New Holidays is the third PSA to air in-between Season 16 and 17. It focuses on holidays to replace the already existing ones.
Characters[]
Reds and Blues[]
Synopsis[]
Simmons and Lopez have some very important information about the TRUE holidays we should all be celebrating.
Transcript[]
SIMMONS: Oh, hello. I'm captain Dick Simmons. You may know me from the global video sensation Red vs Blue, and as a famous online celebrity you can definitely trust my opinion.
LOPEZ: Soy el Lopez. [I am Lopez.]
SIMMONS: That's an excellent point Lopez. Regular holidays are boring and lame.
LOPEZ: Que? [What?]
SIMMONS: What we need are newer, more exciting holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas? Blegh! How passé. Did you know your grandparents celebrated those holidays? And they're old!
LOPEZ: Mi abuelita es tostadora elegante. [My grandma is a fancy toaster.]
SIMMONS: I know, right! You wouldn't wear the same clothes as your grandparents, so why celebrate the same holidays?
LOPEZ: No critiques abuelita. [Don't badmouth Grandma Toaster.]
'SIMMONS: Why yes, I do consider myself a young and hip trendsetter. Thank you for saying that Lopez. And I know some new edgier holidays we can celebrate instead. Join, me won't you?
'SIMMONS: On 'Thanksgimme', we give people the opportunity to thank us for all the good things we do for them, which they have selfishly forgot to be grateful for.
TUCKER: Hey Carolina, I made sure not to check out your butt, when you dropped your rifle this morning.
CAROLINA: Excuse me...!?
TUCKER: Whoa, whoa, I said I *didn't* check out your butt-
CAROLINA: Saying it a second time does not make it better!
TUCKER: Aren't you gonna thank me?
CAROLINA: *Thank you*...?? What kind of-
SARGE: Hello, female of indeterminate allegiance. And blue.... I had you both in my sights, was about to shoot you in the back but then... I didn't.
TUCKER: Thank you, Sarge.
CAROLINA: What?
SARGE: Happy 'Thanksgimme'...dirt bag.
CAROLINA: ...The hell?
TUCKER: Looks like someone just doesn't understand the meaning of Thanksgimme. [Carolina shoots him in the lap] Ow!
CAROLINA: You know I was thinking about neutering you, but I settled on a flesh wound instead. Now, what do you say?
TUCKER: Thank you.
CAROLINA: Damn straight!
LOPEZ: Eso incómodo. [That was incredibly uncomfortable.]
'SIMMONS: I agree, that was heartwarming. Next up, we have Saint Peppy's day.
LOPEZ: Santo Quién? [Saint Who?]
'GRIF: Ahh, there's snakes everywhere, all over the fucking base!
'CAROLINA: What?
'SIMMONS: Saint Peppy was a distant relative of Saint Patrick. Except he actually brought snakes back into Ireland and as everybody knows, snakes are super cool.
CABOOSE: Happy St. Peppy's Day!
CAROLINA: Caboose... Did you do this?
CABOOSE: Hush me. I'm Irish.
LOPEZ: Ay, my cabeza. [You're making my cabeza hurt.]
'SIMMONS: Fun and high jinks indeed. Now, let me tell you about Cinco de Macho. When you can show everyone you're the most macho in all the land.
'SARGE: Go on hit me. Right in the solar plexus. Or any other plexus you dare.
CAROLINA: I don't wanna hit you Sarge
'SARGE: I said let me have it! Or are you not man enough?
CAROLINA: Okay, I'm starting to want to hit you.
'SARGE: Don't you have any testosterone? I'm surprised you managed to grow any facial hair at all!
CAROLINA: Facial hair...!? What has gotten into all of... Aarggh! [leaves]
'SARGE:As we proved once again and once and for all, finally and for all time, Sarge is mas macho! Like there was ever any doubt!
[Carolina runs over Sarge in the Warthog]
SARGE: Ow, right in the plexus!
