|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||July 1, 2018 (FIRST members)|
July 8, 2018
Docudrama is the twelfth episode of Red vs. Blue: The Shisno Paradox. It aired on July 1st, 2018 for FIRST members and July 8th, 2018 for the general public. It is the 336th episode overall.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Other[edit | edit source]
Plot[edit | edit source]
Sister, Grif and Tucker arrive at Jax's movie set and reunite with the others, Donut also shows up and apologises to everyone, saying that the whole time travel incident was all his fault. Grif and Tucker fill in the others about the Cosmic Powers and how they wish to meet them all, and all the damage time travelling has been doing. Jax attempts to piece together all of the Reds and Blues misadventures through time to create a cohesive timeline. He comes to the conclusion that Time Travel is neither good or bad and will usually backfire when trying to fix a personal mistake. He also admits that he stole Sarge's Time-Portal Gun on several occasions to hire actors from the past for his movie with no negative repercussions on the timeline. With all known information between the group shared, they prepare to go meet the Cosmic Powers. Before they leave, Washington questions everyone what the Gods and Time Travel have anything to do with finding Church. Confusing them, Carolina attempts to quickly cover Wash's condition by claiming he is just joking about how absurd the entire situation is. The Reds and Blues then leave through portals to meet the Cosmic Powers. Kohan gets a message from the studio that they've cut the funding for the movie after seeing the new cast list.
The Reds and Blues arrive at Starseeds and meet the Cosmic Powers, Jax sticks his head through one of the portals before they disappear asking for one of their Time-Portal Guns so he can use it to get funds for his movie. Enraged that he got interrupted, Atlus throws his Gravity Hammer at him, sending him back through the portal. After a brief argument about this, the gods then introduce themselves to the Reds and Blues. Kalirama introduces herself as Atlus's wife, Tucker cuts her off saying that Atlus called her his sister earlier and asking which one it is. Atlus answers "both" grossing him out. Genkins introduces himself saying how he loves posting spoilers on Youtube and spoils that "The Pink guy steals the Hammer in the next one." Lastly, Burnstorm introduces himself as builder of the gods. After the Reds and Blues introduce themselves to the Cosmic Powers, Carolina asks Atlus to explain and to "start at the beginning."
Transcript[edit | edit source]
The episode opens with romantic instrumental music over a sunset, followed by an establishing shot of an island with a long sandy beach. The camera pans in to Carolina standing on the beach, panning in to reveal Wash standing near her, close behind. Wash walks up to Carolina.
WASH ACTOR: [In a seductive whisper, reaching up to touch her helmet.] Take off your suit.
CAROLINA ACTOR: [Swoons into Wash’s arms.] Ahh!
The camera pans over a wooden floor littered with pieces of armor, as well as several colorful pool noodles. Exaggerated kissing noises can be heard.
WASH ACTOR: Ah, I wanna be in you like an AI.
The real Wash and Carolina are revealed to be standing off at the edge of the set. Two sets of bare feet can be seen in the foreground.
WASH: Jesus. Dare I even ask?
CAROLINA: Jax… wanted more sex appeal in the movie.
SISTER: [Running up behind them.] Oh, shit yeah! Lemme get in on this!
JAX: And cut! Another amazing take! Did you get that?
JAX: Moving on!
GEORGE: Friends and fellow citizens! That is a wrap on the Carwash lovemaking vignette! A Unit is shooting Grimmons next. B Unit proceeds straight to the highway chase.
SISTER: Dang it!
CAROLINA: Hey, Kaikaina. When did you get here?
SISTER: Just showed up with Tucker and Grif. Come on!
Kaikaina, Wash, and Carolina approach Tucker on the beach.
SIMMONS: No way!
GRIF: Yeah, dude!
SIMMONS: No wa-hay!
GRIF: Yeah, buddy. I’m gonna need your help coming up with some more sword puns. Mine are getting a bit… dull!
SIMMONS: I hope I can cut it!
JAX: Heh-hey-hey, the great reunion! Minnie, you’re on white, Greg, you’re on tight-50, you miss a fucking word and you swim home!
SARGE: Ho-ho! What’s this now?
JAX: It’s the documentary crew, here to film my meteoric rise to superstardom! Movies within movies! We’re getting meta!
GRIF: Right. So.
A Donut Hole opens in the midst of the group, and Donut emerges.
