
The camera gives us a wide shot of the canyon, revealing the Reds and Blues face to face with the Reds and Blues in the center.
SARGE: We’re deep in enemy territory now.
SIMMONS: Look, there they are. There we are!
SARGE: Men! Observe our enemy! [Camera lands on the Reds and Blues.] On the right! [Camera pans to the right to show the Blues and Reds.] In the middle! That's their leader, Temple.
JOHN: Takin’ out the chief. Smart move! Make ‘em fall back and choose a new one.
SIMMONS: Sarge, something about this isn’t right. We’ve gone too far into the future, or not far enough into the past. We’re supposed to get here before we got here--before the other us-es showed up and met the evil us-es? We should definitely fall back and try again.
GEORGE: There is no shame in retreating from a superior force.
SARGE: There’s no superior force! It’s just us! And the evil us-es! Stick to the plan. Take out Temple.
GEORGE: If we are to push forth, I propose a stratagem. We carry ourselves silently along the base of these palisades. We will have the element of surprise until we are nearly upon them.
SARGE: Yes. Yes! That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Do what he said and I was already thinking!
GEORGE: One issue. The group on the left will be within the arc of our musket shot.
SARGE: It's worth the risk.
SIMMONS: Oh, hell no! That's us, Sarge! He's saying we might shoot us!
SARGE: We know what we signed up for, Simmons!
SIMMONS: I did not sign up to have my past self killed by time-traveling historical figures. If we kill ourselves in the past, we die now! Don't we?
JOHN: We could get a lot closer if we had some manner of distraction to cover our final approach. A calvary charge would do the trick nicely.
SIMMONS: No horses, but... I see a Mongoose down there.
JOHN: Who in the Sam Hill can ride a mongoose?
SARGE: Private Alex! Please tell me you know how to drive.
ALEX: [Coughing and speaking Macedonian.]
SARGE: What's he sayin’, Simmons? That a yay or a nay?
SIMMONS: It's ancient Macedonian, Sarge. They didn't offer that in my high school.
Alex continues coughing violently, and collapses on the upper floor of the base.
SARGE: Simmons, grab Private Alex. And some duct tape. We’re making ourselves a distraction.
Camera cuts to the Blues and Reds mid-canyon.
TEMPLE: Ha ha ha, no! We’re not just dressing like you. We’re like you! [Vehicle noises.] Uh... what's that?
Alex zooms through the middle of the group on the Mongoose, coughing.
JAX: Uh, excuse me, what the hell was that?
SARGE: [From behind Temple.] Hey, Temple. Sayonara, dirtbag! [Shoots Temple in the head.] We did it! Woo-hoo!
SURGE: Oh god! He killed him! Run!
BUCKEY: Run for your life!
SARGE: [Does a victory dance.] But-dut-dut-dut-dut-doo-doo. But-dut-dut-dut-dut-doo-doo. Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doo-doo! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doo-doo!
JAX: God damn it! Cut! [Bell sounds.]
CREW: That's a wrap. Where's my Best Boy? [Unintelligible chatter.] Hair and makeup, hair and makeup.
JAX: What the hell was that, who the hell are you, and what the FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY ACTOR?!
SARGE: Actor? ...Simmons?
SIMMONS: I have no idea, Sarge.
JAX: Sarge? Sarge-Sarge? Oh, no way dude! How the hell are you, man?
PRODUCER: Oh god! Man down! Somebody call the paramedics!
SARGE: Jax! Who are all these people?
JAX: It's the crew, dude! You guys shoulda told me you were stopping by. I'm happy to see you, but we’re kinda in the middle of running some takes.
PRODUCER: I don't think he's gonna make it! What are we gonna do?
JAX: What are you lookin’ at me for, Kohan? You're the producer, fucking fix it!
SIMMONS: Producer? Of...
JAX: The movie! We’re shooting the big Hollywood adaptation of our adventure last year. Duh!
SIMMONS: Last year? Sarge, I don't think we’re in the past anymore.
SARGE: Simmons, we’ve got bigger things to deal with right now. [To Jax] You're making a movie without me?!
