|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| March 22, 2018 (FIRST)|
March 29, 2018
Tough love is the only love you losers can hope for, am I right?
Sarge believes he is hosting a PSA where he will deliver some hard truths to the viewers, but upon discovering he has an audience of the entire team, learns that the PSA is actually about his friends roasting him. Instead of being insulted, Sarge is gleeful at the opportunity to hear what his friends really think of him. The roast sees the entire team (with the exception of Simmons, who skips out after being told to by Sarge, and Tucker, for unknown reasons) listing their issues with Sarge, and Sarge accepting each with glee. That is, until Caboose shows up and admits he has no qualms with Sarge, who he in fact likes. Sarge, shocked and angered, argues that Caboose should have at least one thing to hate about him after all these years, and begins listing everything about himself he hates, essentially performing a self-roast until he breaks down crying. Caboose expresses glee at the team's successful roast, remarking he would start dancing except their animation budget cannot afford it.
Sarge: Well hello, PSA viewer. I have some bad news for you. I regret to inform you that your ignorance... has come to an end.
Flames begin to appear and a title card for Hard Truths shows up as Reveille plays.
Sarge: This is HARD TRUTHS! The unavoidable facts of life from your host, ME! The tough love, kick in the keister you're momma should've given ya. So, blow up a pew in the Church of Truthism cuz it's about to get preachy!
More flames appear.
Hard truth number one! Taste for mushrooms develops in humans at about seven years old. If you dislike mushrooms as an adult YOU'RE JUST A BIG BABY! Hard truth number two: CRABS! Crabs deserve an apology from nature, if you ask me. Fish are swimming and crabs still gotta walk everywhere? Oh time to migrate to Hawaii. Guess I'll frikkin' walk! Sideways no less! Come on! Hard truth number three: Kevin Smith movies have never ever...
All the other Reds and Blues are looking at Sarge from his "stage".
Sarge: Err... Aah.. hmm... Weirdly decent turnout. Well all I can say is, FINALLY! You people have lived acoustic versions of your lives for too damn long. Tough Love is the only love you losers can hope for. Am I right?
Caboose: Oh no! Ah, we're here for the..
Grif: [whispers] Shh! Shh! Shut up.
Sarge: Of course I'm right! Don't answer that!
Donut: Uh, Sarge? I hate to tell you this, but you're not actually getting your own PSA.
Sarge: What!? But I'm on the thumbnail.
Donut: Yeah, we kind of just needed to get you up here.
Sarge: I do not appreciate that.
Donut: We... [deep breath] [whispers to self] Be strong, Donut. We all thought we should get together... with you... and... [clears throat] Sarge, this is a Friend-tervention.
Sarge: A what now?
Donut: It's where we each come up in turn and CONSTRUCTIVELY deconstruct you. Pointing out the things you say and do...
Grif: ...and are...
Donut:... in the hopes of inspiring change.
Sarge: That's a roast.
Donut: No. A Friend-tervention.
Sarge: That's a roast. You're all gonna roast me. Ooh! That's gonna be great! I don't get no respect. Hey. Let me loosen up to get ready.
Donut: Ack. We all agreed on friend-tervention
Caboose: Not me. I voted for friendsome.
Everyone else: BLECK!
Sarge: I can't believe my friends to do this and expect me to CARE! Sticks and stones, buttercups. This ought to be good.
Donut goes to a pedestal
Donut: Okay, well I guess I'll go first. Sarge went into my phone... and change the notification tone to the PING of a grenade pin.
Sarge: Alertness is a full-time job!
Carolina is on the pedestal
Carolina: He coined the term 'active bitch face' just for me.
Sarge: And you kicked my ass. I think we're even.
Lopez is on the pedestal
Lopez: Lo que digas solo gritarás que no puedes entenderlo. [Whatever I say he'll just yell he can't understand me.]
Sarge: [yelling] I can't understand you!
Lopez: Estoy en el infierno y el es el El Diablo. [I am in Hell and he is the devil.]
Sarge: No hablo es Spanisho!
Washington is on the pedestal
Washington: He came to me with recommendations to make the series more... cool. I'll just list them. Sarge get a leather jacket, Sarge marries a stripper, Sarge falls asleep watching a horror movie and dreams a mad scientist has stolen his... 'cool.'
Wash: Sarge, these are episodes of 'Happy Days' with you as the Fonz.
Sarge: Lies and slander!
Wash: Sarge jumps a shark.
Sarge: It'd be a real turning point for us.
Simmons approaches the pedestal
Sarge: Sit down, Simmons.
Simmons walks back
Grif is on the pedestal
Grif: Ah. Ahem.
Grif: May I?
Sarge: Oh go ahead. That was a sigh of enthusiasm.
Grif: This is pointless.
Grif starts walking away, the others yell.
Carolina: Come on, Grif. We all did it.
Grif:Okay, I mean... he's the worst thing about my life.
Sarge: Oh, thank you so much, but I didn't get you anything.
Grif: I wish him specific harm. Like a thousand years of Groundhog Day, but for a looping period of 20 seconds.
Sarge: Ha! Ha! Catch-22! Any hell without you is heaven.
Grif: You know what? I give up. My eyes were bigger than my fucks on this one. [sigh] He won't change.
Sarge: AND he folds! Classic Grif.
Grif: Meh. I tried my best.
Grif is now in the audience again, right in front of Sarge
Sarge: Ha-ha! What's it like being a loser? Rhetorical question, I can see it just for watching you. It's like 300 pounds of orange.
Cut to the pedestal, where Caboose already is
Caboose [clears throat] Yes. [clears throat three more times] Hello.
Carolina: Hi, Caboose.
Caboose: Red sergeant. Sarge.Yeah, umm.He's really cool. And he [Donut comes behind Caboose] OH! Wait! Sorry, what?
Donut whispers in Caboose's ear
Caboose: Oh! Oh! Stuff I don't like. But I like Sarge! He sticks up for me, he's got a deep voice, and when there's a button he lets me push it. In conclusion, Sarge is the best!
Sarge: Caboose, I didn't expect that from you.I have to tell you...I'm so...so...so MAD! Are you serious, soldier? You can't even think of one thing?
Sarge: How many years have I known you? And you don't even know the first thing about me! I know your favorite animal, What position you sleep in, why you don't have a belly button, and I'm the mystery!?
Caboose: Uuuhhh awkward.
Sarge: You could've picked a million things you'd change about me. I chew with my mouth open. On purpose! I'm afraid of pleated pants, and I love my guns, but I don't even own them! They're all leased. I mean, heck! I've haven't known civilian life since I was a boy! Without the structure of the military life I'm nothing! Steel crutches, tank tread training wheels. There's nothing solid inside me to hold on to. Why wouldn't you guys criticize me? I'm a malformed freak! I have all your faults and more, but I ridicule them and you and tolerate them in myself! I HATE MUSHROOMS! [Sobbing] Oh god, I hate mushrooms. [Sobbing]
Caboose: YES! WE DID IT! YES! FINALLY! NO ONE BELIEVED IN US! BUT WE DID!
Fades to black
Caboose: I'd dance right now, but our animation budget can't afford it!
- According to Sarge, Caboose doesn't have a belly button, but since PSAs are non-canon this may not be true in the actual show.
- This was the first PSA written by Jason Weight, even if it was the second to last to actually air.