|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| June 17, 2018 (FIRST members)|
June 24, 2018
|Writer(s)|| Jason Weight|
Caboose's Travels is the tenth episode of Red vs. Blue: The Shisno Paradox. It aired on June 17, 2018 for FIRST members and June 24, 2018 for the general public. It is the 334th episode overall.
Caboose shows a Slideshow of the events he and Lopez experienced while time travelling. These include teaching cavemen how to make fire, burning down the library of Alexandria, causing the fire of London, causing the Hindenburg explosion, igniting the First World War by giving a gun to Gavrilo Princip, asking Coffee Man for 2 cups of Coffee (before he gets shot by South Dakota) and establishing the Rooster Teeth company. Overwhelmed by all of this, Washington leaves the room.
While walking around, Wash is dragged to one of sets by a member of the Film Crew who didn't realise they already casted a stunt double. Wash arrives on set and discovers the take that is being recorded is the moment where he gets shot in the neck. Wash then watches repeated takes of his stunt double getting shot in the neck, each take progressively getting bloodier each time. This triggers Wash's PTSD of the event, causing him to panic and leave the set.
In Ancient England, Tucker rules as King, because the knights think his Energy Sword is Excalibur. While he is sitting on his throne, a knight walks in telling Tucker that a visitor is insulting him. Angered, Tucker goes to meet the visitor only to realize it was Grif who was saying insults to draw him out. Sister also arrives at the meeting after having sex with some of the Knights. Grif tells them that O'Malley has returned and all their time travelling is actually doing serious damage, then Donut suddenly appears out of a Portal. Donut sees Huggins with Grif and angrily tells them that Huggins is working for the enemy. Grif counters this by saying it's actually Donut who is working for the bad guys and gave them Time guns to ruin the past. Donut begs them to listen to him and Tucker questions why they would ever listen to him. Distraught, Donut leaves through a Time Portal.
A Knight runs into the meeting room warning that France is mounting an attack on Cameltoe because Tucker declared war on them. Tucker acts like he is going to lead the Knights into battle, but as soon as the Knight leaves, Tucker tells his friends they are bailing.
Donut travels to a strange white void location, where he encounters Doc. Donut asks why he is there and Doc replies "Same reason as you" and tells him "Not to keep him waiting." Donut walks into a strange dimension and begins to talk to "God" (Who is actually Chrovos manipulating Donut). Chrovos tells Donut that his friends will betray him, and that although he will spare them despite that, when Donut returns to the Reds and Blues he must do something for him.
The opening screen is a shot of the Earth from space, with yellow stars drawn over the background and “Caboose’s Travels” in rainbow gradient letters. And Comic Sans.
CABOOSE: [Voice-over.] Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome... to my vacation photos. Gentlemen, hold onto your butts. Ladies, hold onto whatever girls have instead of butts. ...Is it a tail? [Whispers.] Is that what it is?
Caboose's photos begin to appear in the frame, many with a place and time labeled in the lower right corner.
REACH 2460 AD: Caboose against a backdrop of some kind of black cliffs, and some kind of ship with blue lights in the sky above him.
CABOOSE: Ah, this is the one from when I found the gun that shoots doors and went through the doors and had a good time with my friend Lopez.
LOPEZ: Lo odiaba. [“I hated you.”]
(Unlabeled): Caboose hunting on the ground outside a building for his lucky penny.
CABOOSE: Yeah, it all started because I needed my lucky penny to start a fixed-interest savings account.
DESOLATION ISLE 2558 AD: Caboose overlooking the scene at the beginning of season 16, on the island.
CABOOSE: Then Grif told me to go buy some donuts.
SARAJEVO 1914 AD: Caboose handing his pistol to a mysterious person.
CABOOSE: So I went to the donut shop and a guy named Gavrilo Principal asked to borrow my gun. I said okay. Yeah, then there was a lot of yelling, so we left and went here.
BJORNDAL CRYOGENICS 2548 AD: Caboose standing in front of the oil platform from season 9. (Unlabeled) Caboose talking with one of the Bjorndal guards, while holding up two fingers.
CABOOSE: I was really tired, so I asked someone for two cups of coffee.
YUCATAN PENINSULA 871 AD: Caboose sneezing on a Maya person.
CABOOSE: I, ah, yeah, I totally sneezed on that guy.
