Nobody Likes You

Transcript
Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing?

Tucker: Oh crap, the reds are here.

Church: What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs.

Grif: What were you doing down there?

Tucker: Nothing. What're you talking about?

Caboose: (from the back) We were just playing a game!

Church: Hey Caboose, we'll handle this.

Grif: What in the hell is going on at this base?

Doc: I told you these guys're weird.

Church: Whaddaya want, reds? Get outta here, or we'll start shootin' at ya!

Grif: Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?

Church: (tries to turn around, fails miserably) Uhgh... no.

Grif: Yeah I didn't think so. Punk.

Simmons: Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner.

Tucker: Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal.

Grif: Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.

Church: Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one.

Grif: Hey dude, what is your problem?

Simmons: Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?

Caboose: (from back) He's shy!

Church: Shut up. Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of something, kinda private over here.

Grif: That's sad. He is shy.

Simmons: Fine, but don't come asking for him back later.

Grif and Doc start heading back to the Red base

Tucker: We won't.

Grif: Last chance.

Church: Beat it reds!

Grif: Alright, we're goin', we're goin'.

The three reassemble over a hill

Grif: Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are really rude.

Doc starts toward the Red base

Simmons: Whoa, whey, hey, whoa, where do you think you're goin'?

Doc: (stopping) Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there...

Grif: Yeah, I don't think so.

Doc: What? You're not just gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere... By myself?

Simmons: Yeah. That's kinda the general idea.

Doc: Not you too, right Grif? Old buddy? Huh?

Grif: Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm gonna make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

Doc: ...

Cut back to the Blue base

Church: What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey somebody tell me what's happening!

Tucker: I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle...

Church: Uh, Tucker? You might wanna look behind you.

Tucker turns around, sees Caboose with the sniper rifle

Tucker: Mother fucker.

Caboose: Uh ooh Church, Church. Okay, I s-, I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uh... but the purple one is...

O'Malley: I think he's going to attack.

Church: Purple. Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic.

Tucker: He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest.

Church: Pacifist.

Tucker: Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

Church: Wait a second wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick.

Caboose: I'll bet they've used some kind of, brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning, to have him do, all their dirty plans... and also the schemes...

View is of Tucker through the sniper rifle

Tucker: Caboose, that is ridiculous.

Caboose: Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, (scope zooms in on Tucker's jaw) it's the most ridiculously perfect idea, that you never thought of.

Tucker: No, just the regular kinda ridiculous.

Back to normal view

Church: Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get in to our base.

Doc: (from afar) Hey guys, euh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?

Caboose: I knew it... we're all gonna die...

O'Malley: (aiming at the back of Tucker's head) Starting with you!

Tucker: Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away... or something.

Doc: Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-

Church: Listen Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine.

Doc: Hey uh I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too, maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!

Church: Jeh, get outta here! And tell your buddies the reds, that their little 'plan' failed.

Doc: Well this is just great. I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this.