Me, Myself, and You



Church and Tex continue their search while Tucker, Sheila and Lopez approach Red Base.

Transcipt
Church, Tex, and Caboose’s mental images of himself and Tucker are all standing inside of Caboose’s mind.

Caboose (Mental): I see. So, you’re from the outside. That’s where the other is from, as well.

Church: The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Caboose’s mental image of Church appears from behind Caboose.

Church (Mental): Oh course he’s seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck?

Caboose (Mental): I-

Church: Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

Church (Mental): My name is Church, butt-wiping assmunch.

Church turns and whispers to Tex.

Church: This guy’s kinda an asshole.

Tex: Yeah, we’ve met.

Church (Mental): And I’m Caboose’s best friend, so don’t get any ideas about kissing up, you limp licking fuck sock!

Church: Ok, there’s a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn’t like.

Tex walks up and whispers to Church.

Tex: Just play along, Church. We’re gonna need these guys if we’re gonna find O’Malley.

Tucker (Mental): I’m gonna go look for girls!

Caboose’s mental image of Tucker walks off.

Church: Fine, whatever.

Caboose (Mental): If you want to find O’Malley, I suggest we talk to the Reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

Church: Reds? The Reds are in here?

The screen fades to show Donut and Grif outside by the flipped over Warthog.

Grif: Well, are you sure you left the part in there?

Donut: Hm, think so. Wait, yes. No. Wait… wait, wait, wait. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I think so.

''Grif sighs. ''

Grif: Alright, let’s retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?

Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that’s the day I wash my underwear. And since I don’t like to have my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking “Where can I hang out with no pants on?”

Grif: Oh, God.

The camera switches to Tucker driving Sheila, and Lopez is running in front of them.

Tucker: Okay. Well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I can just find the brakes on this thing... Ah, must be this button.

Sheila: Do not touch that button.

Tucker: Oh, sorry. Hm, maybe it’s this one!

Sheila: Do not touch me.

Tucker: You know, for a girl your size, your kinda sensitive.

The camera then switches back to Grif and Donut.

Grif: I cannot take any more of this.

Donut: So after I clip my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don’t know, it just smells really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif: That’s it. I’m committing suicide.

Grif then runs off.

Donut: Hey! I didn’t finish retracing my steps yet. You don’t even know about what I did with the boil on my thigh.

Grif then turns around to see a tank (Sheila) coming in the distance.

Grif: Oh, crap!

Grif runs back to hide behind the Warthog.

Donut: Hey, your back! So where was I? Oh, yea, I lanced it. Disgusting. Woohohoha. Noohohaha.

Grif: Not now, Rookie! There’s a giant tank out there that’s about to steam roll right over us!

Donut: What?

Donut starts to jump so he can see the tank over the Warthog.

Donut: Oh God, it’s true! I’m totally freakin’ out! I’m freaking out!

''The camera then switches to Tucker driving Sheila. ''

Tucker: Oh my God. I can’t believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?

Sheila: Retard, the throttle.

Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?

Sheila: Retard, the controller.

Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused!

Sheila: The controller, retard.

Tucker: Hey, that’s kind of insulting.

Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard.

The screen fades black.

Tucker: Oh, come on. Now you’re just being mean.

Sheila: Retard. Retard… Retard.