AFRICA 2,320,521 BC: Caboose hanging out with some monkeys.
CABOOSE: Yeah, then we asked some monkeys if they’d seen my penny, but it turned out they were mean monkeys.
(Unlabeled): Caboose swinging a femur bone at one of the monkeys.
CABOOSE: If they turn and come back I'll beat ‘em! With a stick!
(Unlabeled):Caboose skipping away as one of the monkeys holds the femur aloft, the others looking on in fascination.
CABOOSE: Yeah, I hope they learned their lesson.
BUDA, TX 2003: Caboose with the founding fathers of Rooster Teeth: Geoff, Jason, Gus, Matt, Burnie, and Joel. Caboose has one hand on Burnie’s shoulder, and is giving Joel bunny ears.
CABOOSE: Oh yeah! Then I met some really really ugly people and helped name their company. I think it will stick! Agh! God, those guys were ugly!
AFRICA 612,002 BC: Caboose standing around a campfire, with three cavemen. CABOOSE: And then we met some really hairy guys! All the hairy guys looked so cold, I started a fire for them!
(Unlabeled): The cavemen lifting Caboose up over their heads, looking happy. CABOOSE: Hairy guys are my best friends!
(Unlabeled): Caboose playing a guitar made of wood and stone, while the three cavemen play their own crude instruments: a bone triangle, a drumset made of stone and hide and tree roots, and a bass made entirely out of wood. There’s a fire in the foreground, and Caboose has his foot in it.
CABOOSE: Ah, and then me and the hairy men started a band! And I was teaching them how to play “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” when I caught on fire!
ALEXANDRIA 48 BC: Caboose on fire running through a library, toward a pink portal on the far right of the frame.
CABOOSE: Yeah, this part I was on fire.
LONDON: 1666 AD: Caboose on fire running through a London street, toward a pink portal.
CABOOSE: Yeah, let's skip that part. Skip.
NEW JERSEY 1937 AD: Caboose parachuting from a blimp, in grainy black and white.
CABOOSE: Skip, skip, skip.
(Unlabeled): Caboose's view of Sarge, Simmons, Jax, Wash, and Carolina right after Simmons opened the closet door.
CABOOSE: Then I found my friends. The end!
WASH: Well, that changes... literally everything.
JAX: I'm gonna need some time to process this. Ten, fifteen years should be enough.
SIMMONS: Told you so.
CAROLINA: At least we’re still standing here, right? Caboose didn't erase anybody.
JAX: Yah! That we know of! Uh, it is a good point though. Caboose's travels in time are--
CABOOSE: Are in time for what? Am I late?
SIMMONS: Time travels, Caboose.
CABOOSE: Sure it does. Really makes you think. [Whispers.] Circles.
JAX: As I was saying--
GEORGE: Pardon—ah, dear Director? We’re all set up and waiting for you.
JAX: Cancel the shoot! This is way too important.
GEORGE: Understood! We shall shoot the maiming scene another day, I guess.
JAX: Whoa, we’re up to that? Fuck yeah, time travel can wait! Ah, okay, wait. Real quick. There's still one more piece to this puzzle.
CAROLINA: The paradox question.
JAX: Right. So far, all the time traveling can be explained away by a really weird closed loop. No one's done anything that would prevent them from traveling in time in the first place. If you do that, let me know what happens! If there's still a me. And there's still a happens.
WASH: Speaking of closed loops—my migraine has a migraine. I'll, um—I'll see you guys later. Gonna grab some shuteye.
Carolina watches Wash walk out of the room.
Cut to the medieval castle, and a sign that has been changed from “CAMELOT” to “CAMELTO.”
ORANGE KNIGHT: [Voiceover.] Lord, please—I bring news.
Cut to the interior of a castle, where Tucker is seated on a golden throne, with the Orange Knight standing before him.
TUCKER: News? Ennh! Boring. Skip.
ORANGE KNIGHT: Sire, the—the French have landed at Cornwall!
TUCKER: Sweet. About frickin’ time. Did they bring everything I asked for?
ORANGE KNIGHT: I don't believe so, Your Grace. It appears to be an invasion? We must raise an army at once.
TUCKER: Pah. An army. Let's let the military worry about armies, okay?
