Red Gets a Delivery

Red Gets a Delivery is the second episode of the series, introducing the Red Team leader Sarge and the newly arrived Chupathingy.

Transcript
Pan out on Grif and Simmons, who are approaching another Red soldier (Sarge) clad in red armor.

Sarge: Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Simmons and Grif exchange looks.

Switch to Sarge.

Sarge: Stop the fellow talk you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today.

Grif: Uh...is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge (mockingly): That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here *agitated* is in charge of confetti!

Grif: I'm the stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: God damn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

Simmons: Oh I'd do it, too.

Sarge: I know you would, Simmons. Good man. *pauses* Couple of things today ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Grif: Oh crap. We're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we recieved the first part of our shipment from Command.

Grif and Simmons exchange looks again.

Sarge turns towards a hill behind them.

Sarge: Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

A large, amor-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Lopez in the dirver seat, who pulls up along side the Reds.

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: Shotgun! *realizing he is too late* Fuck.

Sarge: May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle.

Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it.

Sarge: It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I lke to call it the Warthog.

Switch to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?

Switch to Sarge.

Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Switch to Grif.

Grif: I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

Sarge (after a brief pause): Say that again.

Grif: I think it looks more like a Puma.

Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a Puma?

Simmons: Uh...you mean like the shoe company?

Grif: No it's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons: Yes, sir!

Sarge (pointing at the front of the Warthog): Look, see these two tail hooks? They look like tusks and what kind of animal has tusks?

Switch to Grif.

Grif: A walrus.

Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

Switch to a view of the Reds through a sniper rifle scope.

Switch to Church, weilding the rifle, and Tucker, weilding an M6D pistol. Tucker: What is that thing?

Church lowers the rifle.

Church: I don't know, man. Looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

Tucker (taken aback): A car?! How come they get a car?!

Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker (disappointed): You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

Church: Oh you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're about to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Tucker: *sighs* What kind of car is it?

Church (looking through the scope of his sniper rifle): I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a...uh...like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker: What like a puma?

Church: Yeah, man, there you go.

Switch to back to Red Team.

Sarge: So unless anybody has anymore mystical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

Grif: No, sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How about Bigfoot?

Grif: It's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No really. I'm cool.

Sarge: Sasquatch?

Simmons: Leprechaun?

Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

Sarge: Phoenix?

Grif (sighs): Christ.

Fade to black.

Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Simmons: Uh...that would be the chupacabra, sir.

Sarge: Hey Grif, chupathingy! How about that? I like it, gotta ring to it.