Why Were We Here?

 is the one-hundredth, and final, episode of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Red Team

 * Sarge
 * Simmons
 * Grif
 * Donut

Blue Team

 * Church
 * Tucker
 * Caboose
 * Tex
 * Sheila
 * Sister
 * Andy
 * Junior

Other

 * Omega
 * Doc
 * Lopez
 * Captain Flowers
 * Green Alien
 * Wyoming
 * Gamma
 * Yellow Church
 * Caboose's Mental Images
 * Vic Jr. (Alternate Ending Only)
 * Aliens (Alternate Ending Only)
 * Jenkins (Alternate Ending Only)

Plot
After eliminating the Wyoming clones, Sarge, Grif and Simmons search for Caboose in their Warthog. Church and Caboose turn on their radios to stop O'Malley (now known as Omega) from reaching Tex. Church and Tex have an argument over which one of the two may be infected, when they hear Simmons with a maniacal voice over the radio. Tex melees Church and runs to Red Team while Tucker throws grenades to stop her.

Church reaches Red Team first and tells them that he thinks one of their number is infected. Sarge immediately shoots Grif with a shotgun (which he states is part of Emergency Plan Delta). Church states that he believes Simmons to be infected. Donut tells him that that's how all plans start, however. Simmons gets on top of the Warthog's Machine gun and aims at Sarge, telling him that killing Sarge would make him leader of Red Team, then planning on killing every being in the universe (Just to prove a point). Sarge tells Donut to initiate Emergency Plan: Traitor Simmons #11, Donut reacts to the order by shooting Grif in the face with a Battle Rifle. Sarge reminds him that he said #11, to which Donut asks where he could find a steamroller.

Tex then shows up and continuously beats Simmons on the floor. Sarge then asks if she'd like to join Red team as he believes black is a darker shade of red. Caboose turns his radio back on and Omega jumps into him. Tex jumps out of her body and into Caboose's as well with Church following her. Tucker tells Sarge that Tex and Omega have a plan to enslave the entire alien race, and that Tex would probably become something like a Queen of the Universe. Donut gasps and says in an effeminate voice that he never knew we were hosting a competition. Red team then go to Lopez to ask him where there are any explosives to blow up the ship with. When Tucker attempts to stop them Sarge responds with "Well, that's a nice idea son, but blowin' stuff up ain't a democracy." Sarge then drives off with Grif, Simmons, and Donut.

In the meantime, in Caboose's mind, Church meets; A cowardly Simmons who praises himself when he captures Church, a Grif with a funny voice who calls Simmons 'Simon', a Donut with a feminine voice who likes shopping, a Sarge whose accent changes from stereotypical cockney to a stereotypical pirate accent, a Tucker who brags on about things that he believes the others already know so there's no point in telling them. Church is taken to Caboose who is more of a here, he notices Sister with a masculine voice as well. They take him to where Tex and Omega are fighting. Knowing there was no way Caboose could have known that Tucker's sword only worked for Tucker, he attacks and slays Tex and Omega while they had ceased fire. He drops a grenade and kills himself to escape Caboose's mind, accidentally taking the Sister that was in Caboose's head with him. Omega then takes over Donut.

Elsewhere, Lopez meets with the new Sheila who is now a ship, and Andy jokes by saying that she's fat. The mental Sister pops up in the real world but a surge sends it back to the snow world where a series of Churches are. Captain Butch Flowers, no longer evil, meets Tucker. He is about to tell him Red Team's only weakness when he stops. When he's asked why, he says that he is dramatically pausing for an unknown reason, getting shot and killed with a Sniper Rifle whilst saying so. Red team tries to help Donut, who is then meleed by Tex and so Omega jumps into Sarge. Tex melees Sarge as well, but Omega jumps into Grif, who falls asleep. Omega jumps back into Doc, before jumping into Church. Church is surprised by the fact that he feels the same. After getting hit by Tex, Omega reaches his goal: Tex.

Tex goes to the ship, taking one of the Wyoming helmets with her. The ship launches and is destroyed by Andy's explosion. There is no explosion because of the speed the ship was traveling at, so Grif boos the destruction. When a tiny explosion occurs afterwards, Red Team is amazed by it, with the exception of Grif, who didn't see it. With Tex now gone, the Reds and Blues return to their respective bases.

At Blue base, Caboose asks Church "Do you ever wonder why were here?", in which Church replies that at first he did not care, but as his time at Blood Gulch went on he has learned to hate someone on a more personal level. Caboose tells him the real meaning to his question was to stand in the shade. Church agrees and the two go to stand in the shade.

At the Red Base, Grif and Simmons spy on the Blues from above the cliff. Sarge calls them down to name a new ATV, much to Donut's excitement. Grif and Simmons walk down the cliff and decide who will name the new vehicle, ending the episode with one last view of Blood Gulch.

Transcript
''Fade in to the Reds hunting down Caboose in their jeep. Caboose is hiding behind a tree.''

Simmons: Hey Caboooose.

Grif: Caboooose.

Simmons: Come out so I can shoot you ya fuckstick!

Grif: Where did Caboose go?

Sarge: I don't see him. Caboose!

Simmons: Come out Caboose, all we wanna do is shoot you!

Caboose: Don't listen to them, it's a trick!

The Warthog's radio starts picking up the Blues

Tex:(over radio) This is Freelancer Tex broadcasting on an open channel.

