|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| August 3, 2018 (RTX 2018)|
August 26, 2018 (FIRST members)
August 27, 2018
Grif and Simmons attempt to discuss the importance of Diversity while simultaneously trying not to offend everyone.
Grif: Hi, I'm Captain Dexter Grif from Red vs. Blue, the comedy series loved throughout the entire galaxy, except from the places we aren't.
Simmons: And I'm Dick Simmons, from the same thing. Today we'd like to talk to you about the importance of diversity.
Grif: Why do we need diversity, you ask? Well, just imagine how lame things would be if everyone was the same.
(Cut to four Simmons')
Simmons 1: Hey guys, I can't find my retainer. Can I borrow someone else's?
Simmons 2: Eugh, talk about unhygienic.
Simmons 3: Oh, c'mon, we all have the exact same mouth germs.
Simmons 2: Dude, I don't want your stuff in my mouth.
Simmons 4: Ooh, who wants to organize their sock drawer by size and color?
All the Simmonses: I do! Jinx! Double-jinx! Rutabega! Chinchilla farm! (Beat) My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / and they're like-
Grif: Oh, dear God, no!!
Simmons: Grif, what's wrong with you?
Grif: Sorry, sorry... I just had a waking nightmare. Please continue, singular Simmons.
Simmons: We here on Red vs. Blue are proud of the diversity in our cast and crew. For example, we have Agent Carolina.
Grif: She's a girl!
Carolina: I'm not just a girl.
Grif: Oh! Ah, a chick?
Carolina: Try again.
Grif: A feminista?
Carolina: That's not even a word, Grif!
Grif: Whatever. The point is, you have bo... (Carolina punches Grif away) OW!
Carolina: On second thought, I kind of like 'Feminista'. Sista feminista..... yeeeeaah, nice. (runs away)
Simmons: Moving on, we have Lopez. A proud Latino. Hispanic? Cholo?
Lopez: Incorrecto. [Incorrect-o.]
Simmons: Then help me out here.
Lopez: Soy mero robo americano. [I'm a Bad-Ass Robo American.]
Simmons: Okay, he's whatever he just said.
(The KO'd Grif rises)
Grif: Ow, my spine, every time.
Simmons: Next we have Caboose, who's intellectually challenged.
Grif: You mean he's an idiot.
Simmons: Oh, come on Grif. That's kind of harsh.
Caboose: Uhm, yes I hate to interrupt you anyone seen my pet chinchilla over here? His name is Buttercup Thunderscratch.
Simmons: His name is what?
Caboose: Benadryl Cundersnatch. He's like the actor.
Simmons: Do you mean Benedict Cumberbatch?
Caboose: Yeah, I don't know who that is. Benek Cawk-Kumberpatch. Benek Cawk-Kumberpatch come to daddy sweetheart! *whistling*
Simmons: Okay, fine, he's an idiot.
Grif: Told you.
Simmons: Another important member of the cast is Tucker, who is a person of color.
Grif: What do you mean? Like teal? We're all colored, dumbass.
Simmons: No dude, I mean like... you know... He's black, I think.
Grif: Wait, seriously? Tucker, are you black?
Tucker: Why? Were you two making racist jokes?
[Both]: No, no way!
Simmons: No, never.
Grif: Not even the funny ones.
Tucker: Whatever, I'm gonna go shoot some hoops.
Simmons: Dude, no!
Grif: was gonna say he's an athlete! That's kind of diverse.
Simmons: Oh, I thought-
Tucker:'''' We know what you thought. Racist.
Simmons: Ugh.. Next we have Donut who is-
Donut: Donut is what? Left-handed? Color coordinated? Born to dance?
Simmons: Let's just say... fabulous.
Grif: You know, they say everyone's at least somewhere on the fabulous spectrum.
Donut: It's true. I think you two are some of the most fabulous people out there.
Simmons: Oh, I know. I read the forum comments too. And topping off our diversity pizza, like a big ol' pale anchovy, we have Agent Washington.
Wash: Hey guys, good to be here.
Grif: Wash is our resident angry white dude.
