Aftermath, Before Biology

Doc discovers a strange vehicle and Grif has an operation.

Transcript
''Camera turns toward the sun, and then pans to the cave in which Doc is located. Vic of Blue Command talks in a static voice.''

Vic: Hello, dude, come in. Doctor dude, are you there? Hello. Paging doctor dude to the radio, stat! I need twenty CCs of what the hell's going on there dude.

Doc walks out from behind a rock in the cave, groaning.

Doc: Ugh. What happened?

Vic: Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we’re talking about a hole in the wall, the next think I know you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children. Not very cool, dude.

Doc: Geeze, did I really? I’m sorry, something went wrong with my radio, and I heard this weird beeping, honking-

Vic: Hey, no offense taken dude. Don’t got any kids anyway.

Doc: What?

Vic: Old Vic’s been through the snip and stitch.

Doc: I don’t-

Vic: If you know what I mean.

Doc: I don’t wanna hear about that.

Vic: Winky-Blinky the one eyed Sergeant’s firing blanks.

Doc: That’s weird.

Vic: If you get me.

Doc: Look-

Vic: Via Con Dios of the Vas Deferens.

Doc: Yeah alright, I, enough, I get you.

Vic: I mean a vasectomy, dude.

Doc: Look, I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

Vic: Rodger that. What did you find?

Doc: It’s… it’s like a… it’s like a thing.

Vic: It’s like a thing. Okay, dude. Thank you for the update. I’ll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff...

Doc: Sorry…

Vic: Move to Defcon 1.

Doc: I’m just a little dazed. It’s a big thing. It-it’s purple. It’s uh, it’s a big purple thing.

Vic: Use your words, dude.

Doc: Look, I don’t know. It looks like some kinda alien artifact. Do the aliens have like a home base or something here?

Vic: I don’t know dude, why don’t I just consult my Extra Terrestrial Travel Guide for ya. Oh look! Got a great series of alien bed and breakfasts there.

Doc sighs.

Vic: Lucky you.

Doc: Never mind. I’ll just figure it out myself.

Vic: Nothin’ about big purple things, though. Maybe it’s some kind of alien vehicle.

The radio transmission ends.

Doc: Man, that guy is such a jerk. The next time he talks to me like that, I’m gonna tell him to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Oh, I really shouldn’t talk like that, that’s not very nice.

O’Malley/Doc: If I ever meet him, I’m taking his eyes as souvenirs.

Doc: Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. Time for yoga!

Doc sits down, and the camera goes to Church and Tucker outside the blue base.

Church: How’s Sheila doing?

Tucker: I’m not gonna lie, it’s not looking pretty. She may have twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage. Could be a disk.

Church: You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, do you?

Tucker: Eh, no. Not a clue.

Church: What about Tex? Any sign of her?

Tucker: No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?

Church: When we were dating, she’d sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she’d taken out of my wallet. And since I don’t have any money, and… well, no offense to you, Tucker, but…

Tucker: You’re a dick.

The camera switches to show red base.''It then fades to the inside of the base. Grif is moaning as if he had just woken up.'

Sarge: Grif, don’t try to move too much. You’ve been through quite the ordeal.

Grif: Oh, man. Where am I?

Donut: Hush now. Shhhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shh. It was really touch-and-go there for a while, good buddy. But I did it.

Donut inhales before continuing.

Donut: I pulled you through.

Grif: How long was I out?

Sarge: Don’t you worry. Nurse Donut here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keepin’ you company.

Grif groans.

Grif: My right hand?

Donut: Your left.

Grif sighs.

Grif: Note to self: Cut off left hand.

Sarge: Technically speaking, it’s not really your left hand.

Grif: Say what?

Sarge: I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged when the tank ran you over. And a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet of HooHoos and bacon flavored marshmallows.

Grif: Wait, which body parts?

Sarge: We’ll, let’s see. We had to start with the shoulder, then we moved on down to the flank…

Grif: Huh?

Donut: Yeah, we couldn’t really find an anatomy book…

Sarge: Made a left turn at the spare rib…

Donut: But we did find one of those pictures with the cow, and the dotted lines all over it…

Sarge: Then up and over the porterhouse…

Donut: I think it did the trick.

Sarge: And of course the brisket…

Grif: Wait-

Sarge: And the hocks. Oh, the hocks.

Grif: Wait, where did you get the replacement parts?

Sarge: Why, from our other subject, of course.

The camera extends back to show Simmons.

Simmons: Subject my cyborg ass.

Grif: No way.

Simmons: Yeah, I’m real happy about this myself, numbnuts.

Sarge: Yep, those too.

Grif: Did I get your lips?

Sarge: Prairie Oysters… the gristle…

Grif: ‘Cause maybe then I’ll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge’s ass.

Sarge: And the ass.

Grif: What the hell.

Sarge: Naucy bits.

Grif: What didn’t I get?

Sarge: We pretty much replaced all the internal organs, and some of the more disgusting external ones. Except for Simmons’ spleen, which will be inflated and used for general recreation, and exprit d’ecors.

Grif: This doesn’t seem physically possible.

Sarge: Nonsense. Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as shake n’ bake!

Donut: And I helped!

The screen fades black.

Sarge: Actually, Donut, I don’t really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help. But it sure was entertaining.

Donut: (Sounding like a Prepubescent Monkey) Mhmhmhmhm… Meh.