Real Life vs. Internet

Synopsis
Church and Grif discuss the differences between real life and the internet to newcomers. They provide vivid examples of how meeting new people, checking mail, going shopping, partying with friends, and discussing politics differ between real life and the internet.

Transcript
Grif: What’s this for again?

Church: You know, it’s for that thing at the Lincoln Center, where they’re showing all that cool web stuff.

Grif: They’re showing web stuff in a theater…? Aren’t you supposed to steal stuff from movie theaters and then put it on the internet? They’ve got it backwards.

Church: Just follow my lead.

Church: Hi, my name is Private Church from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue. Welcome to the New York Video Festival’s Wild, Wild Web Program.

Grif: I would just like to say, that we did not help come up with that name.

Church: Grif…

Grif: Seriously, dude. Why not just call it the Incredible-Edible Internet?

Church: Shut up. You’re gonna get us fired.

Grif: It’s onlinerific!

Church: Just say your lines.

Grif: Fine. We realize that a lot of you are here tonight because you’ve never heard of this crazy thing called “the internet.”

Church: If you or someone you know is thinking about using the internet, we’ve prepared the following primer, to teach you how the internet is different from the real world.

-     Meeting New People: Real Life

Church: Well, it was—it was really great to meet you.

Donut (female): It was really great to meet you too.

Church: Would you mind if I, called you later?

Donut: Sure.

-     Meeting New People: Internet

Donut (male): So big boy, I’m from-

Simmons: You’re not a girl.

Donut: What? ‘course I am!

Simmons: A real girl?

Sarge (from afar): WHO’S A GIRL? I LIKE GIRLS!

Simmons: Shut up, you!

Donut: Yes. I am really a girl. Heeheehee…

Simmons: … Send me naked pictures.

Donut: … … Okay.

Sarge: I LOVE ANGELINA JOLIE. DOES ANYONE ELSE LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE? … SHE’S GOT ENORMOUS LIPS!

-     Checking Your Mail: Real Life

Church: Bills, bills, bills, coupon… Great.

-     Checking Your Mail: Internet

Simmons: Pardon me, my friend, but I am Nigirean Roylty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact that I can’t spell “Nigerian.” Or “Royalty.”

Doc: Would you like to refinance your home? Mortgage rates have never been lower!

Grif: Hey, Church! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They’re hopped up on herbal Viagra and waiting for you.

Sarge: WOULD YOU LIKE A BIGGER PENIS? WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I COULD SUGGEST SOME PLACES.

Doc: You could put it in escrow!

-     Going Shopping: Real Life

Doc: $12.99 for that Creed CD, please!

Church: Here you go.

Doc: Have a nice day!

-     Going Shopping: Internet

Grif: Does anyone have the new Creed CD?

Church: I have it.

Grif: Give it to me, right now.

Church: Give it to you? Why would I do that?

Grif: You’re not giving it to me! Give it to me faster!!

Church: Wait, that’s illegal.

Grif: No, it isn’t! I don’t want it to be illegal, therefore it isn’t. And that’s the way it works.

Simmons: CREED SUCKS! I hate you, and I hate the bands you like!

-     Partying With Friends: Real Life

Church: This is a great party!

Grif: Yeahh! Whoo! All right!

-     Partying With Friends: Internet

Church: … Hey, where is everybody?

Grif: I guess they’re all masturbating.

Church: Oh… (looks around) Right…

Grif: Well, I’ll see ya later, dude. I’m gonna go masturbate. (runs off)

Church: …okay… see ya.

-     Discussing Politics: Real Life

Chruch: Look, that’s just the way I feel about it.

Sarge: Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.

-     Discussing Politics: Internet

Church: You deserve to die!! Die, and go to Hell and burn!!

Sarge: Oh yeah!? Well, I hope you get raped! Twice!! Maybe then you’ll feel different!! Jerk! (continues to scream in the background throughout the rest of the section)

Grif: (runs in) We don’t need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to want to find them! That’s the way it works!

Simmons: I voted for Nader! I hate everyone!

Doc: Would you like to change your home page to Moveon.org?

Donut: Politics makes me soooo horny. Check out my webcam pic at Presidentialsluts.com!

Church: So just remember. The internet can be a very scary place if you’re not prepared.

Grif: How do you recommend they prepare?

Church: I don’t know. Try going to your local middle school chess club. Hand out crystal meth and guns. That might be good practice.

Grif: Thanks for watching, everybody. Now let’s all go home and masturbate.

Church: …Grif.

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