Along Came a Spider

Along Came a Spider is the sixth episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 13. It aired on May 10th, 2015 for sponsors and May 11th, 2015 for the general public, and is the 271st episode overall.

Blood Gulch Crew

 * Washington
 * Simmons
 * Grif
 * Epsilon
 * Carolina
 * Caboose
 * Freckles
 * Tucker

New Republic

 * Kimball
 * Jensen
 * Palomo
 * Bitters
 * Smith
 * Several soldiers

Federal Army of Chorus

 * Emily Grey
 * Doyle (Mentioned only)
 * Several soldiers

Charon Industries

 * Locus
 * Felix
 * Malcom Hargrove
 * F.I.L.S.S.

Project Freelancer

 * Leonard Church (Mentioned only)

Plot
At Armonia, the Chorus armies prepare for their assault on Crash Site Alpha. Kimball approaches two Feds and orders them to line up their warthog with the others, but the two tell her that she must fill out a vehicle request form for them to do so. Washington steps in and reiterates Kimball's exact orders to the Feds, which the two respectfully follow without question. As Kimball expresses her dislike for the Feds Wash advises that she have faith in them and they may do the same to her. Suddenly, Jensen passes by in a Warthog and crashes it, somehow causing a large pile up of vehicles.

Meanwhile, Carolina, Dr. Grey and the Blues make a pit stop at an uncharted area on Chorus in order to refuel their warthogs. Carolina suggests that she and Epsilon test out their enhancements while they wait, but Epsilon advises her to loosen up, not wanting her to outwork herself. After the others finish refueling, Tucker makes a sexual joke and says his catchphrase, but is interrupted by Carolina, who says it too in an attempt to loosen up. This, unfortunately, only causes the situation to grow awkward.

Meanwhile, Felix and Locus are seen in the depths of a jungle, preparing to contact Control. Upon calling him, Chairman Hargrove, while aboard the Staff of Charon, expresses his anger over the destruction of their modified weaponry and chastises the two mercs for their inability to eliminate the Blood Gulch Crew and Chorus armies, despite all of the resources he's provided them. So, as a way of motivating the two, Hargrove reveals what he refers to as, "the future of modern warfare": the Meta's armor. Hargrove describes the modifications he's made to the armor, with it now being able to support all of the attained Freelancer enhancements at once.

However, he adds that running multiple enhancements would be too taxing for one individual, so Felix suggests they capture the Epsilon A.I.. Hargrove explains that Epsilon is too old to run the suit and that he is trying to acqiuire an A.I. through more legitimate means, though the late Director's actions have made this difficult. Regardless, Hargrove makes a deal with Felix and Locus: if the two can accomplish their mission before the armor is completed, Charon will lend them the suit for their own personal use. But if they fail, Hargrove will find another candidate for the suit of armor to complete what the two mercs could not, as well as kill them off in turn. Felix and Locus agree to Hargrove's terms and end their transmission with him. Soon after, the two mercs regroup with the other space pirates, having arrived at the location of the map's coordinates.

Transcript
''Fade into Armonia with multiple soldiers running around. Cut to Kimball approaching two Feds.''

Kimball: Alright men, let's get this hog lined up with the others.

Fed Soldier 1: Uh, have you filled out the vehicle request forms?

Kimball: What are you talking about?

Fed Soldier 2: The Federal Army follows a very strict regimen when it comes to requesting weapons and vehicles.

Kimball: Well, this isn't the Federal Army.

Fed Soldier 1: Tell me about it.

Kimball: Listen you little-

Washington walks in.

Washington: You two. Why isn't this warthog over with the rest of the vehicles?

Fed Soldier 2: Oh, Agent Washington!

Fed Soldier 1: We will get right on that sir.

Washington: Good.

The two Feds hop into the warthog and look towards Kimball and Washington.

Washington: Now, is there anything you feel like you should say to General Kimball?

The two Feds stare at Kimball.

Fed Soldier 1: ... Bitch.

The Feds drive off.

Washington: Hey! (running after the warthog)

Kimball: Remind me to put those two on the front line.

Washington: Don't you start too.

Kimball: I told you they won't listen! They're just a bunch of mindless drones that do whatever Doyle tells them to do.

Washington: And you’re the leader of the cave-dwelling savages that blow things up to get what they want.

Kimball: You know that’s not true.

Washington: Well, you haven't done anything to prove them wrong yet, have you?

Kimball: Agent Washington, I'd appreciate it if you didn't lecture me on how to make friends with the enemy.

Washington: The enemy?

Kimball: You know what I mean.

Washington: We're all on the same side here, Kimball. Have some faith. If you start believing in them, maybe they'll start believing in you.

Kimball: Yeah. ...Maybe.

A warthog passes by in the background, with Jensen at the wheel.

Jensen: Excuse me, vehicle coming through.

Washington: Please tell me that wasn't Jensen.

A crash is heard off screen.

Simmons: (off screen) GOD DAMN IT!

Jensen: (off screen) Sorry!

''Cut to show Grif and Simmons looking at a crashed warthog with Jensen at the wheel. Kimball and Washington run towards them.''

Simmons: How?! How was that possible?! You were going like 5 miles an hour!

Jensen: Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Just bad luck, I guess?

Palomo runs out from behind a warthog.

Palomo: Yeah uh, just so you know, I'm fine.

Palomo is hit by a warthog driven by Bitters.

Bitters: This where we are parking the cars?

''Cut to Church staring aimlessly. Carolina, Dr. Grey, Tucker, and Caboose are seen on warthogs.''

