Terms and Provisions

 is the thirteenth episode of the fifth season and the ninetieth overall.

Synopsis
Back at Blue Base, Church settles on a plan: using Caboose to distract Sheila while Tex deactivates her. He heads off to talk with Tex; Doc notices Sister for the first time and points out that he is supposed to examine all soldiers before they assume active duty. Doc and Sister head into the base for her physical. Tucker is astounded.

In the cave, Donut finds Simmons lying on the ground, barely conscious. He accuses Simmons of sleeping on the job. Simmons replies that he was drugged; Donut rejoins that he's been doing drugs. Simmons says that he and Grif were attacked, but Grif is gone. Donut speculates that he's buying more drugs. Sarge is unwilling to search for Grif until Simmons notices that whoever kidnapped Grif took Sarge's shotgun with them.

Back up at the Blue Base, Church tells Caboose to practice smooth-talking so he can deceive Sheila. Caboose practices with Tex, causing Tucker, who has just run up, to draw the complete wrong conclusion, for which Tex punches him.

Transcript
Fade in to Church, Tucker, Caboose and Doc looking down on Sheila on one side, and Tex and Sister on the other

Church: Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favours for this one.

Tucker: What favours could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

Church: She didn't dump me Tucker, it was mutual.

Tucker: Mutual in what way, mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

Church: Yeah, that way. Come on Caboose, let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.

Tucker: Yeah right. Hey whey she kills you I'm gonna sell your armour to that pink guy on the Red team. I hear he's in the market.

Doc: Hey who's the yellow soldier?

Tucker: That's just Sister, she's new.

Doc: No-one told me about a new arrival. I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty.

Tucker: Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F.I.N.E. ...That spells fine.

Doc: Thanks. But I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

Tucker: I'm a doctor - a doctor of love. PhD. Certified Loooveology, General Harasstitioner. Sexicologist.

Doc: First of all, love is not an officially recognised medical specialty. And also, PhDs? Heh, not really doctors!

Tucker: Dude you're a dork.

Sister: Hey!

Tucker: What's up Sis, what'd you and Tex talk about?

Sister: Oh, she was just talking about everyone here. How you're all idiots and jerks, and you guys are her idiots and jerks, and if I try to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back, and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry, and everyone would hate me... you know, girl stuff!

Tucker: Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff? This is Doc.

Sister: Hi.

Doc: Uh, hello, nice to meet you I'm the medic, eh if it's alright with you, I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come to Base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

Sister: Sure, lead the way. Seeya Tucker.

Tucker: ...What the fuck just happened?

Cut to Donut standing over Simmons' lifeless-looking body

Donut: Sarge, I found Simmons; he's over here, sleepin' on the job.

Simmons: Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged.

Donut: Sorry Sarge, he's not sleeping; he's doing drugs.

Simmons: Hh, shut up Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked. Oh they must have used some kind of tranquilizer on me and ...Grif? Hey where's Grif?

Donut: Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs.

Simmons: They must have taken him.

Sarge: Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?

Simmons: The people who ambushed us. We have to find him. Luckily I implanted a tracking chip in his armour. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock on to his signal in just a few seconds.

Sarge: A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless. Well, Grif, we'll miss ya. You were a good soldier. Using the broadest possible definition of "good." And "soldier."

Simmons: I've got his signal.

Sarge: He's probably a million miles away by now!

Simmons: Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.

Sarge: But who knows what direction!?

Simmons: That direction.

Sarge: Exactly. We did our best Simmons, now let's head back to Base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?

Simmons: I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.

Sarge: Eugh, what direction did you say?

Simmons: That way, Sir.

Sarge: Come on, let's go.

Cut to Sheila approaching over a hill toward three Blues

Church: So Caboose is gonna be up front talking to her, and then while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

Tex: Okay, I'll do it.

Church: Uh- wha- that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

Tex: No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands it should be you.

Church: Oh well in that case we wan-

Tex: Forget it, deal's done.

Church: Dammit.

Caboose: Hum, how should I distract Sheila?

Church: Just talk to her, keep her attention, that's it.

Caboose: I don't know, uh... we kinda have a history? Ea, she may not want to talk to me.

Church: So? Tex and I have a history, doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

Tex: I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

Church: Hoh, get off my back woman, can't you see I'm working here?

Tex: Please, you call this working?

Caboose: See, e- this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila. Only with more getting shot by tanks.

Church: Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow. Just smooth-talk her.

Caboose: I don't know how to do that.

Church: Just tell her she's pretty, or that she's got that new-tank smell or something. Compliment her treads, it doesn't matter.

Caboose: I don't know...

Church: It's easy. Look here, just practice on Tex, she's -womanish.

Tex: Pardon me?

Church: Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you wanna try this on your own?

As if on cue, a shell from Sheila explodes behind Tex

Tex: I see your point.

Church: Go ahead.

Tucker approaches behind Caboose and Church

Caboose: Hello Tex.

Tucker: Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off.

Church: Shut up Tucker, don't interrupt.

Tucker: Interrupt what?

Caboose: Tex, I think you are pretty, and you haven't hurt my body in a long time? So I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands, and you would go with me? And when you went with me, you would be my real girlfriend.

Tex: I think that would be, nice, Caboose. We should, definitely, do that.

Tucker: What the hell? Tex have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody get with me, the love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world.

Tex: ...

Church: Hey, don't look at me, he's not part of the plan.

Tex punches Tucker out

Tucker: Ow! What is going on around here!?

Caboose: I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.