|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"A Trip Abroad"|
|Airdate|| March 15, 2018 (FIRST members)|
March 22, 2018
|Writer(s)|| Leigh Lahav|
Going on a trip abroad can be scary; luckily Grif and Simmons have some advice that will surely come in handy.
Donut returns from a trip to France, leading Sarge, Grif, Simmons and Caboose to demonstrate all the steps in travels to other nations, such as the airport, dealing with the locals and going to the bathroom.
Simmons: Hi, I'm Dick Simmons from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
Grif: And I'm--
Donut: Hi guys! Did you miss me?
Grif: You can't keep asking that every time you come back from the bathroom, man.
Simmons: Yeah, dude. It's gross.
Donut: What? No! I was in Paris for three weeks! You guys didn't notice?
Donut: I talked about it for months! You helped me get tickets to the Louvre!
Grif: That doesn't sound like me... at all.
Donut: Simmons drove me to the airport!
Simmons: Uh, it doesn't ring a bell.
Donut: Oh my gosh. You guys were supposed feed my cat! Whiskers!
Donut runs away
Simmons: Why, that was a perfect segue to talk about a very important topic. Etiquette when visiting a foreign country.
Grif: A set of skills that will keep you from embarrassing yourself and your country overseas, And are a must in these trying times.
Sarge: What's wrong with Donut? I just saw him running away and ugly crying. Like, really ugly. *shiver*
Grif: I dunno, broke a nail?
Simmons: The first step of visiting a foreign country is getting the hell out of your country. That's where the airport comes in. You'll recognize it by the big sign that reads "Airport", and the construction that's been going on for the last 15 years.
TSA Agent: Are you carrying any weapons or anything that might be considered a weapon today, sir?
Sarge: Of course! Several of them!
Simmons: Never leave home without one, duh.
Grif: My suitcase is just grenades!
TSA Agent: Are you carrying any weapons on you today, anything that might be considered a weapon, sir?
Caboose: Uhhh... No... Well, you might notice my suitcase, which happens to be in the *shape* of a, uh... gun. But it's only packing bullets.
TSA Agent: We're gonna need a passenger assist over at security. Four passenger assists.
Simmons: Ugh, that was exhausting!
Sarge: My life started flashing before my eyes!
Grif: Ugh! Two whole hours!
Simmons: Traumatic experiences such as long flights can be overcome with simple distractions, such as [poster of Sarge 2: Sarge Harder] watching a censored version of your favorite r-rated movie, [the characters holding nerf guns and the subtitle struck and replaced "Slight Less Soft Sarge"] throwing peanuts at the flight attendants, or writing down great ideas you only get with a feverish brain induced by cabin air pressure. Here's what I wrote: Perpetual motion rollercoaster; reading light in funeral caskets; Jon Lovitz. Jon Lovitz?
Grif: Adult diapers, but for babies.
Caboose: Clouds. Skyline. Tarmac.
Grif: Did you just write whatever you saw out the window?
Caboose: We weren't playing I Spy?
- stomach growling*
Simmons: When contemplating where to eat on a trip abroad, it's advised to be adventurous and try new things.
Grif: That's right! For example, McDonald's in Greece has a Big Mac with pita bread and tziki sauce.
Sarge: The Chinese McDonald's has black and white buns!
Simmons: And McDonald's Germany has a bratwurst sandwich!
Caboose: What about places that don't have McDonald's?
Sarge: We don't go to places that don't have a McDonald's.
Caboose: Why not?
Sarge: It's not safe. Value your life more, son.
- distant vague inaccurate French noises*
Grif: Big part of traveling abroad is making connections with the locals by displaying your friendly American ways.
Simmons: Precisely.We're trying to communicate with foreigners remember that English might not be their primary language, so make sure to speak [shouting] a hundred and fifty percent louder than usual.
Grif: Impress them with how better your English is than theirs. In turn they'll be thrilled when you insist they teach you curse words in their native tongue.
Caboose: Uh, guys. What does [BEEEEEEEEEP]
Grif:Whoa! Simmons:Oh my god, what's wrong with you? Grif: You're a monster! Go stand in the corner and wash your mouth you piece of shit!
Grif's stomach growls again. Cut to him and Simmons in front of a port-a-potty
Simmons: As Sun Tzu once told us, "everybody poops". And that's just as true on vacation as it is at home.
Grif: But some countries have different facilities and habits than you're used to. For example, toilets in Japan are often much smarter than the average American soldier, equipped with heated seats, cleansers automatic lids and candy dispensers so when you get hungry during a lengthy discharge.
Simmons:That's right, Grif. And in Australia the water flushes the opposite way.
Grif: Upwards so the water splashes all over your face?
Simmons:Yeah, the water splashes all over your face idiot. No I mean counterclockwise.
Grif: That's stupid.
Simmons:It sure is and other places like right here the toilet is often outdoors, and where is it? Where'd it go?
There's a hole inside the port-a-potty
Simmons: You mean the hole? But where do you sit on?
Grif: If you just move see if you squat and turn...
Simmons:oh no! Wait, nevermind. I'm out
Simmons: just hold it till you're safely back home.
Sarge: Did you boys see the toilets in this dump? That's it! I'm out of this mission. We're catching the next flight out of here!
Simmons:Great. We lasted, ooh... 52 minutes! personal best!
Grif: that was 51 minutes too long.
Sarge: Where's caboose?
Back to the hole...
'Caboose: uh, guys... I finished! how do I back up?
Sarge: It's good to be back!
Grif: Home is where your flushing toilet is!
Simmons: When you finally come back home, take a moment to look at the many souvenirs you've purchased at the overpriced gift shops. Even though you had a miserable time, your knickknacks will give everyone the illusion that your trip was amazing and better than anything they'll ever achieve.
Sarge: I got a Big Ben snowglobe!
Simmons: You weren't even in England.
Sarge: Ah the sell 'em everywhere.
Simmons: I wonder what other travelers cherished from their brave voyages.
Donut has put a memorial for Whiskers
Donut: At least I have all this French cheese to comfort me. [sniffles] It smells terrible.
Simmons: On a final note, don't forget to tell all your friends about your trip in great detail even if it's been four years. Have a slideshow prepared and running. Everyone would love to hear about the time you got food poisoning in Hong Kong again.
Sarge: Oh that reminds me did I ever tell you about the time?
Grif & Simmons: Yes, many times!
Sarge: Well, you're gonna have to listen to it again! It's an order!
Grif & Simmons: Oh God
Sarge: Hot August summer back when Florida was still around...
Grif: ah crap. I think I forgot my suitcase in the spinning thingy.
Simmons: I got it for you. Don't worry. I'd never leave a friend hanging.
Caboose is still in the hole.
Caboose: Guys! guys! oh, hello... No definitely not a pillow. guys you're not gonna believe this... The TSA is down here!
- The scene where the airport is seen under construction for 15 years references a podcast and later RTAA where Burnie Burns expresses his rage over the Austin airport and its seemingly never-ending repairs.
- ↑ : “Hey @RoosterTeeth Community, say hello to @leighlahav! She's a wonderful writer/director of animation who ALSO happened to write one of our latest RvB PSAs!”