Carolina: Epsilon?

Church does not respond.

Carolina: Hey Church!

Church: Huh? What? What?

Carolina: I said, is this where we're parking?

Church: Oh yeah, this is it.

CHORUS • UNSETTLED TERRITORY

Tucker: Sweet, we're here?

Church: Nah, just a pit stop. We need to refill the jeeps while we have some cover. There should be some gas cans in the back...

Caboose: You told me those were lemonade cans.

Church: What? When?

Caboose: The first week we met.

Church: (chuckling uneasily) Oh. Caboose, have you been drinking-?

Caboose: The first gulp was pretty rough, but you know, I didn't want you guys to think you made bad lemonade.

Tucker: Well that explains the fuck out of your birthday candles.

Caboose: Yeah I wished I was a dragon. It was the best birthday ever.

Carolina: Hey Epsilon.

Church: What's up C?

Carolina: Wanna run some more equipment training?

Church: What? Right now?

Carolina: Might as well while we're stopped. It's good knowing the bubble shield works, but I still feel like my deployment time could be better.

Church: Carolina, you're fine. Just relax, alright?

Carolina: But-

Church: Hey, hey. Carolina, come on. You know how you used to be, okay? You start pushing yourself too far, you're gonna get hurt. And the last thing we need right now is another stupid injury. So come on, take it easy, loosen up.

Carolina: Loosen up. Right.

Church: Hey, are you doing okay?

Tucker: Okay, we're ready to go.

Church: Oh, that fast. You filled up our car too?

Tucker: Yeah, I gave it to both of them. Bow-chika-bow-

Carolina: Bow-chicka-bow...? What? That’s the joke, right?

Tucker: Did she just say my thing?

Caboose: Um, no. Uh Tucker, that’s Hey-chika-bump-bump. Awkward.

Carolina: (to Church) You said to loosen up!

Church: That’s a little too loose. Just tighten that back up a little bit.

Tucker: (off screen) I feel violated.

''Cut to Locus at a jungle, standing beside a computer terminal. Felix approaches him.''

Felix: I can't stand this prick.

Locus: He's our employer.

Felix: Still a prick.

Locus: Felix.

Felix: Whatever, let's just get this over with.

Cut to the Staff of Charon drifting in space amongst what appears to be an asteroid field filled with debris.

Locus: Control, this is Chorus transmitting on a secure feed, over.

STAFF OF CHARON

''Cut to the Chairman's trophy room. A row of items are seen: Epsilon-Tex's shattered helmet, the Monitor shell, Meta's Brute Shot, Carolina's Magnum and the Capture Unit. The Chairman is speaking with the mercs on a holo-screen. Holograms detailing news and a stock market can be seen.''

Chairman: Locus and Felix, I was beginning to wonder if you were purposefully neglecting my transmissions.

Felix: Wha, neglect you? (chuckles) Chairman, please! Never in a million years! We were just... kinda in the middle of something.

Chairman: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Felix. I know exactly how frustrating it is to be interrupted. Just this morning I met with a client, who was very interested in our new Suppressor submachine guns (picks up a broken Suppressor, showing it to the mercs) until the bloody thing BLEW UP IN HIS HANDS!!

Felix: Gosh, you know, we are so sorry to hear that, sir. But it kinda sounds like you should take that up with your science team.

Chairman: Oh, I did. (tosses away the rifle) In fact, I spoke with the members stationed with you on Chorus. They seem to believe that the colonists and their... heroes... are responsible for the incident. Last I checked, you are responsible for them.

Locus: We are taking care of the situation.

Chairman: Are you? When I hired you, I was promised perfection. I was told that you were the best! Everything we had on your backgrounds and previous missions, told me: You were the right choice! But, here we are.

Locus: Sir-

Chairman: (interrupts) Is it lack of resources? Are the ships I've redirected to your front door not helpful?! What about the armor enhancements?! Stopping bullets in their tracks! Vanishing into thin air! Are these gifts not good enough for you?!!

Felix: It's complicated.

Chairman: No, it isn't! In fact, it's remarkably simple! ...Everything I've built... Everything I've worked towards, rests upon a strong foundation. An intricate web of partners, politicians and clients each supporting one another and right now...your thread is straining to support the rest. I think I know what the problems is. I think, it's your motivation. Clearly your monetary compensation isn't enough. So I'd like to try something different. F.I.L.S.S?

F.I.L.S.S.: Yes, Chairman.

A panel in the room slides off showing a pod, which is raised up.

Chairman: (smiling) Do you have any idea what this is?

To be continued...

Trivia

 * The ship, Staff of Charon, makes a return in this episode.
 * The Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow gag returns, with Carolina attempting to say it.
 * Along with Caboose's version of it: Hey-Chicka-Bump-Bump!
 * Kimball's military rank is revealed in this episode.
 * At 5:33, the letters "JNPR" and "RWBY" can be seen above Malcom Hargrove's screen. JNPR and RWBY are references to another Rooster Teeth Production, RWBY.
 * Malcom Hargrove's office contains:
 * The Grif Shot
 * The Meta's helmet
 * Carolina's Magnum
 * Epsilon-Tex's helmet
 * The Monitor
 * The A.I. Capture Unit
 * The Meta's armor scheme shown in this episode is the armor the character had during Season 10, rather than his more recent variation in Revelation.
 * Caboose drinking gasoline is a reference to the Lethargy Crisis PSA were he drank two gallons of gasoline.

Video
S13E06