Tucker Knows Best

 is the seventeenth episode of the fifth season and the ninety-fourth overall.

Synopsis
The episode opens in the underground cave, with Grif still berating his sister and ordering her to put her clothes back on. His efforts are not helped by Simmons and Sarge, who make various lecherous comments, or Donut, who ignores Sister and comments on the Blue Base's interior decor. Finally, the Reds see the roof of Blue Base, but without any sound, they are unable to tell what the Blues are saying.

Church tells the Blues about Vic's order and plans strategy for the assault on Red Base. Himself, Tex and Tucker decide to go right up the middle, while Doc, Sister and Junior can go through the caves as Vic suggested. Caboose has to stay with Sheila to make sure she transfers properly. Realizing that he is about to be parted from Junior, Tucker gives him a speech about how every boy becomes a man (although Junior is only three days old, as Doc points out, and is a grub rather than a boy, as Church points out), and how to succeed in life ("Invest in real estate; there's no such thing as a permanent record; always eat breakfast; all the girls on the internet are actually dudes; and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything, ever. Oh, and girls like it when you tell them they're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to them, so, you know, mix it up a little."). He proceeds to make a crude joke about Tex, to which Junior responds "Bow-chicka-honk-honk!"

The direct attack team heads up the middle, with Church and Tucker covering Tex with the sniper rifle. (Interestingly, they are in almost exactly the same spot as they were when they first appeared on the show.) Tucker begs to be allowed to use the sniper rifle; Church agrees to let him borrow it if Tucker will let him borrow the sword. Tucker agrees, takes the rifle, and promptly shoots Tex by mistake. Giving the rifle back to Church, Tucker holds his breath as Tex comes back and, seeing Church with the sniper rifle, beats him up.

Transcript
Fade in to where the Reds are

Grif: PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you? Don't embarrass the family!

Simmons: I don't think she's embarassing -whoa, why is she doing splits?

Sarge: Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

Simmons: Does this thing take dollar bills?

Grif: Come on, that's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!

Simmons: So? She's not our sister.

Grif: Stop, looking at her!

Simmons: Why does Donut get to look?

Donut: Hey, why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

Grif: That's why Donut gets to look.

Sarge: Ohhh, look, she's puttin' her armor back on. Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting her armor back on. Good work Soldier!

Grif: Don't partonize me.

Simmons: It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.

Sarge: What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty backstabbers.

Donut: I thought the Blues were supposed to attack us?

Sarge: Dirty frontstabbers! Simmons, what're they saying?

Simmons: I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. And without any sound it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.

Sarge: Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.

Cut to the Blues all gathered on top of Blue Base

Church: Alright, Vic called and said we should attack the Red base right away. I don't know why but, I guess we're gonna do it.

Tucker: Attack? Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something like that?

Church: And for some reason he thinks it's a good idea for some of us to go through the caves.

Tex: Why?

Church: I don't know f, who cares? So, me and Tex and Tucker are gonna go right up the middle.

Tucker: What about my kid he can't go in to battle!

Church: Doc, Sister and Junior, you guys go get lost in the caves.

Tucker: Oh.

Church: We'll find you after the battle's over. Unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're gonna have to find us. And if that happens I want to be buried as far away as possible from these two.

Tucker: Yeah, and I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full o' beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non-stop reruns of Baywatch and- ah, you know what, it's all in my will.

Caboose: What about me? Can I get lost too?

Tex: No Caboose, I need you to stay here and watch Sheila.

Church: Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted we might lose her altogether.

Caboose: Oh that would be bad.

Church: Right, otherwise how would you accidentally kill people?

Caboose: Hmm, well I suppose I could always-

Church: Shut up that was retorrical, Tucker come on, let's get going.

Doc: When should wego?

Church: Dhe-a- I don't care. Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start screaming in pain. Unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you know, feel free to point and laugh.

Tucker: Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Doc: Tucker he's only three days old.

Tucker: Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Church: Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

Tucker: The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers. Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Church: Tucker let's go!

Tucker: Okay little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

Junior: Bow chicka honk honk.

Doc: Hunh, I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Tucker: Teach? You don't teach that. That shit's genetic.

Cut to Tex, Church and Tucker walking along the plateau on the side of the Canyon toward Red Base

Church: I don't see anything.

Tex: I'll move up. You two stay here.

Tucker: You want us to cover you?

Tex: Yeah. Cover me. That way I won't get hurt. Just don't run away.

Tucker: Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.

Tex approaches Red Base, while Church looks on through the scope of the sniper rifle

Church: I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Tucker: Uh, what do you see?

Church: I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

Tucker: Man I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Church: Oh yeah boo hoo, all you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Tucker: Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

Church: Can I use the sword?

Tucker: Oh hell yes!

Church: Fine, here.

Tucker: Oh kickass! Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Church: Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Tucker: Now how do I- wait what is this thing?

Church: Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

Tucker shoots Tex right in the ass

Tex: OW!

Church: What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Tucker: Oops! That was an accident.

Church: We're s'posed to be sneaking up on 'em, dumbass. They're gonna hear us, gimme it back.

Tucker: Um, yeah, okay take it back.

Church: I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these year- Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

Tex punches Church in the face

Church: OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Tex: Asshole!

Tucker: I told him to be careful with that thing, he's just not very good with it.