DONUT: Aw! You guys are doing a beach episode without me?
GRIF: What do you want, Donut? If you’re here to try and stop us--
DONUT: Not at all! I’m here to help. Everyone, there’s something I need to get off my chest!
GRIF: Save it!
DONUT: No, guys! I’m super duper sorry! This whole sticky mess--it’s on me! All over me! I’ve screwed each and every one of you deep, with no protection! And now, I’ve come to help pull out, before we’re all truly boned! From now on, nothing comes before my friends. They come first, and they come second. They come third, they come fourth--
As Donut speaks, the camera moves a bit unsteadily, like it’s being held freehand. Occasionally, it goes in and out of focus.
GRIF: We get it!
DONUT: So, Grif. What’s that plan of yours?
GRIF: Me and Tucker and Sister have been talking to some folks, and these folks have been saying that all of our time traveling is bad, and they want to meet about it and convince us to stop.
CAROLINA: Who are these… people you’re talking to?
GRIF: Not people…
GRIF: Let’s call them aliens.
TUCKER: They’re gods!
WASH: We leave you alone for five minutes and you piss off God?
SISTER: Gods. There’s a shit-ton of ‘em.
GRIF: It doesn’t matter what they are, okay? Or how many. They want to tell us what’s actually going on, and I think we should hear ‘em out.
Sister is framed in an interview-style shot, labeled: Kaikaina Grif, CEO, Blood by Blood Gulch Music Festival.
SISTER: So, first we meet Grif, and Grif sets up a meeting with the gods. Then at that meeting, we set up this meeting, which is all about setting up another meeting. Fuck everything about this. I’m supposed to be on vacation.
Cut to a different shot, zoomed in on Kaikaina, unfocused.
SISTER: Great. Everyone knows what’s going on now. Can we go?
SARGE: Absolutely not. Tell the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost to shove it! Red Team will not forfeit tactical superiority over the past!
Cut to Sarge standing next to a window, The Office style. Labelled: Sarge, Super Colonel, Red Team.
SARGE: God can take my magic gun--damn it, take two! God can take my magic gun when he pries it from my cold dead fingers!
Grif on the beach with the cabin in the background. Labelled: Dexter Grif, Pizza Lover.
GRIF: I had a feeling Sarge was gonna be a stick-in-the-mud. Time for a new tactic: lying.
Another shot, Grif talking to Sarge on the beach.
GRIF: No one’s asking you to give up your time machine, Sarge, okay? Of course you can keep it. THey just want to chat.
CAROLINA: These… beings you’re talking about. You really trust them?
GRIF: I trust one of them. Huggins saved my life! And she vouches for the rest.
SISTER: Fun fact! Huggins is a sentient lens flare.
WASH: This is finally making sense.
TUCKER: Anywho, they can’t hurt us. We all have some kinda shield against their magic.
SISTER: ‘Cause! We’re unwilling agents of some all-powerful time god.
WASH: Last time I was an agent, at least I got dental.
GRIF: God can’t kill you. That’s full coverage.
CAROLINA: What if they found a way around this shield?
Wash in an interview shot, labeled: Agent Washington, BAMF.
WASH: Honestly, this is the best I’ve felt in ages. Hanging out with the guys again, in way over our heads… it’s what I was made for.
CAROLINA: What if this is some sort of trap? Get us all together in one place…?
SISTER: I don’t think it’s a trap.
CAROLINA: But how do you know?
SISTER: I got a sixth sense for when someone’s lying to get in my pants. And they ain’t settin’ it off!
JAX: So, Grif. These god-beings are saying that time travel is bad.
TUCKER: Yeah. It does damage to the timelines, or whatever.
JAX: Yeah. Bad for the timelines, but not bad for us.
CAROLINA: What are you saying?
JAX: Ahaha. I’m just trying to figure out if time travel is some sort of monkey’s paw that’s always gonna blow up in our faces!
GRIF: Huggins said so.
JAX: But can we prove that’s true? I say we test the idea.
GRIF: Don’t you have better things to do? Don’t we have better things to do?
CAROLINA: If we’re going to meet these… gods, the more intelligence we have, the better.
JAX: I propose that I create a unified timeline of all your time travels. We look at that big picture, and we will learn the truth.
Kohan in an interview shot, labeled: Kohan Wooter, Producer, Red vs Blue: The Movie Film.