Church: (over radio) This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel.

Grif: Why are the Blues on the radio?

Simmons: Who knows? (radio turns on) Hey Blues, shut the fuck up, get off our radios and quit running our batteries down!

O'Malley shoots in to Simmons' open radio frequency

O'Malley: Do it now, or I will kill every last one of you! And then everyone else here as well! Just to prove a point! Mahahahahahahaha!

Grif: Whoa Simmons, hey. Don't you think that was a little over the top?

O'Malley: Suck it you fool!

Sarge: And what's wrong with your voice?

O'Malley: Nothing. Why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. Ever think about that, cocksucker?

Grif: Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?

Simmons: I mean cocksucker, Sir!

O'Malley: Muahaha, hahaha.

Cut to the Blues, and Tex executing the last Wyoming

Church: This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel.

Tex: What are you doing?

Church: I'm making you harder to find. Tucker! Turn on your radio!

Tucker: Fuhuck that! If O'Malley gets me he'll get the sword.

Church: Attention all Blues! Turn on your radio and start broadcasting right now!

Caboose: (over radio) Okay, I'm on the radio too now! This is fun! What do you want to talk about?

Church: Well, he can't find you now Tex.

Tex: Don't get involved Church. Omega wants me, he can have me.

Church: Why, so you can kidnap Tucker's kid? And enslave an entire race?

Tucker: Yeah what's up with that, bitch?

Tex: We have to win the war, Church.

Church: Well what about after? You think Omega's just gonna stop after he gets a whole species for an army? He's gonna take over everything Tex, and you're not gonna be able to stop him!

Tex: I guess we'll find out.

Doc: Hehey, uh Church? It's Doc. Yeah uh, you remember that Blue Leader guy down here? Weuh he's just keeled over. So I I think O'Malley's on his way. Just FYI.

Church: Tex, shut off your radio.

Tex: I would get away from me if I were you.

Church: Doc, any idea where he went?

Doc: I have no idea. And that alien buddy of his took off with Junior too. If you want I could look for them on this computer down here.

Church: Computer? What?

Doc: Yeah. It's showing us the whole canyon. What's with all the dead white guys?

Church: What computer? Well whatever, listen. Just keep looking for him, and tell me if you find him.

Doc: Okay.

Sister: Hey uh, shouldn't you try to help this guy?

Doc: What?

Sister: Aren't you, like the Medic or something?

Doc: Yeah okay whatever, shut up you talk too much.

Sister: Hey! You think I could use this thing to check MySpace?

Cut to the Blues initiating a Mexican standoff between Tex, and Church and Tucker

Church: Tex, is he in there?

Tex: No. Is he in you?

Church: Bullshit, I think you're lying. I think that-

O'Malley: Nothing, why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. You ever think about that cocksucker?

Tex knocks down Church and heads for the Reds

Church: Fuck! Tucker, stop her!

Tucker tosses a grenade at Tex and misses, and we cut to the Reds, with Donut showing up on the Motorcycle 

Grif: Hey, who are you calling a buffoon? I am not a buffoon. I don't even know what a buffoon is!

Sarge: Both o' ya shut up.

Grif: Seriously, what is that. Some kinda monkey? It's a monkey isn't it.

O'Malley: You fool!

Church: Hey Reds!

Sarge: Freeze, you dirty Blue!

The Reds aim at Church

Church: N-n-n-n-n-no. Hey, I'm here to help. Omega's on the loose, and I think he's infected one of your guys.

Sarge: Infected? Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men!

Sarge turns and shoots Grif in the stomach with his shotgun

Grif: Ow! What the fuck!?

Church: I didn't say who-

Grif: Ow!

Church: -I think it's actually Simmons.

Donut: That's okay, that's how all our emergency plans begin.

Simmons runs up to the jeep turret as Grif gets back up, after Sarge hits him in the ribs with the butt end of his shotgun once for good measure

Sarge: Simmons, get off that gun right now!

O'Malley: No!

Sarge: What did you say to me?

O'Malley: I said no, hahaha! How do you like that? No!

Sarge: Well since you asked, I don't like it at all!

O'Malley: Fi-irst, I'm going to kill you. And then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete! After that I'm going to kill every being in the Universe. From now on, everyone will kiss my ass, hahahahaha!

Church: Uh, yeah, it's definitely Simmons that got infected.

Sarge: Well no shit. Donut! Initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number Eleven!

Donut: On it Sir!

Donut turns toward Grif and fires his machine gun in to his chest a few times

Grif: Ow-how-how-how. (gagging sounds)

Sarge: Donut! I said plan eleven!

Donut: Where am I gonna get a steamroller?

Sarge: Simmons, do not fire that weapon. That's an order!

O'Malley: Too late Sarge! Simmons is getting a promotion. Mahaha, mua-

Tex creeps up on Simmons and knocks the O'Malley out of him.

O'Malley: Ow, the back of my lower legs! Ow, the side of my head! The back of my face! The front of my front!

Tucker: (from a distance) Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!

Church: Thanks for the update!

Sarge: Tex I know now might not be the best time, but I'd really like you to consider coming over to the Red team. Technically you know black is just a really dark shade of red. We'll talk later.

Caboose: (over radio) Church, are we still talking on the radio?

O'Malley returns through the air to Caboose via radio

O'Malley: Muhahahahaha! 'Cause I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?