JAX: Heh-heh-hey, I looked everywhere for you guys. Facebook, Twitter. Me and Dylan told you to keep a low profile, but y’all downright vanished.
KOHAN: I can't find his pulse!
JAX: Jesus fuck! I'm trying to catch up with my friends over here! If you are incapable of dealing with this, get the fucking AD to do it!
KOHAN: But you fired the AD.
JAX: And it looks like I was just getting warmed up. Heh-hey, why don't I give you guys a quick little tour while the help gets its shit together.
Cut to Jax showing Simmons and Sarge around a movie set.
JAX: So, here's our staging area, makeup, wardrobe, et cetera. We’re shooting most of the movie on a sound stage in Vancouver. Tax incentives. But I insisted we shoot some scenes in the places these events actually happened.
SIMMONS: Why is everyone in armor?
JAX: Well, the actors don't take off their suits because they're method acting. Also because I make them. The crew does it for solidarity. Forced solidarity. Pretty crazy all these people work for me, huh? I mean, technically they work for me, even though most of them just stand around bullshitting all day long! [Directed at two gray-armored crew members standing around talking. They quickly run off.] Over here's the crafty table. We got little carrots. Munch munch! Anyway, who are your new friends?
SARGE: Some new recruits for our secret mission.
JAX: Oooh, exciting! Anything four-quadrant with spinoff potential? I'm trying to develop ideas for what the Red vs. Blue extended universe might--.
KOHAN: Jax, quick word?
JAX: A quick fucking word! Hang tight, guys.
Jax steps away with Kohan.
SIMMONS: I think I figured out what's going on, Sarge.
SARGE: One of us murdered a thespian, Simmons! I'm sure whoever it was feels terrible about myself.
SIMMONS: Based on what Jax said, about as much time has passed here as we spent recruiting the rest of our team. We’re back in the present. Back in the now.
SARGE: Why are we in the now, Simmons? We were supposed to be in the then.
SIMMONS: I don't think the Donut Holes could hold so many grown men. I think the thing kicked us to the present.
JAX: Heh-hey, great news!
SIMMONS': The actor survived?
JAX: Nah, he's dead as shit. But honestly, you guys did me a solid. Access Hollywood just released a tape of him saying some really horrible stuff! We'll get free press from the ‘accident,’ and I get to recast the role. Win-win.
SARGE: Recast? Got anyone in mind? Like someone who takes... excellent headshots?
JAX: Oh, I don't know. All the good actors are dead. What I--.
CREW: Wardrobe question, Mr. Jones.
JAX: Fuck! On my way! This is my life. I can never finish a fucking sentence. [Walks away.]
SARGE: Simmons! Did you hear all that? Starring role! I'm a shoo-in.
SIMMONS: What about correcting the past?
SARGE: Past can wait. It's not like it's going anywhere! Here's the new plan. I'll grab a copy of the script, and casually practice some lines outside Jax's trailer with Private John. Jax will overhear, and hark! be amazed at my performance!
SIMMONS: It's foolish.
SARGE: That's right, Simmons! It's foolproofish!
Cut to Sarge lurking near Jax’s trailer.
SARGE: All right, here he comes! You ready to read?
JOHN: This ain’t my first rodeo, cowboy. I got the general idea.
SARGE: Just stick to the script, Olivier. Here we go. [Gets into position.] Us! Villains! Hah! Take a look in the mirror, you dirty so-and-sos, we all—I mean you all were drafted by the UNSC same as us, or... whatever, something, something. Line?
JOHN: Listen to me. Now you obviously adore hearing the ring of your own voice. So why don't you use it to tell me where my companions are at?
JAX: [Walking up.] Hmm! What is this?
SARGE: Heh! Well. Heh. Your Freelancer buddies are... killers!
JOHN: That's too bad. I rode a long trail to get here, and I ain’t the type to turn back empty-handed. Are you gonna speak what I need to hear? Or am I gonna have to smack that stupid grin off your face with this here Winchester?
JOHN: No more talk! [?] your hand!
