|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||June 10, 2010|
Grif and Simmons discuss the video game industry aspects of website reviews, content ratings and the purchasing process, including downloadable content, with their usual snark and a little merchandise promoting.
Fade in to Grif and Simmons
Grif: Hi. I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
Simmons: And I'm Private Simmons from the same show. Many of you are probably thinking to yourself "Man, I love Red vs. Blue, and I love purchasing Red vs Blue DVDs for myself and several of my friends."
Grif: But then what're you supposed to do? I mean how do you get more Red vs. Blue in your life?
Simmons: Besides the T-shirts.
Simmons: And the action figures.
Grif: Exactly. Where else can you go to get an authentic Red vs. Blue experience?
Simmons: Did you know that the popular web-series Red vs. Blue is based on the multiplayer world of the Xbox game Halo? Shocking, I know. Not many people have heard of it.
Grif: What's even more shocking, is that there's an entire industry based around these "video games."
Simmons: Confused? Well you should be. Learning about new things can be scary, but we here at Red vs. Blue are ready to help you out.
Grif: Today, we present our consumer guide to the video game industry.
RvB's consumer guide to video games - Step 1: Picking a Game (accompanied by horn music)
Grif: Step 1 is picking a video game. Luckily there's lots of sites out there that rate video games for you.
Simmons: Most reviewers offer a numerical scale from one to ten where ten is the highest, and one is the lowest. But what do the scores mean?
Grif: Scores one through six are completely irrelevant, because no game ever gets them. So, that means a game that gets a seven, is terrible.
Simmons: So seven is the new zero.
Grif: Eight is also a terrible game, but a terrible game that probably advertised on the review site.
Simmons: Still very legal.
Grif: Nine-point-one is a lousy game as well. Nine-point-two through nine-point-four are good. Nine-point-five is great; there's nothing above nine-point-five, except for ten, which is a perfect game. And nine-point-nine, which is also a perfect game, but the reviewer doesn't like the developer because maybe he said something mean to him at a party or something.
Simmons: But even if the game gets a great review, is it the right game for your household?
RvB's consumer guide to video games - Step 2: Content Ratings (accompanied by horn music)
Grif: Luckily, each game is rated for content, and broken down into several categories. First up is E, which is a game meant for anyone.
Simmons: Next is T for Teen. This may contain content more suitable for teenagers. These games are typically the least fun.
Grif: Then we have M, which means Mature. This includes dismemberment by chainsaw; shotgun decapitations; decapimemberments; severed limbs jammed into assholes or other holes; liquifiations of a mammal; gouging of eyes then shooting bloody eye sockets with salted bullets; The Mangler; deskinning; despining; respining with non-standard vertebrae, e.g. pork rinds; chewing swallowing and digesting of immortal souls; that thing where you tear a guy in half lengthwise, and all his guts come out; and, forced reverse urination.
RvB's consumer guide to video games - Step 3: Buying a Game (accompanied by horn music)
Simmons: Can we stop that fucking horn already?
Grif: Games take a long time to make, so it's hard to tell when they're coming out. But, even if the game has no release date, you can still buy it. This is called "pre-ordering."
Simmons: Pre-ordering is where you pay for something today, and get something a lot like what you think you paid for, at some unspecified point in the future. And if you don't pre-order you might not be able to get the thing you want, because other people did pre-order. You're basically paying to make sure nothing bad happens to you on Launch Day.
Grif: You may know this process by its original name:extortion. You can also attend a midnight launch, which is your way of telling the world "Not only do I have nowhere better to be on a Monday night, but Tuesday morning is pretty much outta the picture too."
Simmons: You might think that just because you made it home with the game, your buying experience is over.
Grif: Au contraire.
Simmons: You still have dozens of purchases that you can make, thanks to the addition of DLC. You can buy extra characters and weapons, and all sorts of addons that make the game great. You know, we like DLC so much, we're finding ways to add it in to the RvB DVDs. Just think how much better scenes would be with these additional characters.
Cut to the first scene of Episode 1
Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
The camera reveals a cartoon gunslinger and a kitten on the base
Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why ar-
Simmons: Hey, shut up Grif. It's new Donut, and new Sarge.
New Sarge: What're you two yappin' about?
Back to real life
Grif: So remember kids, buying video games may seem like a scary experience, but just remember this handy guide, and you'll be happy, safe, and ready to play when the time comes.
Simmons: Join us next time, for part 2 of our series: sequels.
Grif: Parts 3 and 4 are about that too.