Tex runs toward Caboose, dumps her body, and Spirit Tex enters Caboose

O'Malley: Hegagergerk!

Church: Heuh, crap. Sarge, I need you to do me a favour. If I'm not outta there in ten minutes, I'm gonna need you to disable that ship. 'Cause if Tex gets out of here with O'Malley and that kid, there's no one that's gonna be able to stop her.

''Church leaves, heading toward Caboose. Tucker walks up next to Sarge.''

Sarge: What the hell is he talkin' about?

Tucker: Oh. Tex and Omega have some kind of stupid plan to enslave the whole alien race. But Church thinks if she does, she's gonna become the Queen of the Universe or some shit.

Donut: (gasp) Queen of the Universe? Noone even told me we were having a competition!

Cut to Church popping in to the derelict metal that is apparently the inside of Caboose's head

Church: Oh crap.

Cut to the real world

Sarge: What in Sam Hell just happened here?

Grif: I'll tell you what happened, my own fucking teammate-

Simmons walks up and shoots Grif in the side of the head

Grif: Ow!

Sarge: Nice to have you back Simmons.

Simmons: Thank you Sir, good to be back! Cocksucker.

Sarge: Alright then, let's go blow up that ship.

Tucker: Hey, Church said to wait 'til he gets out.

Sarge: Well that's a nice idea son, but blowin' up stuff ain't a democracy. Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

Simmons: Well, if you recall, we recently saw Andy the bomb and Lopez in one of the caves. So-

Sarge: Of course! Come on men! Let's got ask Lopez if he knows where we can find some explosives!

Simmons: (sigh) Excellent plan Sir.

Back to Church in the depreciation that is Caboose's inner workings

Church: Man, this place has really gone to Hell. I guess maintenance isn't a priority. Caboose! Tex! Anyone in here!? What was that? Caboose? Tex? Omega?

Mental Simmons: Freeze! Look! I captured someone! I am the best! I mean, I'm the best one that isn't Caboose!

Mental Grif: (voice all scratchy) Great job Simon!

Mental Simmons: Thanks orangish guy whose name I really don't remember.

Mental Donut: (female voice) Let's all go shopping to celebrate.

Mental Sarge: Dar, let's be making him walk the plank.

Church: Oh. Hey Reds. Hey have you guys seen Omega or Tex?

Mental Simmons: Stop asking questions Hue! We don't like questions in here. Thinking of answers makes people's heads hurt.

Mental Tucker drops in from above

Mental Tucker: Hey guys, what's up?

Church: Tucker, how did you get in here?

Mental Tucker: I'm in here all the time. I have this sword now. You might think it's cool but it isn't. Nobody wants to play with it because it's dumb, and even though I don't let people play with it no one cares anyway. Because it's dumb.

Church: Oh, right. Tucker.

Mental Tucker: Also I'm stupid and ugly. And my butt stinks. Like a butt.

Church: Alright alright okay, okay, guys listen. I need you to take me, to Mister Caboose, can you do that?

Mental Simmons: *gasp* Why would we do that?

Church: Oh, uh because I am... ugh... because I'm, his best, friend.

Mental Simmons: Oh, nice to meet you.

Cut to the Reds bringing Church to Mental Caboose

Mental Sarge: Jolly good day, Mister Caboose. We be havin' a prisoner for you we do.

Church: I thought you had a pirate accent?

Mental Sarge: Arr, I'm not very consistent. Yurrr.

Church: Caboose, hey, it's me Church.

Mental Caboose: Yes. Hello Church. You must be very happy to see me.

Church: Yeah, right, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin' puke.

Mental Sister: (male voice) Hey what's up.

Church: Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?

Mental Sister: Yep. I'm Sister... Church's twin brother. I came here in a spaceship, that came from the moon. It crashed next to Blue Base, and now I live with Caboose, and the people from the tail section of the spaceship, live on the other side of the island.

Church: What the fuck that's like wrong in eight different ways.

Mental Sister: Yeah. I know. Tell me about it.

Church: Caboose, do you ever listen, to anything that we tell you?

Mental Caboose: New Church is my best friend.

New Church: I would argue with that too, but... what's the point.

Mental Tucker: Did I mention that I had a baby but I won't tell anyone how babies are made? Not that it matters because everyone knows how anyway. Stupid babies!

Church: Okay enough. Has anybody seen Tex or Omega? I'm in kind of a rush.

Mental Simmons: I haven't, but you know who might know? Those two new people that we saw fighting over by the ramps. We could ask them.

Church: Okay. Let's go do that.

Cut to Church spying on Tex and Omega, both in black armour, quietly conversing

Church: Oh shit, they're not fighting, that's bad for me. Alright Tucker quick, I need you to jump out there, and kill'em with your sword. If they die in here, they get forced out of Caboose's head.

Tucker: No way that sounds scary, you do it. I wanna get back to my busy day smelling butts.

Church: Dude I can't, your sword only works for y- ...Wait a minute. There's no possible way he understands that, fuck it give me the sword dude.

Cut to Sarge dropping off Andy and Lopez next to the ship

Sarge: Okay Andy, we're gonna need you to get in that ship and explode. You think you can take out the whole thing?

Andy: You bet! Just say the word and I'll detonate. Man, this is gonna be great!

Sheila: Hello Lopez.

Lopez: Sheila? Is it you?

Sheila: Yes. It is good to see you again.

Andy: Hoh, Lopez! Looks like your girlfriend's put on a little weight!