KOHAN: Jax is so smart--
Rapid cut to a close-up on Jax.
JAX: So all we need are interviews! With everybody. It’ll take no time. We’ll squeeze it in right before we shoot the giant mech sequence.
SARGE: Screen time, you say? Count me in!
CABOOSE: [Sighs.] I’ll go get my resume.
Interview shot of Simmons, labeled: Dick Simmons, Assistant (to the) Red Team Manager
SIMMONS: So of course, Sarge decided he was going to use to the time machine to fix it--
GRIF: But that didn’t work.
SISTER: Next thing I know, I got JFK brains on my visor.
Jax scribbles furiously on a whiteboard.
Interview shot of Caboose, labeled: Michael J. Caboose, Your Best Friend.
CABOOSE: Yes, thank you for having me. The greatest obstacles and challenges for me to overcome are definitely babies, gravity, taxes, and Chinese finger traps.
GRIF: Then I had to convince Caesar to invent pizza. You know, since he’s a foodie with that salad and all. Didn’t go great, though. Knives were exchanged, and--
Jax is still drawing.
DONUT: On the one hand, Chrovos saved my life. And he’s treated me with more respect than the Reds and Blues ever have! But on the other hand, the Reds and Blues are… well… hmm. They are… huh. I actually think the other hand is... empty.
CABOOSE: [Struggling to free his hands from a Chinese finger trap.] Yes… where do I see myself in ten years? Yes. Well, I definitely would not be stuck in any kind of eastern appendage experiments! Hnnh.
The Reds and Blues are now all gathered around the whiteboard, which is covered with a green cloth. The Blues (except for Sister) are lined up on the left, the Reds and Sister on the right.
JAX: All right, here’s what I got, everyone--the final verdict. Time travel has backfired every time that it was used to fix a personal mistake: to repair pride [Camera turns to Sarge], embarrassment [then Tucker], the loss of something valuable [then Caboose]. However, that doesn’t mean that time travel is a monkey’s paw, something that will always backfire! Case in point: I’ve been using Sarge’s time machine for weeks with no negative consequences!
SARGE: Uh, what?
JAX: Time travel isn’t good or bad! Now, in terms of our unified timeline… [Pulls the cloth off the whiteboard.]
TUCKER: Hah! Perfect.
SISTER: Oh, yeah! Woo-hoo!
SIMMONS: You’ve drawn a dick, dude!
Jax’s diagram does indeed appear to be a dick, complete with balls.
TUCKER: Mine’s bigger.
JAX: No! It’s-it’s a science!
SARGE: Your science looks like a one-eyed trouser snake.
GRIF: Great. Now that we’ve gotten all that out, it’s time we stop spinning our wheels. I for one vote we go meet with the gods and talk this through.
SIMMONS: If Grif thinks it’s a good idea, I’m in. …Euh, can’t believe I just said that without sarcasm.
CABOOSE: Yeah, I’m waiting to hear back about a job, but uh, yeah okay.
WASH: I still have questions. Mainly, what does any of this have to do with finding Church?
There’s a confused pause.
WASH: His distress call. The “Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi” message? That’s the whole reason we’re here. What do gods have to do with Church?
SIMMONS: That was a different thing.
CAROLINA: He’s kidding! Right, Wash? Just… pointing out how absurd this is?
Four Donut Holes open on the beach, and the Reds and Blues run through.
JAX: Now, as for me, I’ve been using the time machine to recast all the major roles of the Red vs. Blue movie.
Cut to a shot of Sarge near a sandbag wall in a heavily-gray-filtered gulch.
SARGE ACTOR: Well pal I hope you brought your wallet. Because rent in hell gets paid in advance!
TUCKER ACTOR: What’d I tell ya. I get no respect.
CABOOSE ACTOR: It’s bullshit. I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi, Grif.
GRIF ACTOR: For the last time, I’m not Grif, man. I’m the Dude!
TUCKER ACTOR: Bow chicka wow bow. One more time! Bow chicka bow bow! What is it? What’s the line? Feed it to me.
Back to Jax on the beach.
JAX: Brilliant! And unlike everyone else, it hasn’t backfired one iota--
KOHAN: Hey Jax! [Comes running out from the cabin.] I just got off the phone with the studio! They took a look at the new casting, and they killed the funding! We’re done! I’m free!
