|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Get a Job"|
|Airdate||May 26, 2014|
- Republic soldier
Grif and Simmons give you the down-low on how to survive in today's job market. Although they state most people are hiring now, Simmons and Grif come to the conclusion that defining how to obtain a job today is impossible and it's best to simply create your own job or business. At the end of the PSA, it shows the episode was funded by "Lawyerbot & Bernstein" company.
Fade in to Grif and Simmons standing next to one another.
Simmons: Hi, I'm Dick Simmons from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue.
Grif: And I'm Dexter Grif. We're here today to talk to you about an important issue that's affecting America's youth.
Simmons: The current job market has become oversaturated with eager, young college graduates that are hoping to begin a career of a life time.
Grif: Which, of course, is a total pipe dream.
Simmons: I hate to break it to you kids, but most of the best jobs are taken by robots and older people who refuse to die. Isn't that right, Lawyerbot?
Cut to a rebel soldier standing in front of a large, square robot with a tie, a name tag, and its name engraved to the side of it's body.
Lawyerbot 9000: (in robotic voice) OBJECTION!
Rebel Soldier: (scared) I-I don't know how I feel a-about my state provided attorney.
A large cannon suddenly pops out of Lawyerbot, labeled "X-EAMINAR", and aims at the rebel soldier.
Lawyerbot 9000: WHAT WAS THAT?
Rebel Soldier: I mean, I uh, plead the fifth?
Lawyerbot fires his canyon at the soldier, causing a small explosion around him.
Grif: (chuckles) Oh Lawyerbot, you over rule.
Simmons: With all these fine people and machines hogging every single job, even entry level positions have become increasingly competitive.
Grif: Whoa! Easy there, fry cook. You think this job is all burgers and grease stains? Well think again! We've got three kids missing in action in the Play Place and a van full of stoners holding up the drive through. So you better be coming in here with some work experience.
Simmons: But employer, how is it possible to gain work experience if I'm applying for my first job?
Grif: Excellent question you poor, hopeless soul.
Simmons: Remember all those extracurricular activities you did while you were in school?
Grif: Like if you played any sports, well that makes you a people person, with lots of hands on experience.
Simmons: Marching band, more like four years of sychronous audio engineering! Wink!
Grif: And isn't student counsel already pretty much a management position?
Simmons: If you think about it, jobs are the ultimate extracurricular activity. I mean you do them outside of school, right?
Grif: Unless you wanna work as a teacher, in which case, God help you.
Simmons: At this point you're probably thinking, "Gosh, getting a job is starting to sound really hard." And you're right!
Grif: Studies show that employers are hiring now more than ever! Unfortunately, they're just not hiring you.
Simmons: And if they're not hiring you, then that means they're giving jobs to someone else! And once everyone else has jobs, that means there won't be any left for the next generation of college graduates. It's the circle of unemployment. So you see, getting the job of your dreams is incredibly difficult.
Grif: And getting a job that you hate isn't exactly a walk in the park either, but at least it pays the bills.
Simmons: Providing, of course, you have bills to pay. The smart thing to do would be to leech of your parents for as long as possible. (yelling) Isn't that right, dad?!
Grif: Uh, he left awhile ago.
Simmons: (sighs) Damn it! (sighs) Hey Grif, mind if I crash at your place for a few weeks?
Grif: Uhh, you'll have to take it up with the Lawyerbot. He's the one that's on the lease, I actually just stay at the doghouse.
Simmons: Wait, really?
Lawyerbot 9000: (voice only) IT WAS A VERBALLY-BINDING CONTRACT!
Grif: I was drunk and you know it!!
Lawyerbot aims his cannon at Grif.
Simmons: (clears throat) Um, in conclusion, the best way to succeed in the nightmarish landscape, known as the job market, is practically impossible to define.
Grif: Which is why we recommend avoiding it entirely!
Simmons: Why compete with someone else's job, when you can just create one for yourself!
Grif: So get on out there and be the best astro-doctor-cowboy-dino-fighter that you can be!
Cut to an ad entitled, LAWYERBOT & BERNSTEIN, featuring Lawyerbot 9000 and Bernstein.
Announcer: (voice over) Paid for by the offices of "Lawyerbot and Bernstein". Now accepting summer interns.
Lawyerbot 9000: (voice over) INJUSTICE DOES NOT COMPUTE!
Announcer: (speaks indistinctly)
- This PSA suggests that Simmons lives with his father, as he calls to him after stating "you should stay with your parents as long as possible." However, no one responds and Grif states "He left a while ago," which could also be a reference to Simmons lacking a proper father figure in the series.
- The phone number to the "Lawyerbot & Bernstein" company is 1-800-DES-TROY. Interestingly, there is a song by the same name about reporting suspicious activity, but removing all evidence of you being involved in it.