SIMMONS: I Know what you're thinking Lopez: Are there any more new and improved holidays? The answer is: Yeah, duhh! As a matter of fact you can purchase a selection of high quality products to celebrate these clearly superior holidays.
[A scrolling list of "Other holidays:" starts, featuring: December Fool's Day, Groundhog Day, New Fear's Day, Chinese New Fears, Groundhog Day, XXX-Mas (18+ Only), Brother of Another Mother's Day, Roboween, Good Wednesday, ROM Kippur, Groundhog Day, Rhode Island Appreciation Day, Earf Day, Mardi Gross, Dependance Day, Kevin, Manual Labor Day, Dia de los Huevos, MILK Jr.'s Day, Cyber Monday, and Uncle's Day]
LOPEZ: Eso es muy suspechoso. Muchacho. [This is highly suspicious. Muchacho.]
SIMMONS: Including greeting cards T-shirts snakes pregnancy tests. Just use promo code 'Red Base' for-
[The Warthog arrives]
CAROLINA: There you are! You mind explaining what's going on around here?
SIMMONS: Wha..? I don't know what you're talking about. I have no recollection of what you're about to say.
CAROLINA: [points her gun at him] Recollect harder.
SIMMONS: Alright, okay, I admit it. I sold out to the military-industrial greeting-card complex. Just don't shoot me.
SARGE: Aren't they a subsidiary of Disney Exxon Apple?
SIMMONS: Yeah, they promised to pay me for promoting their stupid new holiday so they could sell more merchandise.
SARGE: My god son, how much does a man's soul worth!?
SIMMONS: One hundred... dollars.
CAROLINA: Ugh... that is just sad.
SARGE: Hold up, you promised me a hundred bucks to help you with this holiday BS.
SARGE: You promised me 100 smackers too.
CABOOSE: I get to keep the snakes.
CAROLINA: So you're actually in the hole on this deal.
SIMMONS: I never said I was a master negotiator.
CAROLINA: Simmons... don't you know holidays aren't about buying stuff? They're about spending time with family and friends and about honoring the achievements of great people.
SARGE: Unless you hate your family.
CAROLINA: Well, yes, in that case you stay far away.
TUCKER: And that Columbus, 'cause he was a dick.
'CAROLINA: No, right, screw that guy. He was the worst!
TUCKER: Carolina, your rousing speech has made my organ grow three sizes bigger. [she points the gun at him] And by organ, I mean heart. Let's throw our own holiday party to celebrate all of us coming together... over our shared hatred of Simmons.
CABOOSE: And I'll bring good snakes.
'SIMMONS: Can I come...? At least I can count on you Lopez- ...hey, where are you going?
'LOPEZ: Voy a la festa de los cool. (I'm going to the Cool People Party)
'SIMMONS: Holidays suck.
Trivia[]
- This episode marks the second PSA hosted by Lopez, after Lopez's Technical Guide to Empathy.
- Sarge mentions Carolina as being of indeterminate allegiance, referencing how she has never officially joined a team.
- Carolina's and Tucker's hatred of Christopher Columbus is reference to his enslavement of native populations and desire to commit genocide in the region, and both specify the holiday shouldn't be celebrated.
- The company DisneyExxonApple is a combination of the three companies- media mogul The Walt Disney Company, oil and gas giant ExxonMobil, and technology enterprise Apple Inc. Despite the three companies having little to do with each other, it hinted they may have merged in the Red vs Blue universe.
- It also stated that they have made a military industrial greeting card complex. This is reference to sociological studies on alliances between military, industries, media and politics.
- Caboose saying "Pinch me I'm Irish" is a common phrase associated with Saint Patrick Day.
- In the list of holidays, Groundhog Day appears thrice, in reference to the eponymous movie revolving around a time loop.
- The list of holidays also has "Kevin", a possible reference to The Cabin in the Woods, where a whiteboard list of monsters also includes that name.
Video[]