JAX: Oh, bravo!
SARGE: Thank you! I was really just gettin’ warmed up there.
JAX: [To John.] Tell me, have you ever acted professionally?
JOHN: Heh heh. Son, I’ve been in over two hundred and fifty features.
JAX: Why don't we make it two hundred and fifty-one?
SARGE: Him? Ya can't!
JOHN: Sorry, space pilgrim. Sometimes, you just gotta roll with it. [Walks off after Jax.]
JAX: Okay, everybody set. Camera rolling, and action!
SIMMONS: Simmons’ Science Log, final entry. Private John has been cast as Temple in the Red vs. Blue movie. This turn of events has caused Head of Research Dick Simmons to undergo a substantial existential crisis. After all, logic has clearly fled reality, meaning is obviously imaginary, science is conclusively bullshit. This is... this is so stupid.
SARGE: Simmons... have you ever heard the phrase, ‘my own worst enemy?’
SIMMONS: I think I know where you're going with this, Sarge.
SARGE: I am my own worst enemy...’s worst nightmare! Private John, that dirty son of a gun, has stolen everything from me! And come hell or high water, I'm gonna steal it back.
SIMMONS: What about the mission? Ugh, you know what, who cares. I'm done with science, anyway.
SARGE: Science, schmience.
SIMMONS: Science, shmience indeed, sir. You know, I'm thinking of giving religion a try.
Camera puns to the heavens, and cuts to a dark starry sky, then to what appears to be a celestial palace above the clouds against an orange and blue sunset.
MUGGINS: O assembled hosts, masters, our King has commanded you all here to assemble the great Quorum of the Cosmic Powers.
BURNSTORM: If we are to discuss nominations, in the Gamma Sector, a race of bipedal dischlorians have harnessed the power of fire. They are most promising.
MUGGINS: This is in regards to another matter.
APOVOS: Ah! So the rumors are true?
MUGGINS: Yes. The Great Prophecy is unfolding.
KALI: He speaks truth. I was there when the fated Pizza Quest began.
GENKINS: Pepperoni! Eh-heh, sorry. Zoned out there for a sec. What were we talking about?
BURNSTORM: The end of the universe.
GOLFER: ‘Bout time if you ask me! Ha ha! Up top!
ATLUS: Silence! It has been many eons since the cosmic powers interfered with the affairs of humans. And now nine of this upstart apes have forged an unholy alliance.
BURNSTORM: We should’ve been warned! What have the Fates spoken of this?
ATLUS: The Fates... have not spoken for some time now. They are atop their tower in sleep as deep as death.
KALI: How were mortals able to silence Destiny and her sisters?
ATLUS: They may have had help from within.
GENKINS: Sorry! That was me… hoo hoo! I’m the traitor! Whoopsie!
ATLUS: It is not the time for your tricks and games, idiot son.
GENKINS: Well, at least I tried!
ATLUS: The Shisno have escaped into the past. Their every action wears thin the chains that bind… him. But these mortals cannot hide forever. When they come up for air, Muggins will find them, and I will destroy them.
KALI: It cannot be done. They have his protection.
ATLUS: I am King Atlus Arcadium Rex, first among the Cosmic Powers, God to the gods, slayer of titans! If I wish these Reds and Blues dead, they are dead already!
- Sarge's new 'recruits' (and their helmets) are fictionalized versions of John Wayne, George Washington, and Alexander the Great.
- Interestingly all of Sarge's recruits had the color red as part of their wardrobes before their recruitment with Sarge. Macedonians like Alexander typically wore red with their armor, George Washington wore the British red uniform as part of his early military service (hence him referring to fighting the "redcoats"), and John Wayne had worn red in some of his more famous movies like El Dorado and The Searchers.
- Jax's Red vs. Blue movie was first alluded to in one of Season 15's post-credit scenes.
- A table in Jax's film set has a Caboose plushie.
- The song Sarge starts humming and dancing in celebration is "We Like to Party", best known for the Six Flags commercials featuring Mr. Six.
- The Surge actor is Chad James doing his Boomstick voice.