Brass Tacks

 is the ninth episode of the fifth season and the eighty-sixth overall.

Synopsis
At Blue Base, Church ineptly attempts to show Sister around. Church explains the only rule on Blue Team: don't kill the leader. Unfortunately, Church is still waiting for someone to actually follow that rule, and is only exasperated further when Sister reveals that she is completely incompetent.

Back at Red Base, Simmons is frantic, telling Grif that, when he dug up Sarge's grave, there was no Sarge and a hole leading down into a cavern. Grif wonders nervously if this cavern might hold bats, from which Simmons guesses that Grif is afraid of bats. Over on the other side of the canyon, Church introduces Sister to Tucker. She accidentally insults Tucker's child, mirroring Caboose's insult of Tex in Episode 4. Spotting Caboose, Church passes Sister off to him as a tour guide. He shows her "the purple one" and "the big one", to which she responds, seeing a figure creeping up on them, "Who's the black one?"

Transcript
Fade in to Church talking with Sister

Church: Well uh, welcome to Blue Team. I guess we should probably give you uh, some kind of orientation or somethin' like that. So this is the uh, this is the base here. This is the outside of the base. ...Inside's on the inside... go through that door, right there, get to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here, there's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller, does the same thing though. Uh, it's got a basement, ...nuhm, there's a middle part 'n' there's a top part... got some, you know blue flags here, on the outside, 's come in handy when you're, you know tryin' to identify the colour of the base, it's blue. Anyway, that uh pretty much covers the base, so... anyway, yeah, that's it.

Sister: Cool.

Church: I'm Church, I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the Blue Team is: don't kill the leader. That's me.

Sister: That's it?

Church: That's it.

Sister: Sounds easy.

Church: Yeah well we're, still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, uh tell me about yourself. What's your training.

Sister: Training?

Church: Yeah. What've you been told so far.

Sister: Oh right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. ...Did I pass?

Church: No, I mean like what kind of military training do you have. Weapons?

Sister: Uh, those sound violent.

Church: Operations?

Sister: I don't even know how that works.

Church: Communications.

Sister: Say what?

Church: Huhhhh, intelligence?

Sister: Uhhh, huh?

Church: Hhh, great.

Sister: Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have any of the skills you need. Unless you wanna see my ping pong ball trick.

Church: Yeah... wait, what?

Cut to Grif and Simmons running from right to left

Grif: Slow down!

Simmons: There's no time, Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge, and then finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole.

Grif: You dug a hole, and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

Simmons: No no no, I mean a hole at the bottom. It opened in to some kind of, big cavern.

Grif stops running

Grif: A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?

Simmons: I don't know, why, are you afraid of bats or something?

Grif: Afraid of bats, no. Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.

Simmons: I didn't see any bats, okay?

Grif: Did you hear any bats?

Simmons: No.

Grif: Did you smell any bats.

Simmons: I don't know what bats smell like!

Grif: And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.

Simmons: It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.

Cut back to Church and Sister, now joined by Tucker and his mutant baby

Church: And this, is Tucker.

Tucker: Sup.

Sister: Hey.

Church: Tucker's job is to do... what, I guess nothing.

Tucker: I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on Blue Team, Rookie: be cool.

Sister: I thought the only rule was "don't kill the leader."

Tucker: Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

Sister: Awesome, on the Red Team, we make that rule-

Junior: Rawr, rawr rawr.

Sister: Oh cool, you have a dog?

Tucker: Uh, that's not a dog, that's my kid?

Sister: Oh, cool, you have a kid that looks like a dog?

Church: Nice save.

Cut briefly to Caboose exiting Blue Base toward the ramp

Church: Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose, come here!

Sister: I thought about having a kid once.

Tucker: Oh really? It's a lot of work.

Sister: Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

Tucker: Heh, yeheah... wait, what?

Church: Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you'd possibly need to know about Blue Base.

Caboose: Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

Church: Caboose, what did I tell you.

Caboose: That there are no regular girls.

Church: Exactly. Alright, so just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, aaand just don't bother me. Or Tucker.

Caboose: What do I tell her?

Sister: Well, I already know the rule.

Caboose: I hate that stupid rule.

Tucker: Go show her Doc and Sheila.

Caboose turns to look back toward Blue Base, where Doc and Sheila are hanging out

Caboose: The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

Church: You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. ...And further away.

Sister: Who's the black one?

Church: The black one?

Sister: Yeah, the one in the black armour? The one standing right behind you guys.

Caboose: The black one, yeah. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Wait, what?