Donut: Andy, that's rude.

Andy: What? You were all thinkin' it. I mean, I'm just saying. Someone should seriously consider switchin' to unleaded.

Cut back to the Tex-Omega conference inside Caboose's head

Tex: But I have your word that none of them will be hurt.

Church: Tex get away from him!

Church draws the sword and charges O'Malley, killing him

Church: Fuc- Deawn! Booya!

Tex: No! Dammit Church!

''Tex levels at Church but misses. Church runs up and kills her with the sword too.''

Church: Awesome, I'm like a fuckin' Jedi. Aw fuck they're both dead. Quick, somebody kill me. Quick, hurry please, somebod- anybody! Please, just fucking kill me!

Mental Simmons: Why?

Church: Because I need to get outta here, come on please, hurry, quick just kill me please! Hurry it'll be fun, I'm a dick.

Mental Simmons: None of our guns work, we just have them for show.

Mental Donut: Mine is just a purse.

Church: Gah, you know, never mind.

Church picks up some fallen frag grenades and throws one at his own feet.

New Church: Hey can I ask you one quick que-

The grenade explodes, killing both Church and New Church, and Church returns to the real world

Church: Caboose, what happened?

Caboose: Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker which was awesome, and took his sword. Also, someone may have been surprised by that, and peed his pants, just a little bit. Or a lot.

Church: I was only behind him like thirty seconds, what the fuck where is she!?

Caboose: She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.

Church: Fuck! What bout O'Malley, where's he?

O'Malley: (over radio) Uhuhuhuha! That's the problem with living in a Patriarchal society; men just automatically assume they know everything. Hahaha!

Church: Never mind.

New Church pops in to the real world next to a fallen Wyoming

New Church: Huh? What is this place? Hey buddy, are you okay? What's that noise?

Wyoming's time loop mechanism triggers, sending New Church, who is yellow, back to the army of time-looped Churches on Sidewinder

Yellow Church: ...

Churches: ...

Yellow Church: Well fuck.

Cut to Flowers walking up to Tucker

Flowers: Hello fellas, how's everything going out here?

Tucker: Not good. Hey, you don't sound evil any more.

Flowers: Thanks for noticing Private, yeah, being possessed by an evil force can be difficult at times, but with a little hard work, and positive thinking, you can overcome anything.

As the conversation continues random sniper shots hit the grassy mound behind Flowers

Tucker: I think you mean hard work, positive thinking, and no longer being useful as a pawn in their evil plan.

Flowers: Hyeah, that too. So, who are we fighting today?

Tucker: Uh, you know, the usual. Tex, Red Team-

Flowers: Red Team, those old rascals. Some things never change. They still wearing red armour these days?

Tucker: Umm, yeah.

Flowers: Oh, Red Team.

Tucker: Hey, I could use some help.

Flowers: You bet. And I have some information about the Reds that will guarantee our victory.

Tucker: You do?!

Flowers: Ahai certainly do. Would you like to hear it?

Tucker: Yeah I wanna hear it!

Flowers: Great! Because I'm just about to tell you!

Tucker: ...

Flowers: ...

Tucker: Okay, why aren't you telling me?

Flowers: Good question. I seem to be dramatically pausing for some-

Flowers is sniped in the head from off screen

Flowers: Herk, bleah.

Tucker: Well good riddance. I wasn't giving this armour back anyway.

Cut to Sarge, Grif and Simmons holding guns on the O'Malleyed Donut

Simmons: Wuho easy Donut. You've been infected by a computer virus, and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

O'Malley: Wuhuhuhaa, huha! No! It's my body! It's my choice! And another thing: why do I do as much work as you guys, but I only make ninety-two percent-

Tex beats Donut in the back of the head and knocks him down.

Sarge: Hey, don't hit my soldiers without my permission.

O'Malley: I'm the one who gets to hit mah soldiers. Wahahaha, yeah! Eat lead, world. Drop and give me infinity.

Grif: Sarge, you've finally gone crazy.

Tex vanishes and reappears behind Sarge, knocking him down, and O'Malley shoots into Grif

O'Malley: Whoa, that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe. Which is odd for me because, well that would take actual work... I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

Grif actually falls asleep inside his armour

Doc: We're here, is anyone hurt?

O'Malley moves back to Doc

O'Malley: Anyone need to be killed? Huhuhahahahuhuhuh!

Church: I know that laugh! Nobody move!

O'Malley moves to Church

Church: You know uh... I don't really feel all that different. Mha, mhu mha, mhu mhu, mhuh. Uh, nuh, feels pretty much the same, that's, that's kinda weird, ah, amean, expected more-

Tex hits Church in the back of the head.

Church: Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone? ...Tex?

Tex: Church run!

Church: Tex, don't!

O'Malley jumps back in to Tex

O'Malley: You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in. Nahah!

Tex/O'malley grabs Wyoming's helmet and runs in to the ship'

Church: Wait, Tex you don't want to do this!

Tex/O'malley enters the ship, where the Green Alien and Junior are waiting, carrying the Wyoming helmet.'

O'Malley: Sheila, are you ready?

Sheila: All systems online. Ignition coil activated. Starting thrusters.

O'Malley: Launch when ready.

Sheila: Please, take your seats. Launching in three, two, one.

Church: Tex, don't, do this.

Sheila: Liftoff.

Tex: Goodbye.

Church: We have to stop her right now!

