Dick Simmons

Reasonably smart and rational, Simmons is the level-headed straight man of the Red Team. He is a compulsive sycophant towards Sarge, despite the latter's psychopathic and frequently delusional leadership; in episode 40, Simmons states that he relies on Sarge "for love and support". As a result, Grif frequently calls Simmons a "kiss-ass". Simmons and Grif have a love-hate relationship, and spend much of their time bickering and chatting with each other, with Simmons reacting to the various outrageous statements that Grif makes. In episode 38, Tucker hears them bickering on his radio and concludes that Simmons and Grif are in love, wondering why they cannot see it. In season 4, Simmons is shown to be very self-conscious; in episode 70, he runs in tears back to the Blue Base when Church claims that Grif is intelligent and that Simmons is self-important. In episode 54, he claims that he can mentally multiply any two large numbers, and gives an incorrect answer when tested, but maintains an air of confidence in doing so. He has also not used the bathroom for three years, claiming that he only uses the bathroom at home, because he is shy. According to him, 'It's going to be an eventful homecoming'. In addition, he has a developed a phobia of snakes, validated in episode 89.

After the Reds lose Lopez, Sarge surgically changes Simmons into a cyborg so that they will have someone with better capability to repair things. Sarge dismissed Grif's idea of getting a new robot from Command, claiming that it could be reprogrammed 'as easily as Lopez'. For a while, Sarge calls him "Simmons 2.0", but, in season 4, Sarge reverts to calling him just "Simmons" again. Simmons' leftover body parts — except for his spleen, which Sarge decides to inflate and use for "general recreation and esprit de corps" — are used to save Grif's life when he is run over by Sheila.

In season 4, Simmons runs afoul of Sarge's fickle nature: When he insists that Sheila is still roaming the gulch, Sarge declares him insane and demotes him. Having lost his purpose in life, Simmons suffers a breakdown, exiles himself from the Red Team, paints his armor mostly blue, and, assisted by Sheila, begins to wage a one-man war against his former teammates. Simmons actually succeeds in "capturing" Grif, forcing Sarge and Donut to launch a rescue operation. But the two are foiled by Church, who suddenly returns to Blood Gulch. Although Simmons attempts to hide his true identity from Church, the latter privately reveals to Sheila that he has recognized Simmons all along. After apparently hearing Church's conversation with Vic Jr., Simmons returns to the Red Base to relay information. With the rest of the Reds reluctant to accept him back, Simmons changes into maroon armor. Nevertheless, after a quick trial, Sarge imposes a hefty fine for treason and insubordination, to be split between himself and Grif. Going forward, Sarge frequently called Simmons a traitor until Season 5, when Simmons went back to his normal role. Sarge seems to like Simmons even more, even saying that Simmons burying Sarge alive was a multi-layered tactic and that his treasonous insurrections hold the unit together.