JAX: Eh, whatever! If they’ve cut the funding, we’ll just raise the money ourselves! I happen to know some people with a time machine--oh fuck! [Runs off.]
Cut to the Reds and Blues exiting the portals and entering the dwelling of the gods.
ATLUS: It has been many eons since mortals were allowed audience here, in Starseat, the seat of the Cosmic Powers. I, King Atlus Arcadium Rex--.
JAX: [poking his head through one of the portals] Hey guys! Can I borrow your time machine? Ooh, nice water fixtures.
Atlus growls and hurls his gravity hammer straight into Jax, knocking him back through the portal.
The Reds and Blues raise their weapons.
WASH: Take cover!
KALIRAMA: Everyone, calm down! [Turns to Atlus.] Temper, honey. I think they knew him.
ATLUS: That mortal idiot interrupted me! [Grudgingly.] I’m sorry I smited your mortal idiot friend.
GRIF: Meh. No harm, no foul.
ATLUS: Ehhh. That was my primary weapon. [The other gods turn to look at him.] Don’t--don’t look at it.
CAROLINA: This is God?
KALIRAMA: Yes. Atlus is the King of the Cosmic Powers. I am Kalirama, his Queen.
SARGE: You’re married?!
TUCKER: Whoa, wait a second. Didn’t you call her your sister earlier?
TUCKER: So which is it? Sister or wife?
WASH: This is some Game of Thrones shit.
GENKINS: I’m Genkins, with a G! I love posting spoilers on YouTube! At the end of the next one, the pink guy steals the hammer!
BURNSTORM: I am Burnstorm, Master Builder of the Gods!
SISTER: Hah, what?
TUCKER: I’m King Tucker, breaker of headboards!
SIMMONS: I’m Simmons, Wizard of Science!
CABOOSE: And I am Simmons--uh, I’m not Simmons!
SARGE: I am Sarge, Lord of the Twin Flag!
DONUT: And I’m--uh, come back to me.
SISTER: I’m Kaikaina, and I like to party!
GRIF: [rapping] Awww, Dexter Grif! He Who Must Not Be Messed With!
HUGGINS: Yes, boy!
GRIF: Sup, Huggs!
LOPEZ: Me llamo Lopez. [My name is Lopez.]
CAROLINA: I’m Carolina and this is Wash. Now, to matters at hand--
WASH: Spoilsport. I had a good one percolating!
CAROLINA: How about you start at the beginning?
ATLUS: The beginning? Ha ha ha! Very well. The very beginning...
Gallery[edit | edit source]
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- The codenames for the scenes, "CarWash" and "Grimmons", are the community nicknames for the Carolina/Washington and Grif/Simmons relationships.
- The caption for Caboose is "Your Best Friend", the song about him from the Season 8 soundtrack. His quote about the hardships to overcome references "My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I hate babies\taxes!" and Sarge's war against gravity, as well as when he met Santa, and Santa tested him by increasing the gravity times ten, which Caboose did not notice.
- The past actors Jax brought for his movie are Rodney Dangerfield (Tucker; done by the same Rick Robertson who voices John - now recast as Sarge), Tommy Wiseau (Caboose; voiced by Clayton James of Sugar Pine 7) and Jeff Bridges (Grif; voiced by compositor\lighting artist Billy B. Burson III).
- The interviews shot with handheld cameras are references to The Office. Simmons' title of "assistant (to the) red team manager" in particular takes from Dwight Shrute's title of "Assistant to the Regional Manager". Tucker's frequent looks to the camera (meant to nonverbally communciate exasperation,) are references to Jim from The Office commonly doing the same.
- While interviewed by The Shizno, Joe revealed Joel's first take for Caboose's introduction had him going "And I'm Simmons... oh, fuck!", and despite him finding Caboose swearing to be funny, he decided to re-record with a cleaner take, closer to the character.
- The Grifs referring to Huggins as a lens-flare returns in this episode.
- It is implied that Grif was responsible for, or at least involved in, the assassination of Julius Caesar.
- Wash's caption is BAMF, standing for "Bad-Ass Motherfucker." He is also captioned as "Agent Washington," despite not having been an agent for years, since the collapse of Project Freelancer.
- The Caboose actor says "It's bullshit, I did not hit her! I did not! Oh hi Grif." which is a refrence to the infamous 2003 film The Room, directed by Tommy Wiseau, where Johnny goes on the roof and says "I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not. Oh hi Mark."