An Audience of Dumb

Lopez serenades the Red Team to get them to shut off their radios and O'Malley infects Doc.

Transcript
''Sheila and Lopez approaching red base. Tucker driving Sheila''

Tucker: Ahh, Sheila we have to slow down or we're gonna run into that jeep!

Sheila: Please take evasive action. Please take evasive action.

Tucker: You take evasive action! Hey Lopez help me out, can't you talk to her?

Lopez: Sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.

Grif and Donut are crouching behind the jeep

Donut: Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us. Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Grif-

Grif: If you actually suggest what I think you're about to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself.

Donut: -lets make a break for it!

Grif: Whew! In that case lets go on 3. That's worked well for me in the past.

Donut: Okay, you count.

Grif: Fine, but don't look at me while I count because I get nervous. (he turns around and Donut stands up) 1....(Donut runs away) 2.....(he turns around and sees Donut running) That son of a bitch, he beat me at my own game.

Sheila is heading right at the jeep

Tucker: Curses!

''Sheila rams into the jeep, blowing it up and sending Grif and Lopez flying. Lopez yells in surprise of the explosion. cut to inside the red base. Donut runs up to Sarge and Simmons''

Sarge: Good golly Miss Molly, what is going on out there?

Donut: Sir, the blues are attacking with their tank! They-they blew up the Warthog, again.

Simmons: I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys.

Donut: Grif and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right Grif? ....uhh, Grif?

cut to inside Caboose's mind

Church: (to Caboose's mental image of Church) Why the hell did they pair me up with you?

mental image of Church: I wanted to keep my eye on you. I don't trust turds trying to steal my best friend you rimjob!

Church: Well, this is going to be a great trip.

mental image of Church approaches the ledge overlooking the area

mental image of Church: Attention reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you! So listen up you blowjoby cocksuckers!

mental image of Simmons appears

Simmons: Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!

mental image of Grif appears, wearing yellow armor

Grif: Would someone please help me, I don't want to die!

mental image of Donut appears, speaking with a girl's voice

Donut: I love Caboose, and yet I'm so afraid of him!

mental image of Sarge appears, speaking like a pirate

Sarge: Argh, I be having a southern accent, your luck.

Donut: He's so scary.

Caboose: Fear not reds, I come here not to destroy but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.

Church: Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, I gotta correct a few things I'm hearing here. First of all you (referring to mental image of Church) you're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best, you wanna know why? You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy.

mental image of Church: Shove it, dick sniffer!

Church: And Caboose, come on seriously. Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?

Caboose: I beg your pardon?

Church: First of all that guy (referring to Grif) he's not yellow, he's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?

Donut: My favorite thing is pretty dresses.

Sarge: Argh, I got termites in me leg!

Church: And that is not a southern accent.

Sarge: Argh!

Donut: Do you have any tampons?

Church: Seriously, what is the matter with you people?

Tex: Calm down Church.

Grif: Don't kill us Mister Sidekick!

mental image of Church: Hey butt brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him, so shut your pie hole!

mental image of Church is shot by a sniper and falls off the edge

Church: Leonard, are you okay?

mental image of Church: Ah, please! That fudge finger couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm gonna die. Herg! (collapses) Blow me. (dies)

Tex: There he is!

''pans in on O'Malley on a balcony, wearing white armor and holding a sniper. he laughs evily''

Tex: Lets go get him! (she runs off the edge)

Church: Alright Caboose, lets go.

Caboose: I am sorry, have we met?

Church: What? It's me Church.

Caboose: I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Michael J. Caboose, it's a pleasure to make your aquaintance.

Church: Oh you've got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there getting the reds to turn off their radios.

''cut to the real world. Tucker standing on Sheila just outside red base''

Tucker: Goddammit! This isn't going very well at all. You okay Lopez?

Lopez approaches

Lopez: Lopez the Heavy is impervious to injury.

Tucker: Whatever you big showoff. How about you Sheila, you still online?

Sheila: Affirmative.