ORANGE KNIGHT: But we are the—Sire—I shan’t stand here and watch as the noble land of Camelot--
ORANGE KNIGHT: Camelto... is overrun by the French! I refuse—Tucker stands up from his throne, and draws his energy sword.
ORANGE KNIGHT: Excalibur!
Two Blue knights nearby kneel.
BLUE KNIGHT: Blessed be the sword of swords!
TUCKER: That's what I thought. Are we done?
ORANGE KNIGHT: No, Your Grace. There is one other matter. Thou hath a visitor. He insults thee to any fellow that listens.
TUCKER: What?! What does he sayeth?
ORANGE KNIGHT: He sayeth... “Tucker is a butt. A dildo.” That he hath a dildo up the butt.
ORANGE KNIGHT: He sayeth thou cannot maintain an erection, and hath dubbed this condition “Wangxiety.”
TUCKER: But you told him I'm King, right?
ORANGE KNIGHT: Verily. He countered, perhaps thou art the King of... masturbating?
The two Blue knights snicker.
ORANGE KNIGHT: Jack of all offs, Master of Bates, and a Cockbite of the highest order.
TUCKER: Kill him! Kill that guy! Off with his head!
ORANGE KNIGHT: Ah, yes Sire.
The Orange Knight turns to leave.
TUCKER: Cockbite... cockbite? Oh, God damn it.
Tucker rises from his throne, draws his rifle and heads out of the throne room.
He meets Grif at opposite ends of a long table.
TUCKER: What the fuck are you doing here?
GRIF: We happened to be in the neighborhood.
TUCKER: Yeah? Neat. What's with the uh, glowing thing?
GRIF: Huggins has a name.
HUGGINS: It's Huggins!
SISTER: [Entering the room.] Sorry I'm late! I got waylaid. Hey, brother! When did you pop in?
HUGGINS: We happened to be in the neighborhood.
TUCKER: What brings you to my kingdom, losers? Need a knighthood? Or perhaps a circumcision.
GRIF: Knock it off.
TUCKER: Oh, come on! Now what'll it be, a Baron? Baron Wasteland, Lord of the Swamp. I'm the King! Get with it.
GRIF: [Aside to Kaikaina.] What the fuck is wrong with Tucker?
SISTER: Somebody doesn't take rejection well!
TUCKER: God damn it. Respect me! I hold the magic sword, and thusly, I decide what's what! My word is law! The sun and the moon are the same thing! Mice grow up to be dogs! Scott Bakula's Star Trek is one long weird episode of Quantum Leap! You will respect me! You will kneel!
SISTER: We can see your boner.
TUCKER: Eep—I'll fire you from the trebuchet!
Suddenly a Donut Hole opens opposite Kaikaina, and Donut emerges.
DONUT: Oh, friends! I have finally found you! Praise be!
GRIF: Look, Tucker. I didn't cross the face of the Earth for shits and giggles. We’re all in deep. O’Malley's back.
GRIF: Turns out all our time traveling has been doing some serious damage to some serious shit.
SISTER: How do you know all this?
GRIF: Huggins told me. We’re working together now. Power bump-- [Huggins spirals rabidly around Grif's torso and bumps his outstretched fist.] Fshoo!
HUGGINS: [Simultaneously with Grif.] Fshoo!
DONUT: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, guys! You can't talk to that thing—she's working for the bad guys!
HUGGINS: I am not a bad guy!
GRIF: It's Donut who's playing for the other team.
DONUT: How dare you!
SISTER: [To Huggins.] I have two questions. Are you seeing anyone? Do you like girls?
HUGGINS: I go both ways! I'm a particle and a wave. [Giggles.] Physics joke.
TUCKER: What the fuck is going on? I was thinking about some important King shit and lost the thread.
GRIF: Yeah. Turns out Donut's finger-quotes “God” is actually the new big bad. He gave us time machines so that we'd ruin history.
TUCKER: We haven't ruined history.
SISTER: You declared war on France!
TUCKER: They had it coming! Those fancy fucks eat snails!
DONUT: To save the future, we must fix the past! [Looks around at the others.] That's the mission God gave us.
SISTER: It is... vague, isn't it?
TUCKER: Like, starve a cold, feed a fever? Save the future, fix the past!
HUGGINS: It was meant to be hazy, so you'd go and do whatever!
DONUT: Not true! Listen to me!
TUCKER: Why would we ever do that?