Sarge: No problemo Blue. Andy you there?

Andy: (from inside the ship) I'm here coach!

Church: What's going on!?

Andy: (from inside the ship) Tex is hooking up Wyoming's helmet to the computer.

Sarge: Ready for your job soldier?

Andy: (from inside the ship) You bet!

Sarge: Alright then son, do what you were born to do. Detonate.

Andy: (from inside the ship) Hey, you want me to start from ten or three? Come on let's build it up a little bit, suspense it'll kill 'em. Ten!

Church: I told you to disable the ship-

Andy: Nine!

Church: -not destroy it!

Andy: Eight!

Sarge: Oh well, score one for the Red Team I guess.

Andy: Seven!

Tucker: What about my kid?

Andy: Six!

Sarge: Oh right-

Andy: Five!

Sarge: -score two.

Andy: Four!

Church: Andy! Do not-

Andy: Three!

Church: -detonate, can you see her heading?

Andy: Two!

Church: Do you know where she's going!?

Andy: One!

The ship, having lifted off in to the air, disintegrates in a blue-green flash

Church: ...Tex?

Grif: Boo, no explosion! That sucked.

Grif looks down and misses a great big explosion in the sky

Sarge: Haha, blammo!

Donut: Wow, that explosion was awesome!

Grif: What explosion, I didn't see it, do it again!

Tucker: Uh Church, what should we do?

Official Ending
Blue team returns to their base. Caboose and Church mimic the first episode by asking why they are there. Church shows the reason why War is obsolete. Caboose then says he actually meant why were they not in the shade. Grif and Simmons are looking at Blue team via sniper rifle, also mimicking the 1st episode. Sarge has constructed a Mongoose out of "tiny Warthog parts". When deciding what to name it, Sarge tells them not to give the Mongoose any stupid names. This mimics Season one where Grif names the new jeep Puma, which no one gets, even though it looks similar to one.

Rooster Teeth has confirmed this is the canonical ending.

Transcript
Church: Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home.

Church starts walking away, and Tucker follows him

Tucker: Hyeah, fuck this.

Simmons: Sarge... Are, we fighting?

Sarge: No Simmons, I think they've had their ass kicked enough for one day. Let's leave some for tomorrow.

Slowly fade to Caboose and Church on top of Blue Base

Caboose: Church.

Church: Yeah.

Caboose: Ya ever wonder why we're here?

Church: You know Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders, and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're red, or because they're blue, but because ya know them, and you see them every single day. And you can't stand them, because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

Caboose: ...

Church: ...

Caboose: I meant why are we up here in the sun, when we could be standing down there in the shade.

Church: Oh. Yeah okay, let's go stand in the shade.

Church and Caboose walk to the shade.

Cut to Grif and Simmons on a cliff, with Grif watching the Blues through a sniper rifle

Simmons: What're they doing?

Grif: What?

Simmons: I said what're they doing now?

Grif: I don't know man, talking. That's all these guys ever do, they just stand around and talk.

Simmons: ... What're they talking about?

Grif: You know what? I hate you.

Simmons: Yeah. I hate you too buddy.

Sarge: Hey ladies, get down here! I built a new vehicle from some old Warthog parts we had laying around!

Donut: It's an ATV! It's Hawhawsome!

Sarge: Front 'n' center on the double! We need help naming this thing. And nothin' stupid this time.

Grif and Simmons start running down to meet Sarge and Donut

Simmons: I get to name this one.

Grif: Why?

Simmons: Because you named the last one.

Grif: Hey Simmons? Just one thing.

Simmons: What?

Grif: Shotgun!

Simmons: Fuck!

Alternate Ending 1
Because of the death of Tex and Junior, the Blues kill Sarge and Simmons. It ends in complete destruction when they run around the entire canyon killing each other shouting "Son of a Bitch!" every time they die. Caboose is the victor for several seconds before being killed by a falling Ghost.

Order of Deaths

 * Sarge, by Church & Tucker (since the shots were from the sniper rifles they carried)
 * Simmons, by either Church or Tucker (since they both carried a sniper rifle)
 * Church, by Caboose in the Scorpion tank previously inhabited by Sheila
 * Sarge, (again) by Sister
 * Doc, by Tucker
 * Tucker, by Grif
 * Grif, by Sister
 * Sister, by Donut
 * Donut, by Caboose
 * Caboose, by Donut's Motorcycle

Transcript
Sarge: Yeah Blues, what're we gonna do? Maybe we can all cry big blue tears over our busted ship. And who busted it? Oh that's right, Red Army busted it! Then they killed the girlfriend, and the gross little snot monster. I always thought women and children first men-

Sarge gets shot in the chest and nads

Sarge: Oh, son of a bitch!

Simmons: Sarge?

Church reloads the sniper rifle

Simmons: Sarge?

Grif: Okay hey, we killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Simmons: Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically that means we killed two people, and they only killed one.

A sniper shot hits Simmons in the front of his face

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

Grif: Okay now we're even, seriously!

All the Blues level their guns at the Reds, and Grif throws a grenade at the Blues before he and Donut scatter

Grif: Every man for himself!

Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Caboose: Okay.

Church: And don't shoot me this time!

Caboose: Okay!

Caboose gets in Sheila and immediately shoots Church with the cannon

Church: Son of a bitch!

Caboose: Wait, what was that first part again?

