I Dream of Meanie

Tex tries to explain her mysterious return, while Sarge looks for a volunteer for a special project.

Transcript
the blues

Church: Get out of my body right now Tex!

Tex: (in Lopez's body) Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it.

Church: Yeah, but I stole it first.

Sheila: I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed, and I like it.

O'Malley: I know how to get her out of there. (raises pistol, Tex looks) Wink.

Church: Caboose, don't. Look just go explain to Sheila, okay? Alright Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?

Tex: Well ever since I've been a ghost I've been watching you guys a lot.

Tucker: Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time? (he looks at a rock that has "Tucker's Rock, Private, Keep out!" written all over it) Like even when we're alone?

Tex: Yes Tucker, and you should be very ashamed of yourself.

Tucker: It's very lonely out here...

Tex: Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose.

Church: A change? Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?

Tex: You haven't noticed that he's been increasingly aggressive lately?

Tucker: I have. Started about the same time Sheila got disabled you got blown up. I tried to tell Church but he never listens.

Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think I walk that line every day of my life.

cut to black a white flashback of whatever Tex describes

Tex: (voiceover) I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Church's plan to warn the reds about me.

Church: (in the flashback, echoing) I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the reds.

Tex: From what I could tell, (back to normal) the AI calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. (back to black and white flashback) Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took it's chance.

Caboose: (in flashback, echoing) Calling Private Church, come in Church. (back to normal)

Tucker: And that's when he said his name was O'Malley. So the AI that was in you infected Caboose?

Church: Right, everyone's armor has one slot for AI and Caboose's would've been vacant.

Tucker: I think there are a few of his non-artifical slots that are empty too. (back to flashback)

Tex: And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch hit with a really lucky shot! (in flashback, echoing) Ah crap! (back to normal) And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost.

Church: Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little AI. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your AI back, right?

Tex: Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.

''cut to red base. all reds lined up watching Sarge''

Sarge: Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

Donut: Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?

Grif: Shut up Donut!

Donut: Please!

Simmons: Uh, sir-

Donut: -a punch buggy?

Grif: Why won't this guy shut up?

Donut: Or-or alphabet with the signs game?

Simmons: What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

Sarge: Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

Simmons and Grif: What?! Have you gone crazy? That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard!

Donut: Cool! I vote for Simmons.

Sarge: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really. Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot. If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

Simmons: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?

Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that.

Grif: Yeah sir, I hate to agree with the kissass but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us a perfectly goodbrand new robot instead?

Sarge: Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

camera pans from Donut and Grif to Simmons

Simmons: Aw, fuck me!

Sarge: Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

everyone looks at Donut

Donut: Hey, pink suit guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

Sarge: Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

Simmons: Ugh, you backstabbing ass monkies.

Sarge: Now Grif I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation. Two quarts of vodka-

Grif: Check.

Sarge: Eight pounds of vasoline, condensed.

Grif: Check.

Sarge: An old tire iron, preferably metric.

Grif: You know, I might have left that in the bathroom.

Sarge: The latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids monthly.

Grif: I'll have to check.

Sarge: Check, you mean we have it?

Grif: Check. What no, not check as in we have it. We don't have it.

Sarge: I don't have all day! I gotta gut this fish!