Uncommunicado

 is the twentieth episode of the fifth season and the ninety-seventh overall.

Synopsis
At Red Base, Tex and Tucker are still holding Church at gunpoint. Church finally succeeds in convincing Tucker that he is not O'Malley, but Tex remains unmoved. Tex speculates that the vacant Red Base might be a trap. As she speaks, Wyoming points his rifle at the back of Tex's head.

In the caves, Red Team has finally escaped from below ground. They are surprised to encounter Andy, who tells them that Flowers and the alien have ditched him, having learned enough of each other's language to get along. Andy is mostly unhelpful, although he does reveal that it was some power of the green alien's that revived Flowers. The Reds ask how this is possible; Andy explains that the aliens don't view life and death like humans do. He starts to say something more about Junior, but Sarge cuts him off. The Reds leave Andy behind, preparing to go put their plan into action.

At Red Base, Wyoming reveals that he is not here to kill them, but to keep an eye on them while the green alien and Flowers secure Junior. Church radios Caboose, attempting to sum up the situation and get him to help them. Caboose is completely unhelpful; he obviously does not understand Church, and still believes him to be under O'Malley's control. As Church asks unsubtly for Caboose to use the tank, Caboose sees the tank drive away and wonders, "Hey, Sheila, where's the tank part of you going?"

At Red Base, Tucker and Wyoming are thoroughly bemused by Church's conversation with Caboose. Church is, after all, having a conversation with nothing, summarizing their situation in a loud voice. Tucker wonders why Wyoming even wants Junior. Wyoming reveals that Tucker's child has a destiny, which he has to make sure he fulfills.

Approaching their Base, the Reds spot Wyoming. They change their plans, and decide to help the Blues fight him. Suddenly, however, the tank passes them, heading for Red Base. The Reds abruptly change their plans back and head for Blue Base.

At Red Base, Tucker wonders how Wyoming snuck up on them, especially when Tex is an expert on stealth. To illustrate his point, Tex activates her camouflage and disappears. Surprisingly, this does not seem to cow Wyoming in the least; he merely laughs. Church warns him not to be so smug, especially when he's outnumbered. As he speaks, the tank drives up behind him. Church laughs, saying that Caboose came through and he even brought their tank. Wyoming chuckles, saying that it is not their tank. As he does, the tank speaks in Gary's voice, saying, "Knock knock, Church." As the screen blacks out, Church remarks on RoosterTeeth's penchant for cliffhanger endings to episodes, but is interrupted by Gary stating: "Firing main cannon," and then carrying out his threat.

Transcript
Fade in on the Blue standoff at Red Base

Church: I am not O'Malley, I'm telling you, it's Flowers.

Tucker: Liar, Flowers is dead.

Church: Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker. Where did they go? I certainly didn't sneak over here and scare them off in my spare time, when I wasn't dealing with you and Tex, and that new yellow freak, and that stupid disgusting kid a' yours.

Tucker: Okay, okay. Man, I hope if Flowers is alive that he doesn't want this armour back. Hey what's up with the Reds?

Tex: Where are they?

Church: Who knows. Maybe it's lunch time. Maybe the Red army doesn't pay overtime and they all just went home.

Tex: All their stuff is here. I don't think they evacuated.

Tucker: What do you think Tex?

Tex: I think we may have walked right in to a-

Wyoming: A trap?

Tex: Wyoming.

Church: Okay see? Now, if I was O'Malley, I would've known that was gonna happen.

Cut to an anonymous cave

Grif: Shouldn't we rethink this plan?

Sarge: Why?

Grif: Well now that Simmons has cut us off from Command, we're attacking the enemy base with no support.

Simmons: I didn't cut us off from Command.

Grif: You interrupted the radio transmission!

Simmons: No I didn't. Whoever Sarge was talking with was already down in that cave. I just walked up and started talking to Sarge in the middle of it.

Grif: What the fuck do you think interrupting means?

Sarge: Can it you two.

Andy: Yeah, you're givin' me a headache.

Simmons: Andy, is that you?

Andy: No, I'm tha other talkin' bomb. Francis. Pleased ta meet ya ya dickhead.

Simmons: I thought you were busy helping the enemy.

Andy: Nah, they didn't need me any more. Apparently that revived guy learned enough alien language to get by. And then it was "what have you done for me lately?"

Grif: Hey, what was that deal they were talking about when I was all drugged out?

Donut: Grif, I'm prouda you. Admitting you have a problem, is the first step.

Grif: Fuck off, Donut.

Donut: Baby steps Grif.

Andy: That new alien is here to find the old one, and he revived the blue guy to help him. But then somethin' happened to him. I don't know what; started actin' all, funky.

Simmons: The alien revived him.

Andy: Yeah. They don't treat life and death the same way we do. Fact that little guy that everyone thinks-

Sarge: We don't have time for this. Let's go men.

Andy: Wait, take me with you!

Sarge: Andy, we're going in to battle unmanned. Low on ammo and with no support. What use could we possibly have for a bomb?

Andy: I could always act as a lookout... or a spy... or a chef? Or you know, you could always, use me as a bomb... Oh, hey Lopez.

Lopez: Up yours.