Wash: Wait, what?
Simmons: No workspace is complete without one.
Wash: No, I'm not! I mean, I am white, but I'm not angry.
Simmons: Anger and denial! That's like dynamite waiting to blow.
Wash: Did he just call me a chihuahua?
Grif: Do you speak Spanish? As most white guys don't.
Grif: Then, no.
Simmons: You can really feel the pent-up anger radiating from him.
Wash: Are you people all insane?
Grif: LOOK OUT! HE'S GOT A GUN!
Wash: (looking down at his gun) What, this?
Simmons: (running backwards) AHH! DUCK AND COVER! HE'S GOING POSTAL!
Wash: (getting more exasperated) Oh, come on. Everyone's got guns.
Grif: Oh, no! He's gonna read his manifesto now!
Simmons: We don't want your newsletter!
Wash: You know what? Screw you guys. No wonder everyone's always trying to kill you.
Simmons: (standing) That guy is a time bomb.
Caboose: Ah, Sarge, have you seen Buttercrap Cundercratch?
Sarge: Heck no, son! I always use protection! Now, what do you poster boys for disappointment up to?
Simmons: Sir, we were just talking about the importance of diversity.
Sarge: Outstanding! You know, I'm a huge fan.
Simmons: Really? I wouldn't have figured you for a fan.
Sarge: Are you kidding? I love it! It creates all the best wars.
Carolina: Huh, does it?
Sarge: Oh, yeah, it's the perfect excuse to shoot people you don't like! BLAM BLAM BLAM! Oh no! I've been shot, and I totally deserved it! Tell my parents I was a failure.
Grif: Have you been sniffing gunpowder again? That's not diversity at all!
Sarge: Diversity? Oooh, I thought you said adversity!
Simmons: Nnno, sir, diversity refers to being accepting of people from various backgrounds. All of us joining together to form a rich tapestry of cultures, custom and ideals.
Sarge: That's never gonna start any good wars!
Grif: Yeah, no shit Gandhi, that's kind of the point. You have to accept people for who they are and treat them equally.
Sarge: Grif, as usual, you deserve to be kneecapped.
Grif: No, not again!
Sarge: But, you've given me a lot to think about. Hmm...
Grif: Huh, what do you know, If there's hope for Sarge, maybe there's hope for us all.
Simmons: Yeah, maybe we can make a better world by accepting each other and working together to-
Grif: (ducking) JESUS!
Sarge: (firing at them) I accept you all dirtbags...as equally viable targets!
Simmons: Way to go, sir! Technically that makes you one of the most open-minded people here.
Carolina: That's not how it works, you suckup! (stands up and shoots) EAT MY FEMINISTA AGENDA!
Lopez: Viva la revolución! [Long live the revolution!]
Grif: Yeah, down with the man!
Donut: But aren't-you the-man?
Grif: THE *OTHER* MAN!
Simmons: Guys, guys, stop shooting! We're supposed to be setting a positive example to- [is shot] OW!! You sons of bitches!
Sarge: ♫ It's the circle, the circle of life! ♫ What the...? Hold the Hakuna Matata! Is that a chinchilla on the battlefield? That's not regulation!
Caboose: Ah, there it is! Forgot it's name.
Sarge: Ahh! Get it off! Get it off!
Grif: Oh, man, what's it doing to his leg?
Tucker: Oh, I know what it's doing!
Caboose: Oh, he just has lots of love to give especially around the leg area, Isn't that right, Benaffleck Conjuresponge Thunderflashback?
Sarge: Oh god, somebody just shoot me! Oh, I don't know what's worse, the chin or the chilla! Oooouuuuhhhh!
Grif: So anyway, diversity! Maybe check it out!
- Donut's sexuality comes up again, this time being alluded to as being on the "fabulous spectrum."
- This is the first PSA to credit its writer and director within the episode itself.
- Leigh Lahav was mistakenly credited as the writer when this PSA first aired at RTX Austin 2018.
- The version that aired online is largely the same as the version that aired at RTX Austin 2018, the changes being mostly minor dialogue additions making the online version slightly longer.