DONUT: How silly of me to think my friends would ever be on my side. Fine. Die! See if I care.
Donut opens a portal, and departs.
HUGGINS: Oh, I feel bad. I think it hurt his feelings.
The Orange Knight runs back in.
ORANGE KNIGHT: Lord... [Panting.] My lady. [Bows to Sister, who giggles.] The French are at the gate! They're laying siege to Camelto!
GRIF: Ugh. We don't have time for an action scene! Let's just go.
ORANGE KNIGHT: Leave? ...Now?
TUCKER: I'm not going anywhere. Friends! Companions! Douche-knuckles! I may not be the best King, but I would never abandon my people in their time of need. Lancelot, mount my steed! I shall lead the charge myself!
LANCELOT: Right away, Sir!
GRIF: Did you really mean that?
TUCKER: Hell no, let's bail.
Cut to Jax's movie set. Wash is walking through one of the buildings by himself. A crew member runs up to him.
CREW: Ah, there you are! Follow me, please. You're late for your big moment!
Wash follows the crew member silently to the set of the hangar where he was shot. A Pelican is visible in the background, as well as a constructed cave opening covered by a green screen. Wash sees someone in identical armor to his own, and walks over to him.
WASH ACTOR: No need. I'm already rigged up. I prefer to do my own stunts.
WASH: Excuse me?
JAX: Clear the set! Places, everyone!
Wash moves off to the side.
WASH ACTOR: What's my motivation here, Jax?
JAX: So you're this dashing action hero guy who pulls the whole team together.
WASH ACTOR: Right.
JAX: You are awesome, charismatic, funny, brave, basically perfect.
WASH ACTOR: Uh huh.
JAX: And it all goes to shit when you're shot in the neck a bunch. Action!
WASH ACTOR: [Is immediately “shot” and collapses dramatically to the floor.]
JAX: Cut! What is this, a freakin’ Disney movie? I said I wanted blood! Give me blood! Action!
The scene repeats, but this time with more blood. Wash is still watching.
JAX: What was that, a fuckin’ paper cut? Come on. Action!
The scene repeats with still more blood.
JAX: Action! [His voice echoes and becomes distorted.]
The camera zooms in on Wash's helmet as he watches the scene repeat again and again.
The silhouette of the actor being shot is framed in a close-up on Wash's helmet. The actor falls with a truly absurd amount of blood, and an echo of Tucker calls, “Wash, get down!” The camera again zooms in on Wash, until he is startled out of it by Carolina.
CAROLINA: Wash. You okay?
WASH: Yeah, I'm--I'm--I'm fine. [Pause.] I'd be more fine if people gave me some space.
He walks off the set. Carolina watches him go.
CAROLINA: Damn it.
Cut to a blank white screen. A pink portal appears in the center, and Donut emerges.
DONUT: Aw... dang it!
O’MALLEY: Tsk, tsk. Language, Donut! Mwahaha!
DONUT: What are you doing here?
O’MALLEY: Same thing as you, my brother! I certainly wouldn't keep Him waiting.
O’Malley nods toward an arched church door sitting in the otherwise featureless white. It slowly opens. Donut comes through on the other side of the door, onto a chunk of rock seemingly floating against a backdrop of pinkish-red cloud.
CHROVOS: Donut... come closer.
Another floating platform comes into view.
DONUT: Ah! Ah—actually, I'm really cool right here, like I-I kinda tweaked my ankle, and I can hear everything really well, so--
CHROVOS: Have faith.
DONUT: I'm, uh--
Donut takes his first step off the rock platform, and does not fall. He keeps going.
DONUT: Ah. Boy!
He crossed the long distance to the far platform, seemingly walking on air.
CHROVOS: I would never let any harm come to you, child.
The far platform appears to be a shiny black surface with a white grid drawn on it. On the far side of it is a complex arrangement of gleaming gold gears, all turning.
DONUT: You're my father? Oh my. That makes me Fabulous Jesus!
CHROVOS: All are my children. Everything that exists.
DONUT: [Awestruck.] Everything...
DONUT: I got sick one time from a piece of old gum in eighth grade.
CHROVOS: I know what you're getting at. And yes, I am that gum's father.
CHROVOS: Donut... something troubles you. It's your friends.
DONUT: Yeah. They're such jerks!
