|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"A Slightly Crueler Cruller"|
|Airdate||August 15, 2003|
A Slightly Crueler Cruller is the sixteenth episode of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.
The episode starts off with a fully recovered Donut, who has returned to Red Base, ecstatically telling Grif and Simmons about Red Command giving him his own colored armor. Grif and Simmons initially find it difficult to tell Donut about his armor color until Grif blatantly tells him that his armor is outright pink. Donut denies that his armor is pink, but both Grif and Simmons jokingly keep at it, saying it is. Donut gets annoyed and states that they're both "color blind". He then poorly attempts to describe his armor color as "lightish-red", which Grif says is obviously the color pink.
Sarge, followed by Lopez, joins them atop of Red Base. He also pokes fun at Donuts pink armor (addressing him as "madam" and other feminine titles), with Donut still insisting is light red. Sarge then asks Donut if he brought the "package". Donut says yes and hands Sarge a "speech unit" while explaining that it will work for Lopez, revealing "him" to be a robot. Sarge starts to install it into Lopez while joyfully saying to the Reds he'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to, besides from Simmons.
Sarge also tells them that he initially did not have a speech module for Lopez at the time he was building him. It is then known that Grif never knew of Lopez's robotic nature, but instead thought he was just a quiet person. Sarge and Simmons point out his arrogance, explaining the fact that Lopez slept while standing, as well as "drinking" motor oil, never gave hint to Grif that Lopez was in fact a robot. As Sarge finishes the installation of the speech unit, Simmons warns him about the possibility of the card being damaged by electrical output. Sarge mockingly rebukes his warning and slips in the card anyway. Just after doing so, an electrical discharge is seen coming from Lopez's body, startling Sarge.
At Blue Base, Caboose attempts to clean his armor free of its charred state while also commenting that it is hard to do so. Tucker agrees, saying it was easier when they only cleaned his armor. Caboose then annoyingly tells Tucker that he didn't do anything "helpful" during the rescue of Tex. Tucker responds by making fun of him and his seemingly incessant team-killing. Caboose then tells him to not make him mad.
Back at Red Base, Donut tries to recollect the prior events before he sustained his injuries back when Red Team was attacked by Tex. He starts by remembering he had some kind of "spider" stuck to his head, and that he exploded. Donut also remembers that Simmons had fainted because of it, but Simmons denies it once more. Sarge finally completes the installation of Lopez's speech unit and tells him to activate it. Lopez acknowledges and speaks. Much to the dismay of Red Team however, Lopez only responds in Spanish, albeit in a monotone voice, due to Sarges negligence in handling the speech card beforehand. However, Sarge blames this accident on Donut, saying that he picked up the wrong model. As Sarge tries to have Lopez speak in English, Grif points out that it is no use. Sarge then asks Lopez, who can supposedly understand English, but not speak it, if he would like to shoot Grif out of annoyance. Lopez complies, but Grif tells him not to.
Donut stands on top of Red Base in pink armor.
Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!
Grif and Simmons look at each other.
Grif: Uh... hey, Donut?
Simmons: Um, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?
Grif: It's pink. Your armor is frickin' pink!
Simmons: Yeah, that's it. Pink.
Donut: Pink? My armor's not pink!
Simmons: Yeah, definitely pink.
Donut: You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?
Grif: Hey, don't ask, don't tell.
Simmons: (over Grif's laughter) Heh, that's not funny.
Grif: (laughs a little more) It's a little funny.
Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh.. a "lightish red".
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.
Donut: I hate you guys.
Sarge: (running up the ramp with Lopez in tow) Well hello, dirtbags. ...and a fine hello to you, madam.
Donut: It's LIGHT red.
Sarge: Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?
Donut: Yes sir.
Donut: (holding up a mechanical unit) They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.
Grif: Speech unit?
Donut: (handing the unit over to Sarge) Here you go.
Sarge: Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.
Grif: Wait a second.. Lopez is a robot?
Simmons: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?
Grif: I just thought he was a really quiet guy.
Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?
Grif: Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.
Simmons: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. (Grif and Simmons look at each other) And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! (he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jump back) YOW!
Simmons: Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.
Sarge: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.
Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red!
Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the Blue Base. Tucker's armor is clean, but Caboose's is still black.
Caboose: (panting) Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?
Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.
Caboose: Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.
Caboose: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.
Cut to Donut.
Donut: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?
Grif: Right. That was a grenade.
Donut: And the last thing I remember.. is a loud bang.. and then Simmons fainting...
Grif: Ha! Told you so!
Simmons: I did not faint.
Sarge: Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!
Lopez: Buenos días. Y gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres. [Good morning. And thank you for activating my speech function. I am the model number zero one zero one one three four eight eight two three.]
Donut: (over the last five numbers) Am I the only one not understanding any of this?
Lopez: Me llamo López. [My name is Lopez]
Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!
Sarge: Lopez, speak English.
Lopez: Mi procesador de inglés ha funcionado mal.Se habla solamente español. [My English processor has malfunctioned. I speak only Spanish.]
Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.
Sarge: Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.
Donut: Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.
Sarge: Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.
Lopez: Negative. [Negative]
Sarge: Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?
Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.
Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?
Lopez: (raising his gun) Sí señor. Gracias.
Fade to black.
(Grif and Simmons Says This in the Earlier Version)
Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!
Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass.
Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?
- This is the first time Donut appears in his pink armor.
- Lopez is revealed to be a robot in this episode and speaks for the first time.
- Several of Tucker's lines were recorded by Jason Saldaña's brother Nick, including the line about Caboose's "constant team-killing." This was due to a power-outage when Jason was supposed to record his lines.