Cut back to the Blues and the white guy

Tex: Wyoming.

Wyoming: Ah yes, hello Tex. So sorry to sneak up on you when you were busy quarrelling about, well whatever it is exactly you people do here. I'm guessing some kind of ditch digging or something.

Tucker: Blue Team doesn't even have shovels. Which kinda sucks, because our guys are the ones who keep dying.

Wyoming: And it looks like that trend is going to continue.

Church: Oh what, y-yer here for Tex? Because if you are she's right there. All yours buddy. Go for it.

Tucker: Yeah. Ladies first!

Wyoming: Not at all. I'm here for your little friend. He's very important to a lot of people.

Church speaks over radio sounds

Church: Ahuh-huh-huh excuse me.

Cut to Caboose inside Sheila, with all that entails

Caboose: Now that Church is possessed by O'Malley and is evil, do you think we'll have to kick him off the team? Then it would be just me and my sidekick Tucker. That's not a lot o' people on the team... Also I don't like Tucker? Oh, I know: maybe we could convince one of the Reds to switch sides! Then we can give them Tucker. That would fix both problems!

The phone starts ringing

Sheila: I don't know, that doesn't seem like it would work.

Caboose: Oh, Church is calling me. Prob'ly to ask me to be his new best friend. Or to infect me with a horrible computer virus. Excuse me for a minute Sheila I have to take this.

Sheila: Affirmative.

Caboose clicks on the radio

Caboose: Yes! Hello evil Church. What can I do for ya?

Church: So Wyoming, you just showed up here and decided to attack us.

Caboose: Uh, my name is Caboooose...

Church: And now you've caught us at gunpoint, and it looks like we're in big trouble.

Caboose: Uh that doesn't sound like something I would do. I think you have the wrong number.

Church: Here at Red Base. Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner. At the Red base. Wyoming.

Caboose: Ah Red Base no, uh, I'm in the ship. The shiiiip. Sheila I think O'Malley has driven him crazy, uhm, he's talking nonsense.

Church: If only someone nearby, someone with access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on and could help us. Someone for instance, in blue armour. Who somehow knew about the situation, and figured out what the fuck other people were talking about, and tried to fucking help us, and then we would be saved.

Caboose: Yeah, he's definitely crazy.

The tank drives off in the background

Caboose: Hey Sheila, where's the tank part of you going?

Cut back to Red Base, with Wyoming holding everyone hostage somehow

Wyoming: Why do you keep explaining things to me? I understand the situation perfectly. I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.

Tucker: Yeah what are you, the narrator now or something?

Church: I just want everyone to be on the same page about Wyoming, ambushing us, at the Red base.

Tucker: We know.

Church: Wyoming. The bad guy.

Tucker: We know!

Church: And we're here at the Red base. Which isn't the Blue base. Or the caves, or the cliffs, or that weird tree, or the windmill.

Tucker: We get it dude, we're standing right here.

Church: Maybe we should take this from the top. Do you wanna write this down?

Tucker: No!

Wyoming: I think your friend here has lost his marbles.

Tucker: Oh you wanna see crazy wait until you try to take my fucking kid. What do you want with him anyway, he never did anything to you.

Wyoming: It's not what he did, it's what he's going to do. That child is very special.

Tucker: Yeah, I know. I guess I should have read to him more, or something.

Wyoming: Not that kind of special, you half-wit. I mean he's important.

Church: Red Base. Noone is in the State of Wyoming!

Cut to the Reds mustering in the gulch

Sarge: There's the base.

Simmons: It looks like they're in trouble. Is that that bounty hunter guy? That guy's a dick.

Sarge: Hah! The Blues have overextended themselves and spread their forces too thin! Classic blunder. Change of plans, men. Instead of hitting Blue Base, we're going to take back our own base!

The tank rolls by toward Red Base

Grif: Tank!

Simmons: Oh shit!

Sarge: Free change of plans, men!

Grif: Fuck this!

Sarge: Blue Base it is.

Back to Wyoming et al

Wyoming: That little alien of yours has a very important destiny to fulfill. And we're going to make sure he does it.

Tucker: Well he's not here, so guess what. You're shit outta luck.

Wyoming: I'm well aware; my partner's taking care of that little acquisition right now. I'm just here to, tidy up a bit.

Tucker: How'd you sneak up on us anyway? Tex, I thought you were s'posed to be good at this stealth stuff.

Tex: I am.

Tex vanishes in to thin air

Tucker: Wow, that's awesome. Good for you.

Wyoming: Oh no, Tex has gone invisible. Whatever shall I do. Fretting, worry.

Church: Dude I wouldn't sound so smug. She kicked your ass last time and you weren't outnumbered like ya are now.

The tank rolls up to Red Base

Church: Haha yeah! Whay it worked! I can't believe Caboose came through! How ya like that Wyoming? We even have our tank now. Booya mother fucker!

Wyoming: Ho ho ho ho ho, your tank? Hu hu hu hu hu...

Andy: Knock knock, Church.

Church: Oh shit. Why is it that something dramatic seems to happen exactly every five minutes? I mean, I can't possibly be the only one out here noticing this trend.

Gary: Firing main cannon.