Grif hops on the back of the tank and pulls open the access panel, setting it on fire

Caboose: Abandon ship! Running running running!

Behind him the tank blows up, and we cut to Sister and Tucker

Tucker: Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge: Aha, got ya Blues.

Tucker: Sarge? I thought you were dead!

Sarge: I was dead. Doc revived me.

Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to help-

Sarge shoots Doc in the chest

Doc: Son of a bitch!

Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else.

Sister slowly levels her gun at the side of Sarge's head, and shoots him in the neck, spinning him around before he falls

Sarge: Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Tucker: Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it. The Reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

Doc: Actually I'm not dead. If you could just hand me my first, aid ki-

Tucker turns and unloads some machine gun rounds in to Doc

Doc: Ohsonofabitch.

Tucker: And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin.

Sister: Ooh, yeah.

Tucker: Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover, and not as a figher?

Sister: I never thought about that, uh huh.

Tucker: I've always wanted to go out-

Sister: Hey ah, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action?

Tucker: Bow chicka bow-

Tucker gets shot in the head

Tucker: OW!

Grif: Stay away from my sister!

Tucker: Son of a bitch!

Sister: Grif, I liked him, he was nice to me!

Sister shoots Grif and kills him

Grif: Son of a bitch!

As Sister reloads, Donut runs her over on the motorcycle

Sister: Son of a bitch! I can't believe you hit a girl.

Donut: Whatever bitch! Reow!

Caboose runs off, picking up a rocket launcher

Donut: Now it's time to pound some caboose. Woohoo!

Donut chases Caboose to the cliff, but Caboose shoots the rocket launcher at the motorcycle and blows it up, along with most of Donut

Donut: Son of a bitch!

Caboose: I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, noone is left but me.

The bike falls on Caboose from above, killing him

Caboose: Son of a bitch.

Trivia

 * Sarge dies twice, due to Doc healing him. Also, Caboose has the most kills, with Donut and Sister tied for second.

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Alternate Ending 2
Sarge orders an air strike on the Blues, but Vic refuses. Sarge goes insane and heads back underground, responding to the answer, "Sir, where are you going?", with "To get some answers." He talks to Vic on the computer, who is angry because his plan was foiled. Sarge destroys the computer with his trusty Shotgun, and Blood Gulch is destroyed. It is then revealed that they were playing a Japanese game called Red VS. Blue and it is 2003 (the year the show premiered). There are credits and Japanese actors quoting lines from the series. The episode then ends with the 8 characters in the Halo 2 post-match screen. Saying, "Man, that was the weirdest game I ever played. It ends with Sarge saying, "Same teams?" When everyone agrees, he says, "New map." Everyone repeats him.

Transcript
Church: Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home.

Simmons: Sarge... Are, we fighting?

Sarge gets on the radio to Command

Sarge: Vic. Come in, Vic!

Vic: Yeah dude, whadoyou want dude.

Sarge: We need you to send reinforcements, or an air strike! We got the Blues on the run. We can wipe them out for good this time.

Vic: Nope, nuh-uh.

Sarge: I'm tellin' you it's gonna- excuse me?

Vic: I said no, we're not helping you dude. You blew up our ship and screwed up our plan. Dirty business. So you have your little fight and you leave us out of it from now on.

Sarge: But, but the Blues, and... the winning and the, the killing of the Blues, and the murder! Isn't that why we're here? They have a base, we have a base, they have to die! Vic! Vic! Viiic? Vic! Hruh! Fugahugafuh.

Simmons: Sarge, where are you going?

Sarge: To get some answers.

Cut to Sarge in front of the underground computer, with Simmons and Grif looking on from afar

Sarge: Vic! I know it's you, answer me! What's going on? Why are we here? Why aren't you helping us?

Simmons: What's he doing?

Grif: He's going crazy! That's what he's doing. This is awesome!

Sarge: Vic! Either you start answerin' me, or I start blastin'.

Simmons: Um, Sarge, we don't know what that computer does. It may control more than we think. Taking it offline might be catastrophic.

Vic's ugly mug appears on the computer's screen

Vic: Dude. You should listen to him dude.

Sarge: I know more than you think, Simmons. If my theory is correct, then deactivating this machine could tear apart the very fabric of reality! But that tear would start under Blue Base! Which means for a few sweet nanoseconds, Red Army would enjoy glorious victory before being sucked in to oblivion! Hahah, score.

Donut: Sarge, I'm scared!

Grif hops on the radio to the Blues

Grif: Hey Blues! I think you should get down here. Sarge is messing with that computer that's connected to everything, and I think he's trying to shut it down.

Church: So what? Shut down your computer. What do we care?

The Blue Base rocks

Church: What was that?

Sarge: How'd you like that? Here's another!

Vic: Ow dude! That was my heat sync. Now where the fuck am I gonna sync my heat?

A giant rock spike falls down in the background

Grif: Whohoa, hey Sarge, I'm really glad you realized Command's full of shit and all, but could you be a little more careful? I almost got killed by a stalagmite!

Donut: Grif it's stalagtites. Stalagmites are the ones that grow up from the ground.

Grif: Who cares? The point is, I almost got killed by a huge fucking-

A stalagsomething falls from the ceiling and crushes Grif, killing him

Grif: Ow.

Vic turns off the computer

Sarge: Yeah, I did it! I shut him down! And there are absolutely no negative repercussions.

The screen starts showing a strange message

Sarge: What the hell is this?