CHROVOS: Indeed. They are jerks. I'm sorry to say they will betray you, Donut.
DONUT: Betray me! No! They're my friends.
CHROVOS: Name one nice thing they've done.
DONUT: Um... ah! I got sick once, and Grif made me a sandwich! ...Oh. But then he ate the sandwich in front of me.
CHROVOS: Donut, look at me. I would never eat your sandwich. Your friends have chosen the wrong side. But I am merciful. You may still save them.
DONUT: And then they’d all be nice to me?
CHROVOS: Donut, I will spare your friends. Return to them now. But when you do, there's one thing—one thing you must do for me.
- The location Caboose and Lopez were sent to in Lost Time was the planet Reach in the year 2460. This would be a century before the current events, and still in the Colonial era of Halo (The Great War only started in 2525, while Halo: Reach and Halo: Combat Evolved are set in 2552).
- Caboose and Lopez's travels include the following mishaps:
- Caboose apparently helped in the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand (and subsequently, the start of World War I) by giving his gun to his killer.
- Caboose travels to the Bjørndal Cryogenics Research Facility in 2548, ten years before seasons 15 and 16, where he asked the Coffee Man for two cups of coffee, leading to South killing him.
- Bjørndal is spelled differently in this episode - "Bjornal".
- Caboose apparently caused the Classic Maya collapse by introducing modern germs to them after he sneezed on one of them.
- Caboose apparently helped establish Rooster Teeth, or at least baptize the company. He also states the founders (including Joel Heyman himself) are "ugly people".
- Caboose ended up teaching the ancient hominids how to fight with bones, a reference to the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey.
- Caboose's incidents after catching fire are the fire of the library of Alexandria in 48 B.C, the Great Fire of London in 1666, and the Hindenburg explosion in 1937.
- Tucker had previously suggested living in a monarchy ruled by him as his sword would be Excalibur in "Previously On", and this episode had him become king for this exact reason.
- Tucker renamed Camelot to Camelto, a direct innuendo to the phrase camel toe.
- Grif and Huggins reveal that Donut is working for the real enemy and that the Cosmic Powers are actually the ones trying to make things right, rather than the other way around.
- It is later revealed that Doc, as "O'Malley," is also working for the same person.
- Oddly, Tucker acts like his undeveloped self, telling people to bow to him, and changing Camelot's name to Camelto, willingly messing up the timeline.
- The "Him" discussed in previous episodes is revealed to be Chrovos.
- It is also shown that Donut is being manipulated into working for Chrovos, with the latter calling himself "God" and claiming to be the creator/father of everything.
- Huggins is revealed to be bisexual, using what she highlights as a physics joke (Huggins is made of light, which is both wave and particle).
- Sister's own bisexuality is reaffirmed, asking Huggins if she's seeing anyone and if she likes girls.
- Tucker saying "Scott Bakula’s Star Trek is one long weird episode of Quantum Leap!" is a dig on Enterprise, widely considered the worst of the Star Trek TV series.
- The orange knight is revealed to be Sir Lancelot. Writer\actor Jason Weight stated in an early draft, the name would also appear as he delivers news to Tucker ("I lance-a-lot, if you know what I mean").
- It is also revealed that sometime during their time in the Middle Ages, Sister had sex with Sir Lancelot as she states she could've had Sir Lancelot "slay her like a dragon" in A Pizza the Action.
- In an interview, Joe Nicolosi revealed that in this episode, Genkins appears as the crewman who directs Wash in the film set, only speaking without the British accent he uses in all other appearances until he begins to imitate Church.
- During RTX 2018, it was revealed that Joe considered having present day Caboose having been the one to respond to himself in the cave during Heavy Mettle, though this wasn't included due to this being difficult to show through a slideshow. Another cut joke was that while running on fire, Caboose would ignite a bush and inspire Moses.
- The title of the episode is a possible reference to the novel Gulliver's Travels.
- Grif calling Tucker the king of masturbating may refer to previous sesasons where he is implied to do so:
- In the season 2 episode I Dream of Meanie, Tucker has a rock where he masturbates.
- In the season 11 episode +1 Follower, in the scene where Simmons explains "Basebook", two rolls of toilet paper and a bottle of vasceline can be seen.
- In the season 15 episode Belly of the Beast, Tucker reveals he has a masturbatorium in their base on Iris.