Tucker: Okay, we should be close enough to hack into their radio frequency. Lopez get inside Sheila and do your business.

Sheila: What?!

Lopez: I'm getting very sweaty!

Tucker: Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

cut to Sarge, Simmons, and Donut inside red base

Sarge: Well this is a devil of a pickadillo. Simmons get on the squat box and tell command-

Tucker: (over the radio) Red guys, are you there?

Sarge: What in buttery goodness? Who is this?

Tucker: It's me Tucker, I'm one of the blue guys. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now.

Sarge: Boy, it'll be a cold day in hell before I take orders from you.

Tucker: Look, it's really important alright? Normally I'd just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends but today's different. I need you to trust me on this.

Sarge: Well I may have spoke too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely I might add, proposition. Simmons, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?

Simmons: (clears throat) Suck it blue!

Donut: Yeah, suck it blue! Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face blue dude, in your face!

Tucker: (sighs) Aw man.

''cut to inside Caboose's mind. O'Malley jumps from ledge to ledge laughing evily. Tex and Church are pursuing him.''

Tex: Hurry up Church! He's getting away!

Church runs up to Tex

O'Malley: You'll never catch me!

Church: Come on lets go!

Tex then Church hop over a gap and land on the ledge and continue chasing O'Malley. cut to the real world, the blues outside red base.

Tucker: Dammit, these guys are not backing down! Lopez, looks like we're gonna have to go to Plan B.

''Lopez exits Sheila. words indicating a music video appear at the lower left corner of the screen. he begins singing a love song, accompanied by music, to Sheila''

Sarge: What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now? Sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquatch!

Simmons: Turn it off, turn it off! Please God make it stop!

Donut: Oh man, this rules. RULES!

''cut back to inside Caboose's head. O'Malley runs into Tex and Church.''

O'Malley: Huh?

Church: Alright O'Malley, this is it. From now on if anyone makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me.

Tex: Aww, that's sweet.

Church: Shut up, bitch

Tex: Asshole.

O'Malley: Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!

Church: Dead end O'Malley. You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol full of aspirin!

Tex: What?

Church: I got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees!

Tex: That's ridiculous, ugh Church that's just stupid.

Church: You're about to split, personality! Psyche!

Tex: God Church, you're just embarrassing yourself.

''cut back to red base. Lopez's love song singing is still going on.''

Sarge: That's it, I've had enough, can't take anymore! Everybody, switch off your radios.

Donut: But Sarge-

Sarge: That's an order private.

Donut: Sarge pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Sarge: Don't try my patience boy!

Donut: Ah, man!

''they shut off their radios. Tucker sees this form above and runs over to Sheila and Lopez''

Tucker: (giggles with delight) It worked, hey turn off your radio quick.

''Lopez enters Sheila. cut back to inside Caboose's head, Tex aiming her gun at O'Malley''

Tex: Nice knowing you O'Malley. Payback's a bitch, and so am I.

Church: Wait Tex, we don't know if Tucker's had enough time!

Tex: There's only one way to find out.

''they open fire on O'Malley. O'Malley can be heard yelling. screen goes black and they stop firing. screen returns to Church''

Church: Huh, he just disappeared. I expected like an echoing laugh or the smell of brimstone at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Don't you think that's weird Tex? Tex? Tex where'd you go?

credits rolls to the tune of "A Girl Named Tex by﻿ Trocadero." comes back panning away from Caboose's head an floating up into the air while beeping.

Church: (echoing from Caboose) Tex where'd you go? How do I get out of here? What happens to O'Malley?

''the screen (symbolizing the O'Malley AI) rises high into the air and slowly fades to black and the beeping goes slower and deeper until it stops and the screen goes black. screen returns as the sound of a radio comes on''

voice on radio: Come in Blue Command. Do you read me?

screen pans right into an area on the side of the cliff and right up into Doc.

Doc: This is Medical Officer DuFresne. Is anyone there? Do you read me?