The screen says "Congratulations player! You have winner! Thank you for playing RED vs BLUE Please play the Red vs. Blue 2 The adventure begins to continue again... Coming Winter 2004 soon! Copyright Kobayashi Games Ltd.

Sarge: Yeah, I am the winner of the what the hell am I lookin' at?

A credit roll begins with all Japanese names, then abruptly stops and goes to a Halo 2 game summary screen

Grif: What the fuck was that?

Simmons: That was the weirdest match I've ever played.

Church: Dude that sucked, I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds.

Caboose: Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming in to the mic.

Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow!

Church: Dude! Shut up.

Caboose: See?

Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow!

Church: Alright that's it, I'm muting him.

Sarge: Alright, let's play another.

Donut: Dude I am not wearing that armour again.

Church: Yeah same teams, new map.

Everyone: New map!

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Alternate Ending 3
It is revealed that Church was only having a dream. He is shaken awake by Tucker, who is in black armor. Momentarily mistaking Tucker for Tex, he asks, "Tex?" Tucker has no idea who he is talking about, and it is revealed Church was in a coma after Caboose blasted him with a tank. It is then shown that Caboose wasn't as dumb as thought, and there was another soldier Church forgot about. After this, Simmons and Grif arrive. The Blues panic and attempt to run, but Church says that they worked with the Reds and that nothing bad's going to happen. The Reds are puzzled, then open fire with their assault rifles and obliterate the Blues.

Transcript
Andy: Four!

Church: Andy, do not detonate!

Andy: Three!

Church: Can you see her heading?

Andy: Two!

Church: Do you know where she's going?!

Andy: One!

The ship, having lifted off, disintergrates into a blue-green flash

Church: Tex?

Where the ship disintergrated, a small explosion occurs

Church: Tex?!?! Nooooooo!

Scene waffers to Church lying on the ground in Halo: CE

Church: No...Tex...

Tucker covered with the "black stuff" appears

Tucker: Church! Wake up!

Church: Meguhulwha? Tex? Tex, is that you?

Tucker: Tex? No, it's me Tucker. Who the fuck is Tex?

Church: Wha, what's goin on? Where am I?

Tucker: You got shot by the tank, the new rookie did it.

Caboose walks up

Caboose: Yeah, sorry. Um, that tank is kinda hard to use, and I didn't have the proper training.

Tucker: Yeah dude you were out for a few minutes, I thought you were dead. You kept moaning about the future and aliens and stuff.

Church gets up

Church: (sigh) Man, I had the weirdest dream. There was an evil computer program, and a bomb, and my ex-girlfriend was there...

Tucker: Boring.

Church: Yeah, and you were there Tucker, and you were there too rookie, and the tank was there...

Screen pans left, to reveal a green colored soldier

Jenkins: Was I there Church?

Church: No, Jenkins, you weren't there. I don't know why, guess I just forgot about you. Sorry.

Jenkins: Ah, oh well. Maybe next time-

Simmons and Grif run from the cliff to them

Simmons: Freeze blues!

Blues turn to them

Tucker: Oh shit! Run!

Church: No! Nonono, it's okay, we actually worked with these guys.

Simmons: Huh?

Tucker: What?

Church: Yeah, I mean, we still had our differences and everything, but we came to overcome those to face a common challange-

Simmons and Grif open fire on Church and Tucker

Church: Chigchugaow!

Tucker: Whawhatwhaaa!

Simmons and Grif pause and begin to open fire on Caboose and Jenkins

Caboose: Ahhahhhahhhhhhh!

Jenkins: Auhhhh!

Grif switches to pistol and lowers it, followed by Simmons

Grif: What the fuck was that guy talking about?

Simmons: Who cares? I'll get Sarge on the radio.

Grif: Aite, sounds good.

Grif runs towards the clif and around the corner, while Simmons contacts Sarge via radio

Simmons: Hey Sarge, we cleared out this sector, what do you want us to do?

Sarge (radio): Good work Simmons, get busy packin, let's move on to the next sector.

Simmons runs toward the cliff and around the corner

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Alternate Ending 4
Church shouts at Tex to come back from the ship. Tex turns and hovers, facing them. Grif says, "That thing doesn't have any sort of weapons...does it?" Tex fires a missile, and Sarge's last words are, "Aw snap", and the missile kills some if not all the Blood Gulch Soldiers.

Transcript
Andy: Four!

Church: Andy, do not detonate!

Andy: Three!

Church: Can you see her heading?

Andy: Two!

Church: Do you know where she's going?!

Andy: One!

Church: Tex! Come back!

The ship screches to a halt and turns to face the group

Grif: Hey look she's coming back. How 'bout that?

The ship faces them but doesn't move

Grif: That thing doesn't have, uh, have weapons on it or anything, does it?

The ship fire a missile at the group

Sarge: Aw snap.

The missile explodes in the middle of Church, Sarge, Simmons, Donut, and Grif, killing them and perhaps Tucker and Caboose off screen

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Alternate Ending 5
This is a repeat of alternate ending 1, except it shows what happens to everybody after they get killed in words.

Transcript
The ship disintergrates into a blue-green flash

Church walkes next to Tucker

Tucker: Uh, Church, what should we do?

Sarge: Yeah Blues, what are we gonna do? Maybe we should cry big blue tears over our busted ship. And who busted it? Oh that's right. Red Army busted it! And they killed the girlfriend and gross little snot monster. I always thought women and children first mis-

Sarge gets shot twice by sniper rifles

Sarge: Oh son of a bitch!

Music begins 

Text: After his tour in Blood Gulch, Sarge was awarded the Badge of Redness, but had it revoked when he would not reveal his real name for the certificate. He commanded various Red Forces thoughtout the following years and was eventually killed at Gemini 8. He died exactly the way he wanted: after Grif.

Simmons: Sarge? Sarge!

Cuts to Simmons death scene

Simmons gets shot in the face by a sniper rifle

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

Text: Simmons stole Sarge's identity after his death and attempted to resume his life. He was discovered and court-martialed by the Red Army. He is currently awaiting execution in a military prision.

Grif: Everyman for himself!

Cuts to Grif's death scene

Grif gets shot in the head by a pistol

Grif: Son of a bitch!

Text: Grif was killed by Sarge shortly before his death.

Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give me cover fire!

Cuts to Church's death scene

Church: And don't shoot me this time!

Caboose: Okay!

Tank fires on Church

Church: Son of a Bitch!

Text: Church is an Anger Management social worker in Quincy, IL.

Tucker: I don't want to die a virgin.

Sister: Ooh...

Cuts to Tucker's death scene

Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-

Tucker gets shot in the head with a battle rifle

Tucker: -ow!

Text: Tucker went AWOL shortly after the events of the Blood Gulch Chronicles. He was last spotted on a stolen ship, on a heading towards the alien homeworld. His current whereabouts are unknown.

Sister: I liked him, he was nice to me!

Cuts to Sister's death scene

Sister gets ran-over by Donut's motorcycle

Sister: Son of a bitch!

Text: Sister works as a etiquette coach at the prostigious Paris Hilton School for Girls.

Sister: I can't believe you would hit a girl!

Donut: Whatever bitch. Reow!

Cuts to Donut's death scene

Caboose fires a rocket at Donut in his motorcycle

Donut flies off hitting the ground then cliff wall'

Donut: Son of a bitch!

Text: Donut married an exotic dancer named Tiffany. They have twelve children.

Caboose: I won! I am the greatest!

Cuts to Caboose's death scene

Donut's motorcycle hits Caboose on the head

Text: Caboose sold his life story to a software company based in Redmond, WA.

Music ends

A small jingle plays

Text: They based a popular video game on it.

Caboose: Son of a bitch.

Cut to black

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Alternate Ending 6
As Sarge was insulting the Blues over their "Big Blue Busted Ship" he is blasted by Alien fire. Following that Aliens charge over the hill in Wraiths, Banshees, and Spectres yelling loud "BLARGH"s. After this, the Aliens mimic the first episode as Simmons speaks to Grif about why they're there. The ending ends as the Tucker looking elite asks what the Red Team is doing to Church.

Transcript
The ship disintergrates in a blue-green flash

Church: Tex?

Grif: Boo! No explosion! That sucked.

Where the ship disintergrated, a small explosion occurs

Church next to Tucker

Tucker: Uh, Church, what should we do?

Sarge: Yeah Blue! What are we gonna do? Maybe we can cry big blue tear over our busted ship. An-

Plasma bolts hit Sarge from off screen

Grif: What the hell? Where'd that come from?

Church: Oh shit! Alien invasion! RUN!

Cut to incoming alien invasion, with a Spectre heading toward them and a Banshee flying overhead

Unknown Alien: Blarg blarg blarg!

Switches to Blue team aliens with a Wraith

Teal Alien: Blarg blarg blarg!

Cyan Alien: Honk!

Teal Alien: Blarg blarg blarg!

Switches to a pink alien pulling out a energy sword

Pink Alien: Blarg!

Fades to black, then switches with the bottom of a red flag on a wall

Maroon Alien: Blarg.

Orange Alien: Honk.

Maroon Alien: Blargety blarg blarg honk?

Orange Alien: Blargety blarg blarg blarg blarg? Honk honky blarg? Blargety blarg blarg blarg, blargety blarg blarg.

Screen goes switches between the two for a few seconds

Maroon Alien: Blarg?

Screen goes to a Beam Rifle scope pointed at Red Base, then to the Teal and Cyan aliens

Teal Alien: Uh, Blargety blarg blarg?

Cobalt Alien: Honk...

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Trivia

 * This is the longest running episode of Red vs. Blue.
 * The Alternate Ending #6 references conversations between Simmons with Grif and Tucker with Church from Why Are We Here?
 * The Alternate Ending #3 introduces the non-canon character Jenkins, who appears again in the sponsorship edition of the episode Don't Get Me Started.
 * The popular video game in "Caboose's future" on Alternate Ending #5 is probably the Halo franchise, as Bungie, the original makers of Halo, are based out of Redmond as of the release of the alternate ending.
 * Ending #5 is possibly a reference to the 100% Completion Ending Credits Playstation 1 video game Crash Team Racing, specifically Caboose's Future, which very nearly matches that of the character Crash Bandicoot in that he sold his Life Story and had it turned into an entertainment system. The comparable video can be found here.
 * When Church is inside Caboose's mind and meets Yellow Church, he asks him where he came from. Yellow Church responds that he came on a spaceship that crashed and the people on the rear section of the spaceship live on the opposite side of the island, a reference to the television show Lost.
 * In Alternate Ending #1; despite his poor aim, Church manages to hit Sarge.